My experience was was very similar. In fact I often refer to step 5 as the freedom step. From my first day sober there was so much rubbish churning round inside me, all those skeletons in the closet that I hoped would never see the light of day. It was too much for me to carry and I somehow knew would not survive if I tried.
The first instruction that came to me within a day or two of taking the third step, perhaps my first conscious communication with a power greater than myself, was the thought or maybe the understanding that "Hey, I better get on to 4 & 5 at once. If I don't, I may not overcome drinking"
I went to my sponsor and asked for his help. I listed my faults and began to see their futility and their fatality. My inventory gave me some insight into patterns of behaviour that were destructive, I began to see how I was my own worst enemy. It also formed the basis of my step 8 list.
The very next day I was back with my sponsor for the fifth step, confession. It was through this that I lost my lonliness and shame. While our stories disclose in a general way... and I related, I never heard any of the really bad struff I did, so I thought I was the worst case to come to AA and the least deserving. My sponsor shared some things with me and I found out that what happened to me was just normal run of the mill alcoholic stuff.
Then, like you, I went away for a day to reflect.
I totally agree with your exhortation to get on with it, the sooner the better. It is completely in line with the sentiments expressed in the Big Book and, afterall we have a terminal illness which can be arrested if we take certain medicine IN TIME, and make no mistake, the clock is ticking.
To quote one of Parkinson's laws, "Delay is the deadliest form of denial" and no where is it more applicable than with alcoholics and the 12 steps.
God Bless, MikeH
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Tuesday 24th of April 2012 05:21:08 PM
I just posted a heartful share more or less about my past but as always on how working my program had enabled me to change. And I just wanted to say to anyone who may be struggling with this..Hay just do it.and without fear. Mine was along time ago. But I was ready for them. I wanted to move on along my path to better things :} I had no fear and was perhaps the most willing ever to get working on them. Make a start asp. :} or as my mother would say'' get a move on '' when she wanted something do. :} Yep get a move on and it will change so much for you...
"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
As I came towards the end of my first Step Four, I urgently wanted to get Step Five out of the way. Too much was churning around in my head. All the recently disinterred unwanted and unwelcome memories unlocked from deep suppression by Step Four, were giving me no rest. So when it came to the day to do Step Five, I was pouring out the past as fast as I could. My listener slowed me down and let me look at the bigger picture not the details. I found my resentments against my relatives, colleagues, authorities, and the rest of the world, were more correctly resentments against me. I was the problem. My thinking, desires and behaviour were the cause of my distress and that of others.
As I went on with Step Five I felt a great burden lifted. Though I was learning I was the guilty party, not all those against whom I held resentments, I felt forgiven as fast as I told my story and accepted my guilt. It was an extraordinary experience. It was my first and greatest spiritual experience. I felt lifted up and made clean. I was filled with relief and happiness. It felt like a strong white light inside me.
As I understood what my faults were and how they had blighted my life I passionately did not want to repeat any of them. Within this spiritual experience I wanted all the help I could get to change. This was my Step Six. I went away to a private place and thought about what had happened and what I had learned, and gave thanks for some hours. I suppose it was meditation or prayer, but I am not skilled enough in these things to know. I asked the source of my spiritual experience to help me become whole. I knew I had to make the changes in my thinking and behaviour, and that I needed the help of this suddenly encountered Higher Power to do so.
All that was years ago. My Higher Power has not left me and is my support whenever I lean on It, It is like a strong post behind me. Always there, but I have to do the leaning to feel It. My Step Five and Step Six are shortly told but supremely important in my recovery.
Today I have a 12 step program that I need in my life. It is a program for living.
I am greatful that I have AA and my higher powere guiding me :}
Please do not avoid you program because for me it has set me free..
Good luck that you do for if not you may well drink again I know I would if I did not put some effort into them.
They have saved my life. :} along with new found friends too.
