Reading the posts on this board, I see that telling our stories is a part of the MIP tradition. What follows is where I was, what happened, and how I am now.
I think I was always an alcoholic. My first drunk came in 1987, when I was 2 years old. My parents were hosting a dinner party and while I don't remember my dad giving me sips of his wine, I do remember jumping up and down on the couch and laughing my head off. The guests thought it was hilarious. I thought, "This is amazing, I want to do this every day!"
My next drunk was in Italy in 1998, when I was 13 years old. My father had a conference there with other academics. We went out to dinner with the colleagues and I had 2 glasses of wine and a liquer after dinner. The other adults seemed to think I was absolutely delightful. I attributed it to the effects of the drink.
When I was 15 I began to experience crippling anxiety attacks and was diagnosed with depression. I was put on anti-depressants and managed to make it through high school with excellent grades and got into a good university here in my hometown. I lived in the dorms for my 2nd year, but did not reach out to any other kids on my floor or building. No one understood it, not even me. The only time I partied with them was the last night before we all had to move out for the summer. I went to the common room where everyone was drunk and asked a guy for a beer. He said, "there's no more, but you can have this one I just opened." As the kids watched, I tilted the bottle to my lips and chugged half of it in one go. "She's good!" one of the guys exclaimed at the sight of this 5 foot, 110 pound girl guzzling that beer. I hadn't laughed that loud and with such abandon in years.
Around the time I was 22, I began drinking daily. My parents drink regularly and they make their own wine, so there was always plenty in the house. I would stay up until after everyone else went to bed and then methodically drink two glasses of wine, followed by a beer and a meal. I was very strict about keeping my consumption down to 3 drinks a day, more than I kenw I should have but not enough to be labeled an alcoholic, I rationalized.
When I finished the classes for my master's degree in 2010, I began looking for a job in my chosen field of counselling and advocacy. The recession had hit right when I began graduate school and I thought that by the time I was finished my program I'd be able to find a job. I was wrong. Suddenly for the first time in over 2 decades, I had no school and no job. I also had a student debt and rent to pay. I had ended a relationship with an abusive ex the year before and my new (still current) boyfriend lived in a city 4 hours away.
I became depressed and began really drinking. I'd stay up until 3 or 4 AM drinking beer or wine and sleep until 1:30 in the afternoon, then smoke weed, watch trashy daytime TV while "looking for a job". In the early evening I'd go out to buy smokes and alcohol and then the cycle would start again.
I was angry. Angry at the world, at myself, at my parents, at the past, at the future. I was livid that I could have done everything right, gone to school for 25 years and gotten 2 degrees, and then find myself unemployed. I was angry at my fellow graduates who managed to get jobs (some of them drank as well, but they also had connections in our field that I did not have, being the child of an immigrant and a stay at home mother).
In the summer of 2010, my mother who like others in my life was concerned about this turn of events, called me and said, "Did you ever think you might be a little bit... autistic?" Believe it or not I had thought of it before, but never said anything for fear of being told by my parents that I was being a drama queen. One thing led to another and by October 2010, I was diagnosed with a moderate case of Asperger's disorder, which is on the autism spectrum.
This was followed in April 2011 by a diagnosis of Bipolar II. Bipolar runs in the family, my maternal aunt has Bipolar I.
Around this time two psychiatrists I had and a counsellor told me that I was drinking to excess (only one used the word "alcoholism") but that just made me angry. The counsellor suggested I go to AA, I rationalized not doing so by saying I was "not as bad" as anyone who "has to" go to AA.
My bottom came in the end of June 2010, it is still painful to think about now. I was at my brother in law's place for a party, and had been looking for work for 3 months (in the end it took 13 months to get a job in my field, and today, I am working in a job that does not require either of my bachelor's or master's degrees, but it pays the bills and helps to keep me sober). Anyway, I lost track of how much I drank at the party, but I was so stressed about explaining to everyone how I didn't have a job. I went home and drank about another 1/2 bottle of wine. I was afraid of not being able to sleep so I took 4 sleeping pills.
I woke up in the sickly morning light around 6AM, lying face down in my own puke, with Kate Bush's "The Morning Fog" playing in my head.
