When I came to AA around the 1st of the year, I felt nothing but the rawness of my open wounds for the first week or so, and was overwhelmingly grateful to be sober... floating in the clouds. I started going to less meetings after the first week, because I was SO HAPPY, and seemingly "not that bad". I didn't do any readings, make coffee, do any service work, show up early or stay late and hang out... or try in any way to approach anyone ever, to make any friends. I did find a sponsor, but I didn't find out first if we would be a good fit, I just took anyone. I was still very much in charge! I admitted I believed in a higher power, and then tucked that in my pocket, and never pulled it out again. I was so careless, it went through the wash and disinigrated. I didn't even really notice until I found the shreds later after picking up a drink again. Around 30 days, I began to have constant cravings and was obsessed over drinking, inevitably, turning the rational switch off in my brain, almost purposesly, to take that first drink. I planned it, pondered it and finally just put my old skills into action, closed my eyes, plugged my nose, and switched my tea for booze. I only stayed sober 40 days. Those last 10, were awful.
I thought of drinking yesterday - disappointed that I was seemingly on the same path as last time. Scared. Here I am just a couple days from having 30 days... again.
But it wasn't like before. This time I realized immediatly that it was my disease working it's way in. I was taking on too much yesterday, overscheduling myself and not giving myself time to stay spiritually fit. So I took a break and sat outside to think for a while. I left the dishes in the sink, and the floor to be mopped another day. I was grateful the kids allowed this and played happily for a while just when I needed it. I would have called on a babysitter if I needed it this time though.
I thought of things I was grateful for, and all the wonderful things that happened through out the day. I had a lot to be thankful for yesterday. I sold a house I was flipping. My rescue dog started bonding a bit with me. I got two new little part time jobs, and sold a bunch of stuff on craigslist. Felt good to clean out some stuff laying around way too long. But I wasn't cleaning out myself like I should have been. My step 4 has been put on hold... I'm procrastinating again.
I have the program to thank for the promises that are coming true. But this is my tendency... to take on too much too fast. To get better too fast and let my recovery program take the back seat.
I realized the last few days I've been skimming my readings, not connecting with my HP (which I haven't really gotten the hang of as well as I'd like to anyway) and looking at my watch during my meetings. I called my sponsor last night, but it was just an "I'm fine... gotta go".
I'm on top of the world again.
I will try today, to stop looking out to see as far as I can see, and look down, to see how far and fast I could fall.
I didn't think of drinking long. The thought of it this time, was a lot different than a few months ago. It went more like this:
It would feel great to drink on this warm sunny spring day.
Uh, that's not normal, people do not drink while they are watching their kids in the middle of day... stop the irrational thinking and don't let the disease talk.
Asked God out loud to remove my disease. *new*
Started thinking about something else.
Thanked God *new*
That irrational thought was removed, and I didn't have another.
Went to bed later... sober... peaceful... grateful.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You thought of drinking because you are an alcoholic......you didn't drink because you are in and are working the AA program. I use to think i was such a bad person when I thought about drinking until I realized thats what alcoholics do.. Now the longer I am in the solution the thoughts are few and far between. But I know for sure how quick it can grab me. I love reading your post you have a very nice way of putting things and I can really feel what your feeling. are you a writer????? Good job on working the program!!!!
Thank you for sharing. I am on my 10th day sober and while I have been floating in the pink cloud all this time, last night I thought about drinking again. My boyfriend lives in another city and I haven't been able to speak to him for a few days now (he works very long shifts, as do I. So sometimes one or both of us gets home too late to call the other before s/he has gone to bed.
I called my sponsor, and she listened, and her advice was to up my meeting attendance. Currently I go to 2 a week. We agreed on the phone that a good goal for me (I work 1 full time and 1 part time job) would be 4 meetings/week. Right now in my lunch break from work I am reaching out to those whose numbers I have to work towards making this happen.
When I was feeling bummed out last night, I was also angry. "I stopped drinking. Why should I be feeling shitty?". And just like that, the disease was speaking again. I had a choice, to drink or not to drink. Thinnking, "If I drink, will it make this situation worse, or better?"
My HP gave me the answer. I didn't drink. And today, I am grateful.
Thank you for sharing Tasha, it is so important that we know we're not alone.
