JaD, we haven't met on here before, so I'll say hi before I say anything else: hi!
I can't speculate on the immediate situation.
In my experience, which admittedly isn't as long as many others on here (3 years in AA), sponsors are very up front about firings. I've not been fired by a sponsor (yet! ; ) )but if it happened, he would tell me that he thought that we shouldn't work together and he would prob make a suggestion for someone else. As to reasons, sometimes sponsors need to move on themselves, sometimes they don't click with sponsees, sometimes sponsees get drunk and the sponsor can't handle it, being worried about their own sobriety as a result.
BUT, you don't know if you've been fired. So, unless you're told otherwise, you could drop your sponsor a text and ask to catch up, is everything OK, etc.
And another BUT: in my experience, in early sobriety, I needed a sponsor whom I could get into contact with as much as poss. Although my sponsor is an incredibly busy guy, he said to me, early in, if you need me and my phone is not picking up, text me "XXX, urgent" and I'll leave the meeting or whatever it is. YOU have needs and if your sponsor can't meet them, then you can find another sponsor. It's your sobriety.
Thanks for being here and keep coming back.
Steve
-- Edited by SteveP on Sunday 15th of April 2012 04:40:34 PM
-- Edited by SteveP on Sunday 15th of April 2012 04:42:04 PM
Tasha, anyone sponsoring you should expect to get lots of calls. At this point you should be checking in with your sponsor daily and they should be answering pretty much every day. You want to agree upon times to call also. Finding another sponsor would be good if they go more than 3 or 4 days without answering you and don't have a pretty darn good reason.
Sponsoring newcomers is labor intensive. I literally called mine (and he answered) every day for the first year. I still call mine at least every other day.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 15th of April 2012 06:18:00 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'm not sure what I did, or didn't do... but I haven't been able to get ahold of my sponsor for several days, and I'm not sure if that means I'm "fired" and I'm just suppose to quit calling? Is that what happens if someone doesn't want to work with you anymore? I only had this sponsor for a couple weeks, and we didn't know each other all that well yet, so I don't know if I should be worried, or what. To my knowledge, I didn't do anything to deserve being "fired" although I don't know exactly how that works either, I've only heard other people talk about being fired. Could someone please let me know if this is how a typical firing goes, and what would be some causes of it?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
One guy I asked said i golf a lot in the summer so you better get two. I picked another guy. I agree with pink. get a few backups in case your main one is sick, out of town, forgot to pay his phone bill, whatever. And you know you can always count on us if you're really stuck
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
I would not expect anyone to just "disappear" as a sponsor without talking to you about it. But the reality is that sponsors are just people -- not trained therapists -- so sometimes we just have to accept what may be unusual behavior and move on.
If you find a new sponsor, and for some reason the old one contacts you again, it would be perfectly acceptable to tell her that after being unable to contact her for some time, you chose to find a new sponsor.
I have left a message every day with no return. Today I mentioned I was getting worried, and that I hope I didn't do something wrong. Still no call back. Been calling a few times per day at different times. I'm actually more worried now, because I would always get an answer every day, or a call back right away. No idea what's going on. I did however mention at our last meeting together that I don't know if I believe in God, and that my HP is AA at this point, and that seemed to not be pleasing... hmmmm... I did also ask this person to be a temp. sponsor until I could find someone else, but that hasn't been going well. There are lots of men available, but no woman. Thank goodness for this board, because I would be lost without it! I'm going to have to just ask anybody again I guess... that will be better than nothing I guess???
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hi Tasha, Your para about God shouldn't be a problem. Many of us were like you in this regard. In my own case I really didn't begin to get a real feeling about God until after the 5th step. The spiritual awakening which includes conscious contact with God happens as the result of the steps, it is not a prerequisite. Maybe GG is on the right track, or perhaps there is just some innocent explanation. Let's pray for the latter.
Here's a little trick I learned for finding a sponsor. Watch people in meetings. When you find someone you relate to who seems to have a good handle on sobriety, ask them out for coffee. When you're in the cafe, watch how they are in there too. Some people talk a real good talk in meetings, but when they're out in the real world, they forget they got to walk it out there.
