At my Step 3 discussion meeting last night, we talked about "letting go and letting God".
I have heard this phrase before, outside of the AA context. Talking about it along with step 3 last night made me meditate on what it means to me. What it means to me is what I have written in my signature, and what I have named this thread.
When I was growing up, there was no awareness around Asperger's Syndrome (on the autism spectrum) in women and girls. So the autistic traits that I exhibited, such as being unable to imagine how other people were feeling or thinking, were mistaken by my parents and teachers for selfishness and not caring about others. As a result, for my whole life, I was constantly told that I was a bad person because I didn't care about others. I believe that my mother in particularl came down hard on me because she felt responsible, being the main person who raised me.
Well being reminded to share your toys or wait your turn is fine when you're a kid, but when you reach adulthood, you're conditioned to believe you are an innately bad person. For me, this resulted in my always putting the needs of others first. I made myself responsible for the contentment of others, including and especially around things for which I had no control. Friends and colleagues laugh at me for constantly apologizing for things that aren't my fault. A boss I had when I was in my early 20s called me out on it once, and that was the first time that I ever thought, "no, it is not my fault that so and so wants our services for free, so why should I apologize?"
Predictably, it got to be too much, feeling like a fakilure all day every day, drove me to drink. Now in recovery, I am making an effort to be responsible for that which I am respnsible for (doing a good job at work, paying my bills, being a loving daughter and sister) and learning to let go of the learned compulsion to make everything and everyone my problem.
I valued others over myself for 27 years. That is why I am finally treating myself the way I was raised to treat others. I cant give them my best, unless I am my best.
Please share your thoughts, and help my meditation today.
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The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
Thank you for you post today. So very much of me in you share.
My mother made me feel just the same and put me down all of my life. All through school I was behind everyone else and unable to achieve much. Being in the '' special class for slow students'' I married my first husband when very young because I had to before the baby was born. He has raped me and in my young age I thought that this was how things were done and taken...I never told anyone. My mother told me as she always '' told me ! '' I had made my bed so to speak and I was to get on with it !
He was violent and abusive.And always called me stupid, as did my Mother and School teachers. He would produce the drink so as I would do my duty..I remember on my wedding day knowing I did not want to do this but knew I had no choice. I eventually left him after a terrible beating and took my daughter away form this horrendous situation. It eventually emerged that he had also forced himself onto one of my sisters and abused my little sister of 12 yrs old. I found the strength to have him charged and he was put on the child offenders list.
I spent the next 18yrs raising my daughters working and putting them fist,alongside the needs of my Alcoholic Mother. At the same time I obtained a diploma/degree in Psychology and counselling while working within the Mental Health team. Wow and after many years I was sectioned within that same team for my own safety :} :} Yes thank you your post has hit home.
Today I can smile at my past for it has lead me to the path I enjoy so very very much today. My path to happiness and sobriety. I have learnt to love myself and forgive and let go of my past that so haunted me.
I have been no angel either for my self-hatred and hatred of others I drank on in my later years. By working on steps 4-5 I was able to let go of my past and heal. This was a wonderful thing :}
I respect myself today and my daughters and myself are proud of my changes as is my second husband a fellow AA is too.
I was able to make amends with my Mother before she died. This meant to very much to me,and I miss her today. One of my sisters took her own life I miss her too. But today all the pains that I drank on are no longer.
Yes I treat myself well today I work hard at staying positive and content. I work hard at helping others. I walk a mile in their shoes ..
For all those who I see who suffer and struggle within AA I say. '' If you want to stay sober work hard for it'' and if you do not want to work hard for it I need to help someone who is willing to go to any lengths. I have :}
And keep coming back it gets better.
Thank very much for my reminder today that my higher power has chosen my new path for me.:}
You have great courage to share your personal struggles online. LGALG-- I add a couple words to that to make the slogan: Let go and Let God be God. For me that stresses the importance for me to stay the hell out of the way and let the HP be in charge.
Mental health issues are tricky bastards, especailly when misunderstood by parents and family members. Heck over 50 years ago, manic depressive disorder (now bipolar) and schizophrenia were blamed on Mommy's poor parenting skills.
Thank goodness for the process of these 12 Steps and encouragement and understanding from our friends and support people. We do heal and grow and become new people with the help of the HP (mine I call 'Big Momma God'); daily maintenance of our spiritual condition; continuing inventory, reflection, and meditation; and passing on The 12-step message to other suffering alkies.
Trust God, Clean House, Help Others
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"What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." ~Basic Text, page 85