Were I someone who slept on my back, I wouldn't have woken up that morning.
"There but for the grace of God..."
Through the haze in my head, I got up and washed the stained sheets and pyjamas, then went back to bed.
It took 22 months and a few more close calls to get here, but here I am and I wouldn't change that for the world.
Thank you for listening, and thank you for being here and helping me stay sober today.
The Morning Fog - Kate Bush (from the 1985 album Hounds of Love)
The light Begin to bleed, Begin to breathe, Begin to speak. D'you know what? I love you better now.
I am falling Like a stone, Like a storm, Being born again Into the sweet morning fog. D'you know what? I love you better now.
I'm falling, And I'd love to hold you know. I'll kiss the ground. I'll tell my mother, I'll tell my father, I'll tell my loved one, I'll tell my brothers How much I love them.
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The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
Hi Aspgril, welcome. Can identify in so many ways with your story, especially the depression, the feelings of isolation and the anger at the world -- and the not being "as bad" as those who have to go to AA.
Please keep coming back and help me to stay sober.
This overlaps with my story pretty well. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at an early age. I also am in the counseling profession. I also have both mental illness and alcoholism running in my family. My aunt has bipolar 1. When I was in early recovery my doctor thought I might have bipolar, but the mood swings lessened over time and actually so did the depression and anxiety. I also take less meds now though I continue to need antidepressants. When you acquire a better way of looking at and coping with life, you will be amazed at how much your mental health problems lessen. You should know from being in the field that anyone who goes to a psychiatrist or psychologist is going to get a diagnosis. You will not know for sure what your "real" mental health issues are until you are sober for a good while.
What I now know is that all the time I spent thinking I was a defect and a failure for having mental health problems and not having the jobs I wanted - That was wasted time. When I found myself needing a new job a year and a half ago (now sober over 3 and a half years - So I was sober then for just over 2 years), I blasted 20 resumes out, went on 7 interviews and got a new job. Before I would just whine and complain and nothing changed. I had to be sober and learn new ways of doing things in order to start having the life I was meant to. When you sit around feeling angry and sorry for yourself (and throw alcohol on top of it), you actually become a casualty and a victim and more bad stuff happens to you. Who knew?
I don't know where you live, but a person with a master's in counseling can find a job pretty easily here. It might not be where you want to stay ultimately, but it will suffice for you to build up supervision hours til you are licensed and then you can move on from there.
Really glad you are here!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you to all for posting your thoughts, and for helping me stay sober today.
Fyne Spirit, I have lived with such shame and anxiety around that night that I can barely think about it to this day without getting upset. When I go back to my brother in law's place or even listen to albums I was into at the time, it takes me back to then and I am just not ready to deal with it yet. Thank you for making me feel less alone in having done something so disrespectful to myself and those I love.
SteveP, I know that many of us have rejected the love and support in the AA rooms because of fear of being "one of us". Now I know that by doing so, I was only continuing to hurt myself and others. Those in my life who know I have started attending meetings are very proud of me, and I honestly feed off that energy to continue doing the recovery work. And it took two years, but I now know that being angry at anyone and everyone does not get you what you want - in fact, it works the opposite way.
JaD, I am so honoured that you read my story. I've been working the program for about as long as you have, and like you I have had a relapse. Your posts and insights about your life as a woman and as a mother have given me much strength these past few weeks. They have helped me to stay sober - I want to be sober for my mother, my father, my sister, my partner, and my future babies. Thank you.
pinkchip, I have enjoyed reading so many of your posts here. With regard to diagnoses, I am certain the Asperger's one is correct. I believe that the Bipolar II is also, especially as I have been helped immensely by the meds prescribed for it. But on my 7th 24 hours now, I can already feel the anxiety, depression and anger abating and feel more stable than I have in years. I will take a wait and see approach. Once I have more months of sobriety under my belt I will re-evaluate the psychiatric diagnoses.
StPeteDean, thank you! I am so happy to be here :)
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The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
Oh how well I remember that morning fog....the sick feeling in my gutt, my head and the impending thoughts of what had happened the night before. All the fear, shame and guilt that comes with territory was so awful !!!
I am truely grateful for God in my life today along with the life changing program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