If you're looking for a sponsor of the opposite sex, just go to a meeting wearing your sexiest outfit, some nice perfume, share in the meeting that you're feeling very lonely and you wish you had someone to talk to. The guy who doesn't give you his phone number at the end of the meeting, that's the guy you want as a sponsor. Ok that was a joke.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
LOL - I have a male sponsor right now. Not to be crude, but I asked the oldest, ugliest guy that I've seen thus far in the different meetings I go to. Just to be on the safe side. I also talk a lot about my husband, and how the reason I'm here is to change myself, have a better marriage, be a better Mother, daughter, etc... Also - I go to a very large meeting where at the end people who are willing to sponsor, stand up and introduce themselves by saying how long they are sober, and who (male, female or anybody) they are willing to sponsor, and he said anybody. There were no females and 20 some men. 5 or so said anybody, and he was the least threatening looking, but maybe he still had the wrong idea. I will just try and find a new sponsor now.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
If you're looking for a sponsor of the opposite sex, just go to a meeting wearing your sexiest outfit, some nice perfume, share in the meeting that you're feeling very lonely and you wish you had someone to talk to. The guy who doesn't give you his phone number at the end of the meeting, that's the guy you want as a sponsor. Ok that was a joke.
lolz...funny, but also much wisdom and truth in this there is... :)
Well, I found out the person is okay - so it's just me - no idea what - but I called to apologize for whatever it is, and also for breaking the rules of anonymity by asking today at my home group : (
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Well, I found out the person is okay - so it's just me - no idea what - but I called to apologize for whatever it is, and also for breaking the rules of anonymity by asking today at my home group : (
Remember, it's not just you -- that person had a role to play in this. It's a shame that they didn't have the honesty and openness and courage if they were indeed wanting to end the sponsorship arrangement to be up front with you about it. Sounds like you're better off, frankly -- honesty as you know is a key part of successful recovery.
Sounds also like you've worked on your side of the street and are moving on. Good stuff.
Are there other meetings in your area that women go to where you might find a female sponsor? Maybe it's just me, but shall we say...they make the men with men, women with women suggestion for a reason...yes there are exceptions where the opposite works well...but exceptions by definition are...exceptions...
Maybe I'm just being too picky. I really wanted a female around my age, with a few years sobriety, who seems happy, and in this city. Maybe those are unrealistic expectations. Well they obviously are or I would have a sponsor. So which thing should I drop first? Hmmm - I really really want a female around my age who seems happy and with it. I would go with those things as most important to me, is that wrong? Am I looking at this backward? I don't trust myself and my thinking! It is hard for me to drive to other cities for meetings because of the cost of gas and babysitters. That could start to really ad up fast... and I could see myself feeling bad about that because I already feel bad about the 25 dollars a day it costs now. What is the least amount of sobriety one should have to sponsor?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I don't think there is a suggested least amount of time. It is suggested that the person has already completed their twelve steps and seems to be enjoying their sobriety. Some people might suggest a year minimum. I was on my 12th step at 6 months because my sponsor was in a hurry. Actually so was I because we had this little discussion about me getting into a relationship and I was whining about not wanting to wait a year which is of course another of those nifty little suggestions in AA and he said well you can wait a year or you can do the steps. It all depends on how lonely you are. He was joking of course. I think. Or maybe he tricked me into doing them. Anyway, the first 100 did their steps in less than a month. I took 6 months. So I'd say I took my time. Okay what was the question again? Oh yes. The big book says it all on page 164. You cannot transmit something you don't have, so how can you show someone how to do something that you haven't done yourself. That makes sense. Now flip that around. If you know how to do the steps, you can show someone else how to do them, so you can transmit the message to them if you have the message. So, how long does it take to get the message?
There is a reference in the big book to the publication of the book and it says "By late 1937, those members having substantial sobriety time behind them....." Lets do a little math. The first official AA meeting was on June 10, 1935 and a little over 2 years later, a bunch of members with substantial sobriety time decided to carry their message of hope to the world. So they figured 2 years was enough. I started to sponsor others when I had a year. I been sponsoring others ever since. Not all of them got sober. In fact, most of them didn't. But one thing is for certain. I stayed sober by trying to help others to stay sober.
I know that didn't answer your question, but it answered one of mine. Have a great day and good luck with that.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
It was always said to me to ask so I have, also it was said to always be honest so I have. I have learnt all that I know from two sponsors that I have trusted and received guidance from. But I have also learned from them how not to behave just from their behaver too. My first one had 25yrs sobriety when I met her my first time in the rooms on AA. There were very few women about in our little town back in the day so she more or less took me and guided me. But she was not happy about my relationship with another AA member.She was very rude and rather of a demanding powerful type of person.Well I did not like rudeness so I stopped phoning her. We have been married now 14yrs and are both happy in AA. She died 30odd yrs sober and we both made amends to each other so that was nice. :}
I took my time when looking for another and after two years asked her. Yes it was good everything was good all the work I did on step 4/5 and the achievement of being able to share with another person was good. We all need this. But sponsors are not saints who is ! So when something happened and I felt I did not like the way she behaved I was brave enough to peak to her about this..Hmmm..Her response was nothing like what I might have expected ! I guess I was looking for some understanding and all she said was '' There is nothing the matter with my behavior '' and '' I am not your sponsor '' Well you could have knocked me down with a feather :} We have a small meeting of say 12 regular members on our small Island here. And for three years now she has not spoken to me as such. Its hard for her to force a smile but for my own sanity I continue to raise above this sort of thing and always smile and say hello. My meetings are very important to me. Why have I shared this with you, because she teaches me 3 times a week every time I see her,what not to do...Because I know I could not be so unkind. I have many times gone home and cried. Dose it bother her. No. Yes it bothers me but not enough to stop me from going to my meetings :} Its hard but I do it. I need to look at myself always as we all need to. She know how/what she is doing but I am powerless and turn to my higher power and AA for guidance.
