Having failed miserably thus far in AA, and having gone back to my old way during the last month or so, I have now dug myself a whole deeper than the one I originally had. Talk about hitting bottom... here it is. It feels like I will die. I don't know where to turn, I've burned every bridge with my husband. I am coming in just as I did 3 months ago, completely scared baffled, not sure what's right and wrong, or what I can trust and what I can't. I am on the verge of loosing everything once again. Why did I need to get back here? What is the purpose of all this pain, shame, hurt and sorrow? If I wasn't so sure that AA would work for me, if I just work it, I would be a much much bigger mess today. I've started over again yesterday. Please help me make this my last "re-do". I need all of your wisdom and support today more than ever.
Each time I would drink, I would start over in my steps. My sponsor and I would just sit down and talk things through again, and I would nod, uh huh, I'm alcholic, uh huh, I believe in a higher power, uh huh, I can turn my will and life over to him... and on we would go. I believed I was doing the right thing, but discovered how and where I was doing it very wrong. I did admit I was an alcoholic, and I believed it. But I was not admiting everything that came along with it. That I have a mental disorder. That something is wrong with me. Forever. I did not totally and completely surrender myself to that idea. I let a HP work for me, but did not put all my faith into it. It was easy for me to doubt, and forget all together that it was there working for me. The slightest bad influence, could persuade me otherwise. I did not make the choice to completely surrender. And therefore I rarely leaned on my HP when I needed to. Now, because I'm again being threatened by my husband and about to loose everything AGAIN, I can see where I went wrong. Why can't I do this when things are going right? What can I do to make sure I will never forget how this feels?
90 meetings in 90 days starting today.
Can I hear some encouraging stories please? If you fumbled around the first few months... will you please share what made you stop?
Thanks
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I too, used to jump back into AA, like a baseball player dives for 1st base, before the pitchout, while trying to steal 2nd base. There came a day when there was no comfort from being in the middle of those two. I had to get out of the middle of the road and plant myself solidly on 1st base, so that I could go home. This program is so simple that we overlook it believing that there must be a more complicated solution, as our problems seem so difficult. One day at a time, we don't drink, we go to a meeting, we pray for the obsession to drink be removed, and give thanks in evening, rinse and repeat. Welcome back to Today!
Where do we begin? Back where we started, that's where. It all started with the breaking of glass, didn't it? So it must end there as well. Holding onto past failures like we do bad memories has no purpose in the realms of recovery, does it? All that will do is perpetuate further suffering. We can't freeze time either or place ourselves in a sober conditon without some effort on our part. Guilt has its own set of snares also, and part of us insists that we cannot let ourselves off of the hook either, like were serving our penance for the suffering we've caused others. Odd impulse though, especially for us alcoholics, and at times letting go feels somehow irresponsible, cold, unbecoming. And at these times, we find ourselves teetering on the edge of uncertainty, losing ourselves in the fog of another hapless hangover, wondering what went wrong. It's a slippery slope and one I don't recommend you follow. So start instead with the first step Tasha and move on from there.
I find acceptance to be a wonderful antidote somehow, and some days demand more than others. Yesterday was a difficult, frustrating, kick in the teeth sort of day for you, and there will be others like it in the future. But as long as you can get thru it and not drink, even when drinking is the only thing that makes sense to us in the moment, then your practicing acceptance in the most radical way that you can. Acceptance and peace with ourselves and the past come more easily on the graceful, serene days infused with meaning and poignancy. It is a longer reach on the days that seem more unforgiving. But even then it can suffice, only if we accept our fate as destiny and try our best not to repeat those tragic mistakes once again. It all starts with acceptance though; acceptance of our alcoholism and our condition. Then, we move on to phase two, recovery.
