I'm a music teacher, but I only know how to do what I do because someone told me to do it. And let this be my point: I have so much joy because I sat and listened. I accepted that if you create this random order from this chaosness, you will find something worth... well... finding. The enjoyment from a musical ability I find very hard to explain. It is my purest most mind consuming enjoyment right up there with orgasm. Sorry to be crude.
Back to it.
I don't get caught up in hoping ANYONE will be perfect in my life. That sucks, and I've done that long enough. The greatest thing about my husband is, he probably shouldn't be my husband. We have almost nothing in common. We do not think about things in the same way, we do not have the same hobbies, goals, ANYTHINg! He does not want the house perfectly clean with abstract art on the wall. And he doesn't know what a syncopated rythm is. I, do not know anything about tractors, farming or survivor. I do not really like camping all that much, although I wish I did.
Point is... he is someone I would love to be. He's good, and care-free, and thoughtful. He loves his family, works hard to provide for us, and tries really hard to be a good father and husband. (Replace people you meet in AA with who you would love to be). Is he? NO! He pretty much sucks. He never EVER brings me flowers. He pretty much hasn't ever remembered our anniversary, or my birthday. He leaves his crap all over the place, and I have to pick up after him as if I'm the maid. I cook, clean etc, and he doesn't have a clue what it takes to be me. Yet, he is perfect for me. He speaks slowly when I want him to speak fast. He teaches me patience. He gets all dirty and greasy when I want to go out for sushi. He teaches me to be humble. He doesn't even comb his hair for Thanksgiving!! He shows me people will like him anyway.
I spend a lot of wasted time in front of the mirror. I only had the sense to marry him. And that's how I feel about my sponsor, all the old timers, and what I want from AA. I'm just that bug, clinging to the windsheild, hoping to live.
So if you're still sort of following...
After a few years, I realized I didn't need the fairy tale 80's romance movie life. I needed someone who asked me if I would like a cup of coffee in the morning, and bring it to me while I lay peeling my eyes open on the couch. That's Zach. He and I don't have to have anything in common, we just have to show interest in each other's intersts, no matter how UNinterested we are. Just like in AA.
We talk all the time. Most of the conversation I am not listening to, but I enjoy the sound of his voice in the backround. I LOVE that he talks to me about his day. I could really care less about who fixed what huge watcha ma call it machine, but hey, what difference does it make? I just like to hear the story, and have a distraction from my own head. Just like a meeting for AA.
He listens to my stories about teaching music and reering kids with the same amount of attention, and I laugh to myself, as I'm going on, at how petty I probably sound with all my troubles, when I see the look on his face, recognizing it from my own enduring image. That's good for me. (er um... this happens in AA) Sometimes I rush through it. Sometimes I still get irritated with picking up socks... but he's out there working really hard, and actually, I'm just picking up socks. And even if he's not working really hard, I don't mind doing it. It's good for me to do something for him without feeling anything about it. (AA) No resentment, no "now he owes me", no worry that he might want it there, no wondering if I'm doing too much, no wondering if I'm doing too little. Just nothing. Oddly. AA seems to be just like this. My HP gave me him, and prep work to be ready to accept and love all life in AA. Glad you're here to show me this tonight messenger from G.O.D.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Sunday 8th of April 2012 10:46:27 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You should write for the Grapevine magazine. Your writing/sharing is beautiful. And there are so many of us (well at least one of us) who come here hoping you posted something so that we can read it and relate. Keep doing what you're doing because its working.
-- Edited by Wolfie55 on Sunday 8th of April 2012 08:24:23 PM
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
Tasha - Several things can happen in a relationship when one party gets sober. Your moods are up and down and that will be reflected in your feelings about your husband. He probably knows this to a degree. The more that you work on filling up that gaping hole with spirituality - the same hole that you were trying to fill with alcohol - the more complete you will be on your own. To that end, whatever happens in your marriage is a bit less crucial because you know you will be okay no matter what happens.
As far as your husband is concerned: He sounds like a typical guy and there are many things to be grateful for in that. I tend to be highly emotional (kind of like you) and if I was with someone that was like me, it would be a soap opera 24/7 -
Hence, I listen to my partner and his real estate deals and business deals and so on and so forth and I share my deep philosophies and dramatic emotions with AAers and my sponsor. This is not to say I don't have very sweet and romantic moments with my partner. I'm just saying that now that I take the emotional neediness out of the equation somewhat, this is the first time I have been able to have a relationship that is so uncomplicated and wonderful.
We went to church this morning for easter and I was reading in the program the many dedications to the church. My partner had submitted a donation and it read "In thanksgiving for Mark, the love of my life." Never have I had this before. It's nice.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
i knew that I was entering emotional sobriety when I began to tire of my own voice whining. I began to think "If it's this hard for me to stand the sound of this, how must it be for others?"
What a beautiful share that was Tasha, so thank you. My other half has similar characteristics as does yours, and with similar mannerisms as well. She doesn't like Mozart -I do- and she doesn't know how to clean all that well, but she's still my best friend and greatest advocate, ever. I know, everyone has their own set of quirks, some more glaring as others, but it's part of who we are -genetically, and that's something we can't change. We can change how we respond to them, though, and that's what I do today. Enjoy moments like these Tasha -as best you can, because they're all we have, for today. It's only through those eyes that love truly feels welcome. So welcome it in, okay.
has ever wrote to me