I work hard today to keep myself Happy,content sober and serene. I do know that a new sponsor will come along when I least expect it and I am sure for you too. In the meantime just keep getting to meetings reading you AA sharing when you can and trust that your God of your understanding is guiding you. Work hard for it,its worth it. :}
It is really sad Dean isn't it? I have struck out asking person after person, and each time she say's "I'm full", I wonder why it's so hard for me. What am I doing wrong. Do these people just not like me? Am I black listed and I don't know it? Is AA just a big click, and I'm decidedly "out"? And just when I'm about to give up, just to get these damn thoughts out of my head, it hits me. I'm never going to give up. I'm never going to let anything stand in the way of my sobriety again. For the first time ever in my life, I know, as deep into my soul as I can reach, I will never give up! This is just a small test/hurdle, there have been others I have given into... and I drank. I will not let that happen again.
And then it happened. A girl showed up to the meeting last night, that I haven't seen in a couple months. She was at a very very large meeting on a night when people raise their hands and stand up to say who they will sponsor, and I looked at her and immediately felt like I wanted to ask her, I didn't know anything about her, but just the way she carried herself, and the gentleness of her voice, seemed like something awesome! Well that meeting was huge, hundreds of people, and we were on opposite ends of the building. By the time I sifted through all the people, and all the welcoming hands, she was gone.
Then last night, out of no where at the end of our meeting, she was standing in front of me introducing herself! I didn't even see her at the meeting, but she saw me, and found me! She saw that I raised my hand when they asked if anyone needed a sponsor, and came to me! It hope this was meant to be! She fits my entire description of what I want in a sponsor. She also mentioned last night that she is an Art teacher! I drove home last night with the biggest smile on my face, and my head finally just spinning full of wonderful things instead of the negative as it seems to love to do. So I'm really grateful for my HP's gift today. For everyone here, and that I'm sober.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
And Dean, at that meeting of a couple hundred people, there were only 2 or 3 females who raised their hands to sponsor, and 15 or more men. I don't know where you're from, but you do have to lower your expectations a bit here : ( I didn't ask her how long she's been sober. I asked her if she has ever sponsored before, or if I was the first, and she said she has... that was good enough for me.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
About six months in I applied for a job at a local place. Great hours, great pay, close, 9 day fortnight and all that. Suited me to a tee and I had everything they wanted.
Didn't get it because of some pretty obvious nepotism and I was pretty crushed. I couldn't do anything right. Felt like I was carrying a dirty black cloud over me and everyone could see it.
A couple of weeks after that I landed a better job. Better hours, pay, a great boss and superb flexibility.
That was at the same time that my wife and I had a falling out over custody (sorted nicely now) and I had to travel back and forward to the city often while it was being resolved. Couldn't have done that in the first job. Did it easy with the second.
I also found out that the crew I would have worked for was shifted around the plant and was now working with alcohol as part of the process. No problem with any of that at the second. Nobody even cracks a beer after work.
Just like your sponsor, I guess. We don't always get what we want but we will get what we need when we need it. We just have to keep the faith.
Welcome aboard... to begin with you are doing the right thing by asking questions.
I'm a firm believer in the boys with the boys, and the girls with the girls! Women are better equiped to work with a female newcomer. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of guys that are very capable of giving advice but sponsorship is a different thing. Just my opinion...
When you go to your next meeting look for some women in the room, go and sit near them and try to strike up a conversation telling them you're a newcomer. In most cases they'll talk to you... and if they go for coffee, they'll probably ask you to come along. That scenario isn't guaranteed but I've seen it work many times over the years.
Until you find a sponsor read the AA literatue and go on-line here, and there are several other AA related sites you can Google them. It will all fall in place... the main thing is don't pickup a drink! You have a good start and you ask questions which is an asset when first coming around.
Good luck and have a great day!
Keeping it simple...
Jack D
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Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die...
It is really sad Dean isn't it? I have struck out asking person after person, and each time she say's "I'm full", I wonder why it's so hard for me. What am I doing wrong. Do these people just not like me? Am I black listed and I don't know it? Is AA just a big click, and I'm decidedly "out"? And just when I'm about to give up, just to get these damn thoughts out of my head, it hits me. I'm never going to give up. I'm never going to let anything stand in the way of my sobriety again. For the first time ever in my life, I know, as deep into my soul as I can reach, I will never give up! This is just a small test/hurdle, there have been others I have given into... and I drank. I will not let that happen again.