So tonight, try not to ignite a bender under the guise of one coping cocktail, but throw on some recovery cologne instead and enjoy the capitulating essence of life under the umbrella of divine love. You've run the race, came up empty again, and can now enjoy each moment of life, not in the futility of the day or in vain alcoholic reasoning, but in the combines of recovery via "AA" and this forum. So get back to recovery Tasha and take the reins back from the utter arm of defeat once again. If you don't, the past will still be inflexible, the things that you wish could be changed won't be. But if we remain sober, and refocus all our energies and intentions on this moment and the next, that will be enough. So do so Tasha, for the sake of your family and yourself, starting with you first. Take it back and enjoy this for what it's worth, and never forget how you got here.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 30th of March 2012 03:58:46 PM
Tasha, I can relate to your post and your feelings for a lot of reasons. I started my recovery journey in an effort to save a 27 year marriage, as my husband had had enough. I wasn't active in my disease for all of those years, but had been for the last 6 or 7. Many, many times he told me he was going to leave, but he never did. Then one day, he told me to leave. WTF????? He was serious and I was scared to death. So I signed into outpatient treatment, went to mtgs, 90 in 90 and then some, and talked the talk, so to speak. And then I relapsed. I was so confused and lost and didn't understand what had happened. I thought I was "getting it", whatever "it"was. You mentioned a couple of times in your post about surrender. For me, I found that while in my head I knew I was an alcoholic, in my heart I had not fully surrendered to my God. Once I truly gave things over, completely, my life changed. I know my God is in charge, as I have been staying sober, 24hrs at a time, for a bit over 9 months. He is doing for me what I could not do for myself. My sponsor and the fellowship have helped me along the way, but I have had to do the work. My marriage still has it's ups and downs, and I'm not sure what will come of it, but I am no longer scared to death. I trust that my God will lead me on my path, and I will never be alone, no matter what. The greatest gifts I have received from this program are my faith and the ability to live my life one day at a time, in sobriety. I pray you will find the same. Keep trying, one day at a time. Peace and (((((hugs)))) Kelley
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I had enough time to get step 2 awareness. That the last word of it was Sanity came to me clearly. Drinking before attempting to anything rational insane just as trying to not drink as a habitual drinker was also. That's not sane...normal yes and not sane. Some (the program) one and some thing (HP) had to be relied upon instead of myself...that was sane. I went with it. Sat down in the meetings...all the way down, all the way in...listened with my ears and eyes...heard some new stuff that was working for others and practiced that myself and got different results that from what I was doing on my own. Really focused on the practice of acting on faith...belief and that came around also. Kept away from all things alcoholic...people, places and things and just did program life along with of course 90X90 which actually was like 102X90...coffeed with them, listened, argued, swore, laughed, kept coming back.
Also came to accept the definition of the chemical as cunning, powerful and baffling and then added the "I see" (ic) to the end of it. I came to believe and stopped drinking while I did. If I can do it...anyone can if they really wish. Sounds like you really wish. Second part of the 1st step coming up..."and our lives had become unmanageable...unsane"
Thank you Mr. David. That was an amazing message. My husband went ahead and told my family, his family, and I'm not sure who else that I am an alcoholic. Something I thought I was going to do myself down the road in the steps. It's horrifying, and now I get to face his side of the family this weekend much to my disturbance. I am working very hard on accepting today that I may as well get it over with... and deal with my biggest fears now, because that's what I'm being dealt, and can't change it. I have been hiding my drinking from the world for so long, that now knowing they know, is overwhelming. Seeing them face to face, and a lot of them all at once, while preparing the house to be clean, cook, go through all these emotions of really realizing all the terrible things I have caused my family to go through... it's all I can do to cry, and not do anything worse like run away - somehow. If it weren't for my kids, I would be running away. God, during the last few days has shown me he is here just by giving me the maximum amount I can "handle". The only solace I have are thinking things like "well, at least I wasn't beaten up, or injured in any way physically. Emotionally, this isn't the worst either, I don't seem to be developing PTSD through this, and that has happened to me after other "events" such as this have happened. Thanks for listening...
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha, stop beating yourself up first. The fact of the matter is that you are a real alcoholic and you need to work this to save your life. You do need that 90 meetings in 90 days, the sponsor, the service committment, the phone list, the reaching out. You need to do it full force. Dig deep....deeper than before and remember you primary purpose is to always stay sober. The fact that you are in this state of turmoil is not all bad. Many folks just relapse and hit the road for years at a time....or die. You do keep coming back. I see willingness and open-mindedness.
Call your sponsor every day. Call your sponsor when you even think about drinking. If your sponsor doesn't have time for that....find a new one. There are so many things to do before putting the bottle up to your lips. You can do this. But you have to work it like you life depends on it (because it does).
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I also thought my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, my job, my depression - all made me so unique that I would have it harder than any other person in terms of getting sober. The truth was that alcoholism had me locked into a pattern of seeing myself as helpless and a victim. How much do I suffer from these things now? I don't. I just deal with what life brings me.
What is really going on that is so bad? Nothing. Your family is coming to visit and they know you have a problem. Big deal. You are lucky your alcoholism didn't get outed through a public DUI or divorce. Stop thinking you are getting crapped on cuz you are really only crapping on yourself.
Your mind is purposely building up drama so you will drink over it. STOP! please!!!
