Tasha - The point of 90 in 90 is to get you so in practice of just going to meetings that you do it on auto pilot as part of your self care for your alcoholism. Keep it up.

As far as the list of things that make you angry: Step 4 often starts with a "grudge list" or a list of resentments. There are all sorts of things that make me angry. I think you are downplaying this because you are used to dousing your feelings with alcohol and also prone to depression and anxiety more than anger. This was my pattern also. I came into AA saying "I'm not the typical alcoholic because I never get angry." It was actually that I was so busted down I just cried and hated myself. Just because I didnt' scream and rant did not mean I wasn't angry. The anger was all directed towards myself. In terms of society - women are socialized to say "I'm fine" and play nice and such when they are really angry and upset. This takes some work and it may be part of why it is harder for you to identify anger. Not to mention having little kids and CONSTANTLY putting on a "play nice!" and "this is how we share and get along" attitude.

There are LOTS of things that make you angry. Think of all the times in the past and in the present that you asked WHY!!?? This can include "Why did I have to go through....(insert situation)?" "How come I have alcoholism and (insert person) doesn't?" How come nobody understands (insert situation that is unnerving).

Just because you are not the rageaholic type alcoholic doesn't mean you don't have the rage inside you. I found out that I did.

It's a fine line between having true acceptance and denying your emotions. I'm SURE once you tap into the stuff that is bothing you, the flood gate will open.


Heck, I get angry when people have combovers, when they beep their horn, when they wear outfits that do not flatter their body. On a deeper level, I have been angry that I was the one who inherited depression and alcoholism and being gay. I get angry that my sisters just procreated and had kids and somehow that makes them wonderful to my parents in a way that will never happen with me. I have been angry that my mental problems caused me to drop out of my Ph.D. program, take underpaying jobs, and so on and so forth. Most of this stuff I have dealt will. The latter stuff I just wrote about were the BIG issues that I tackled with my sponsor over the last few years and also with my therapist. I will always have some anger though because I am human. It will help for you to stop stuffing your anger because it is then festering and turning into disease (alcoholism and PTSD).

So....Don't sit around going "Poor me..." but on the other hand do not fool yourself that you are not angry about a lot of stuff - because you are.

Hope that helps,

Mark

(also Tasha, I'm not always 100 percent right obviously . so take what makes sense and leave the rest :) )

Also - I laughed out loud, the gut kind of bend over to laugh type, when I read about the comb overs etc....
I am going to steal that and use it somehow at my noon meeting ; )

I still have my original fourth step, which was written entirely in the presence and with the help of my sponsor. Resentments = 2 and one of those was about an ex girlfriend and I more or less made it up just so I would have more than one resentment. And the other resentment was about a job that went wrong and that was a situation I brought on myself. So apparently, I was the odd one out. Everyone else could come up with pages of resentments but not me.
My mother is a drinking alcoholic, she had a chance to get sober at the same time as me but didn't get "it", my sister is something similar. Both are seething pits of resentment, it's so sickening to listen to I just don't bother anymore. When I went to make amends to my sister, she instantly reeled of a list of everything I had done wrong in my life, (mum did the same with Dad). Incredible to be carrying all that stuff around. Now I know she has done a few things wrong but for the life of me I can't remember what they are. I just don't think like that. So the big things for me were practically every other character defect than resentments, especially self centredness.
Here's the tricky bit. As I was relieved of the obsession to drink and began the process of growing up, anger and resentment appeared. They were a problem in sobriety but not part of my pre AA makeup if that makes any sense. Steps 10 and 11 were the antidote.

Thank you for checking in Tasha.  Good to hear your facing in the right direction. 

_______

My sponsor told me to make a list of people or places I'm angry with/at. 

________

Keep in mind this is only part of Step 4.  Sounds like your Sponsor is introducing you to Step 4 in small bits.  That was the way it was fed to me also.  There's also-  We reviewed our fears thoroughly.  We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.  There's also the sex inventory.  Where had we been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate etc.......

What Step 4 does is try to get down to the causes and conditions of our emotional malady(disturbances).