And then it happened. A girl showed up to the meeting last night, that I haven't seen in a couple months. She was at a very very large meeting on a night when people raise their hands and stand up to say who they will sponsor, and I looked at her and immediately felt like I wanted to ask her, I didn't know anything about her, but just the way she carried herself, and the gentleness of her voice, seemed like something awesome! Well that meeting was huge, hundreds of people, and we were on opposite ends of the building. By the time I sifted through all the people, and all the welcoming hands, she was gone.
Then last night, out of no where at the end of our meeting, she was standing in front of me introducing herself! I didn't even see her at the meeting, but she saw me, and found me! She saw that I raised my hand when they asked if anyone needed a sponsor, and came to me! It hope this was meant to be! She fits my entire description of what I want in a sponsor. She also mentioned last night that she is an Art teacher! I drove home last night with the biggest smile on my face, and my head finally just spinning full of wonderful things instead of the negative as it seems to love to do. So I'm really grateful for my HP's gift today. For everyone here, and that I'm sober.
Nice! Thanks for posting JaD - put a smile on my face. What do they say, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear"? (Or is it the other way around?).
Thanks - my sponsor is a wonderful girl, but never available during the day when I need it most, looks like the search continues : ( __________________________________________________
Not so fast, how about other folks to call besides your sponsor? Usually when we raise our hands in meetings, after the chair person asks "are there any newcomers/ people in their first meeting/ 30 days", people offer us phone numbers to call them. Asking for help, via phone number/ people to talk to, will achieve the same. Building a sober network, to support each other, takes some of this day to day burden off of the sponsor. They have a life too, and that's a good thing .
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 28th of April 2012 05:20:11 AM
The Big Book says No human power could get have relieved our alcoholism, a sponsor is a human power, now normally speaking I am in here pounding the pulpit about the need to get a sponsor and work the steps....but what is a sponsor?
A sponsor is a guide to walk you through the spiritual awakening achieved by working the steps, someone who shares their experience, strength and hope with you and shows how they incorporated those steps into their own lives as they walk you through your own path using the directions clearly laid out in the book.
A sponsor isn't a marriage counselor
A sponsor isn't a financial advisor
A sponsor isn't a therapist
in short, a sponsor isn't the only thing you rely on to get you through early sobriety.
Sobriety requires "spokes" like a bicycle tire, a sponsor is only one of those spokes, attending meetings, working the steps, reaching out to newcomers (even when you are new), building a support group, using the phone to call this support group, working the steps, reading our literature, and did I mention working the steps, and working the steps?
When I got sober, there was a young woman named Jeanine who got sober a few years ahead of me, young people were just beginning to come to AA in great numbers, and she ended up sponsoring hundreds of women over the years (decades), and in many stories I heard over the years, were by women who had been sponsored by Jeanine, they'd call her up with all of their drama (Jeanine was maybe 26 at this time) and she'd say "walk to a meeting", even though the meeting was over an hour away if the sponsee walked, and hang up the phone, rather then listen to the newcomers drama, the newcomer would walk to the meeting, get their early, stay late, walk home and call her again, "walk to another meeting" she'd say and hang up.
Many, and I mean many hundreds of women credit Jeanine with literally saving their lives with this approach, it kept them busy, she taught them independence from her (a human power) and taught them to rely on The Program instead, and it kept them so busy, walking to 3 meetings a day, they didn't have time to drink.
Leaning on your sponsor too hard in my experience gets us drunk, because sponsors are a human power and they sooner or later will fail us, whereas the program never will.
Bill talks about this a bit in step 4 of the 12 by 12
Nor is the quest for security always expressed in terms of money. How frequently we see a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon a stronger person for guidance and protection. This weak one, failing to meet life's responsibilities with his own resources, never grows up. Disillusionment and helplessness are his lot. In time all his protectors either flee or die, and he is once more left alone and afraid.
Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves-two emotions quite as unhealthy as the demands which evoked them.
But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
The Program as a whole is an amazing thing, building a support group, attending meetings, getting commitments, working the steps with a sponsor, and reaching out to those newer than us builds a new life, and a new happiness, not trying to make someone our new AA Guru, I have had sponsors "fail" me, and I have "failed" sponsees, once we all grew up and stopped placing unreasonable demands on each other and on ourselves, these failures ceased, because now we carry each other, but to get their I had to build that wheel of sobriety with all those spokes, meetings, steps, sponsor, support group, phone etc.
No human power could have relieved our alcoholism
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Linbaba - thanks for all of that insight. I am enjoying AA as a whole. I'm kind of not dealing with any drama right now thank GOD - I just really want to get going on my steps... I suppose I could ask someone else to keep the momentum going with me. Great advise!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
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