Ring around the rosie

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Ring around the rosie

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

Excellent. isnt it amazing how easier things are when we actually use the tools of the program.

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

rarely.....

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Angry mom is better than drunk mom. The "calm tolerant drunk mom" is an illusion.

Nobody expects you to be a perfect parent. Just love your kids and do the best you can. Trust me, I work daily with orphans and foster kids and many of them would think your "monster mom" was the greatest thing ever.

Not saying you should go ballistic on your kids - but you didn't drink and right now - that made it a good day. Period. Sounds like you are already catching onto this though.

In support,

Mark

vixen · MIP Old Timer

On days when I feel like my emotions are stretched tight I repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over...and over and over again. It's such a challenge the first few months when you have to feel and deal instead of medicate and numb. I relied on my Higher Power because I simply knew I couldn't do it on my own.

You are giving your children the best gift ever, a sober mother. Be gentle with yourself along the way, lovely one. :)

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

They're so right Tasha, and this is why. There's a certain level of excellence God wills for us on this planet and the rest are a set of 'ideals' we strive for daily. And I emphasize the word 'strive'. Even perfectionists themselves have character flaws -real or imaginable, so take it easy on yourself dear and never take life too seriously, okay. I try not to question the 'why's' anymore; especially when I'm confronted with a dilemma that challenges my awareness, somehow. I try to turn those impulsive behaviors over to the care of my higher power instead, rather than managing those decisions all by myself. By letting go and letting God I find peace in the midst of all that chaos, so I suggest you turn it over instead dear and watch the miracle unfold -exactly as God planed. Your sober today Tasha and your kids our happy for that, so be happy too, alright. Remember...tomorrow is another day, okay. We're proud of you dear, we really are...

~God bless~

-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 12th of April 2012 03:19:45 AM

gonee · MIP Old Timer

I made my amends for restless, irritated, unhappy Dad. My children are adults now after 23 years of AA sobriety. Nothing is worse than drunken Dad. I had endangered their lives so many times while driving drunk. Initial recovery is tough as we work the steps. I told my family that, and, explained to them about this disease of alcoholism. Eventually my wife and children came into Alanon and Alateen.

We are a very happy family, not because we do not have problems but because we respect each others space and authority. I nearly got divorced at the 12 year mark because of my stupid anger, but we resolved that too and it made us stronger. One of the things my sponsor taught me was to pray for others more than I pray for myself.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

And then this happens, and you guys just bring me to tears as I accept a little more through your kind words, that I am not alone. Other people have done what I've done, admitted it... recovered... are now helping others. You sure help me so thank you!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

So you're Human after all instead of "super mom". You worked the 10th step on it, and tomorrow is another day. I got sober when my son was 2. One day, at that age, we were standing on a street corner waiting to cross. He jumped off of the curb with an oncoming car approaching. I yanked him back, yelled and gave him a quick spank. He cried, looked up at me (pointing his finger) and cried/yelled "you are Not my friend". I was crushed and felt like dirt. I went home that night and vowed never to hit (or yell) again. I quickly realized that if I was to give up this tool (spanking) that I was going to have a lot of explaining to do. And so I did. I made a deal with him that I would never spank again but I was going to need his help, listening and minding etc.. He agreed to do his part, and pretty much did. I never spanked him again and can count the times that I yelled on one hand, all of which I "promptly admitted".

http://www.sober.org/Step10.html

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

justadrunk wrote:
I ask them daily, to try and listen, that I do not like yelling, would they please do what I ask when I ask nicely the first few times so I don't get to the yelling... they always agree... and yet it hasn't worked out that way as it did for you Dean. We've had this conversation daily for a long time.

I know that this looks like casue and affect but it does subtly imply that they are responsible for your actions, emotions, feelings. John Bradshaw describes this type of thing as "Emeshment" where boundaries (and individuality) disapear. People often wonder how codependents are made and it's along the lines of this, basically. How is daddy going to be when he gets home today? Sober and normal, drunk and happy, drunk and depressed, drunk and agry, drunk and violent....? JB says that the children "internalize problems at home". Daddy and Mommy are fighting "it's probably because I'm not a good girl. Daddy and Mommy are getting divorced, "If I was a better boy this wouldn't be happening". This feeling responsible devolopes over time. I was lucky to land in Coda and Acoa meetings at about 6 months sober. Both programs (and reading all of the Bradshaw books I could find) read like reverse parenting manuals. This is how kids get screwed up. I'm not going to do that. Am I the perfect parent of the perfect child? Not hardly. The conversation (many) with my young son were about explaining everything to him vs. "don't do that because I said so".

One of the tools I used was explaining to him what rude behavior looked like, how people interpreted it, and the consequences (like not being invited to someone's party). He got that, and then I could point to some behavior and gently say "hey buddy, that's kinda rude dontcha think". Then he'd have to think and evaluate for himself and wonder if he might be socially ostracized for it. Along the lines (in many instances) of there is not a right or wrong, but just actions and consequences, some good, some not so good.

Another cool thing I kinda got from my dad. When my son was doing something that he knew he shouldn't be doing (to get some attention usually) I would smile and rub my hands together repeatedly and say "I'm warming them so that my hand won't be cold when it hits your butt". He'd laugh cause he knew we had a deal (no spankings). He'd say "no dad I'm warming mine up, my hand it going to hit your butt". We'd both laugh and he forget whatever he was doing (that was annoying me).

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 12th of April 2012 02:59:16 PM

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 12th of April 2012 08:49:05 PM

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I too vowed to never spank my kids again a couple years ago. I haven't either. I haven't made the vow towards yelling, maybe I just need to actually say it out loud to them, instead of repeatedly in my head! Maybe when I feel the need, I should drop to the floor and say the serenity prayer. I ask them daily, to try and listen, that I do not like yelling, would they please do what I ask when I ask nicely the first few times so I don't get to the yelling... they always agree... and yet it hasn't worked out that way as it did for you Dean. We've had this conversation daily for a long time.

This isn't a message board on parenting... I don't mean to make it one either. The point is, I let myself feel awful. Really terrible, and didn't drink. Just let the feelings come. And the best part, I didn't even think about drinking... it never even entered my mind. That's the true power of AA.

Thanks so much for the kind words everyone : )

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I do make it very clear that they are not MAKING me yell at them.
On the other hand, my parenting is not perfect in this regard and I appreciate the advise.

Parenting is such a touchy subject - more so than religion or politics I think. I feel myself wanting to get defensive and over react here.

Thank goodness for AA, because I have learned I don't need to do that right now. You don't know the whole story, or see the whole picture, and you're just trying to help. I can see that. You only hear my whining about parenting and I have a lot I could brag about too. I don't need to do that right now either. Feels good. Glad to be sober enough to give it some more thought tonight. Thanks!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

I didn't mean it to be critical, just sharing the ideas. I could've written better sorry. That's why I said "subtle". It's all very subtle, because we don't realize how it's being interpreted. Both of my parents were alcoholics so I got this stuff right away when I heard it. When mine son was born I had this overwhelming feeling of shame about being an alcoholic father and it drove me into AA even though it took me a couple of years to "get it". I wanted to make sure that he was raise by a drunk for a father.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I grew up thinking I was responsible for all my parents tribulations, and swore I would never make my kids feel like that. But I am in fact doing it, so I'm glad you brought it to my attention.