((Tasha))
__________________
The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
Whoop, Whoop, Evening girlie's :} You all seem to be doing the RIGHT THINGS :} I have just been to my Wednesday evening meeting here, We just have 3 a week. A Share meeting, a As bill See's it and a Big Book meeting. When I was new around I did 6-7 a week, I was a little worried when we first came here as we just had two ! But we opened up another one, same few people till we have the odd new comer, its a small place and one day they could well be very busy, God help them all as the place is full of drunks and drinkers.. So we are all getting ready :}
We might have the same few people but today I always remember that every time we share its never the same old, same old, It never can be ! We are not recorded and put onto play :}
Tonight I became emotional as I shared remembering when I was sectioned and my first review on the ward. My two daughter attended and they knew I needed help, that I was very sick indeed. They mean the world to me and to think I was ready to leave them and this world :{ My sobriety and my doing the right things today means everything to them both, we often talk on the phone and they know I am, just as when they would call me in my drinking days,in the mornings they knew I had got a drink in my hand ! They just '' Knew '' !!
As always I come home from my meetings full of happiness. I jumped onto Youtube and have just spent some time listening to good old Joe & Charlie. Finished with a little light Youtube music One Day At A Time, and The Serenity Song too. I sit with my headphone on and my husband just looks at me with a big smile on his face. He gets some TV peace time lol. :}
I then come onto here hunting down my new found AA friends too see how everyone is doing, All this good self awareness your posting has put another big smile on my face before I go off to bed :}
Wow how good is that, and its not even my Birthday its my husbands 64th Birthday today. :} Bless him and bless you all, AA's sure keep me HAPPY. :} Its another day the AA way. Thank you.
Every now and then my wife and I drive over to the liquor commission, sit in the parking lot and one of us says, Hey maybe we should go in and get a few bottles of the same stuff that almost killed us the last time. Then we laugh and go to a meeting. Glad to see you're still with us. I'd miss you if you were gone.
__________________
Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
I flirted with those same demons early on Tasha, same as you. Every twist and turn became an anxiety laced experience riddled with every worry imaginable. It felt like I was heading down a dark corridor with no end in sight. My thoughts became a confused mass of overactive imaginations, causing me to question everything including sobriety. I had to brace for the worst and expect the best; at least until the reality of this sober life started to take hold. And when it did, something amazing happened...I felt freedom for the very first time, thanks be to God.
I understand your frustrations dear, I really do. And I know how raw our emotions can be, especially in early sobriety. But it does flow more evenly after that, so take your time Tasha and never get too stressed out, okay. It's just another stage we alcoholics go through dear, that's all. Everything has a time and a purpose under heaven, and your time to shine is now dear. So shine, okay.
I used to live in a perpetual state of hopeless deniability, but now live comfortably under an umbrella of divine love. And so can you. It does require a psychic change though, but it comes with a price; a price that required me to sacrifice my limited knowledge in favor of a more logical yet sober alternative instead. So stay on board Tasha and never question our resolve or our alcoholism. That's how the ball can get rolling again, cant it? There's two things I try to do each and every day, and that is to remain teachable, practice sober living via AA, and never give up on either one, ever. And I hope the same can be said of you, for today.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 26th of April 2012 03:13:58 AM
First we work the program and then the program works us. My favorite "promise" ~ "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
Already been said above. but really glad that you're with us. Alcoholism is simply this: I can't drink safely, but left to my own resources, my head will always, always tell me that I can.
Thinking about it is going to happen. Less and less the longer you are sober and the fitter you are, but the thought may still pop into your head time and again.
Playing with the thought. Entertaining the thought. Letting the thought just bounce around in there. Those are the things you need to worry about. That's when you start giving yourself permission to have a drink.
Don't be scared to take it easy either. You are convalescing right now so putting some of the unimportant stuff on the back burner will only help you.
And after all, each day is still a gift. Even though the buyer backed out on the house I was flipping, and my dog ran away and has been hiding every since we found him and brought him back, one of the jobs I got fell through and my house and my soul still didn't magically clean themselves... I am sober.
I had asked for my drinking thoughts to be removed, and they were for another day.
Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate it!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
And after all, each day is still a gift. Even though the buyer backed out on the house I was flipping, and my dog ran away and has been hiding every since we found him and brought him back, one of the jobs I got fell through and my house and my soul still didn't magically clean themselves... I am sober.
I had asked for my drinking thoughts to be removed, and they were for another day.
Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate it!
Says it all, thanks for this post JaD -- helping me to stay sober, today.