This is not easy Tasha and I'm not judging you. I cried and cried a lot during my whole first year of sobriety. My sponsor and I now laugh at how much I whined. It took a good 2 years for that to shift. It was very painful and I can't believe him and others in AA were so patient with me. The fact that I did do it though makes me know in my heart and soul you can do it too. 1 day at a time. Dont drink no matter what!
As much as that is not an AA saying "Don't drink no matter what" was a pretty good mantra for me early on. I thought my life was a difficult hurricane of drama and emotions but I just needed to build enough sobriety to be able to see things clearly and respond rationally. This is also what they mean when they say "don't give up before the miracle happens." It will happen for you. I promise, but just keep digging deeper and working harder. Nothing is so bad you have to drink over it. NOTHING.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks Mark : ) Very few moments of my thinking are rational until I turn them over to my "God", which at this point is just AA. My life has sucked, and I have been "outed" what I feel is "before my time" and that's maybe what I needed. I wondered about you yesterday, how you "came out" and told people you were gay. And then not only that, but also an alcoholic - also being a professional counselor. How you would have felt if any of these things were done for you behind your back not on your terms. Or did you come out with it all at once, and how did you handle it... did you take it slow or fast... just curious if you would share about that... thanks!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Mark - there have been so many lessons in my drinking career that I have not learned from - big HUGE public ones, and small every day ones. It has to be different this time, and I believe it will be.... thanks to AA and this board!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
"We A.A.'s know the futility of trying to break the drinking obsession by will power alone. However, we do know that it takes great willingness to adopt A.A.'s Twelve Steps as a way of life that can restore us to sanity.
No matter how grievous the alcohol obsession, we happily find that other vital choices can still be made. For example, we can choose to admit that we are personally powerless over alcohol; that dependence upon a 'Higher Power' is a necessity, even if this be simply dependence upon an A.A. group. Then we can choose to try for a life of honesty and humility, of selfless service to our fellows and to 'God as we understand Him.'
As we continue to make these choices and so move toward these high aspirations, our sanity returns and the compulsion to drink vanishes."
All the best to you, Tasha. You CAN do this. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
My life has sucked, and I have been "outed" what I feel is "before my time" and that's maybe what I needed... How you would have felt if any of these things were done for you behind your back not on your terms.
My Mother (36 years sober now) said something profound to me, as a teenager, when I was complaining about how badly (unfairly) the police treated me one ocassion when I was arrested for drunk in public. She said "when you drink you lose your rights". The law dosen't say that, but it is true. The same goes for our reputation, integrity, privacy.... When you drink you lose your rights to these. Want to stay in control of them? Don't drink.
Seems to me that your husband has been pretty patient and supportive. Sooner or later, the spouse of an alcoholic is going to loose patience and eventially leave. It's one of the most common things that "happens to us", you can almost set your watch by it. We're hoping that this doesn't happen for you. I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone. It was the price of sobriety, in my case, so although it hurt tremendously, I wouldn't try to go back and change it if I could. But boy do I spend a lot of my time trying to convince newcomers that they don't have to lose their marriage if they will focus on their sobriety. Coming up on 5000 posts, I'll bet over 100 of them speaks to this subject.
Thank you Mr. David. That was an amazing message. My husband went ahead and told my family, his family, and I'm not sure who else that I am an alcoholic. Something I thought I was going to do myself down the road in the steps. It's horrifying, and now I get to face his side of the family this weekend much to my disturbance. I am working very hard on accepting today that I may as well get it over with... and deal with my biggest fears now, because that's what I'm being dealt, and can't change it. I have been hiding my drinking from the world for so long, that now knowing they know, is overwhelming.
Try and keep in mind that being an alcoholic isn't something a person sets out to be. We had no more say in it than we did our height or eye colour. You are not a bad person. You are a sick person. Look them right in the eye and tell them you have a very serious illness and you are getting help for it.
I'm ashamed at some of the things that my drinking led me to do but I am not ashamed to be an alcoholic. That was just the luck of the draw. And I'm certainly not going to let anyone else make me feel shame for who I am.
This disease is a disease of denial. That's how it does so much damage. Now that it is out there one of its main weapons has been taken off it. Sure you would have liked to have done it in your own way and time but here we are, and I think you've got the right attitude to make it a positive for you.
The things that I couldn't work on step 4 with my sponsor with, because I was too ashamed. The things that I was going to seek out a priest to admit, so that I could release them and get better, but still would never admit to any other person that I would ever have to see again. So now the whole world knows.
Now that "the whole world knows", might as well get your 4th and 5th steps done with your sponsor and get it over with. I was surprised to find out that my perception of the "shameful" things I did, where just another manifestation of my incredibly large EGO. Turns out my 4th step was more or less average for an alcoholic. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I hurt people, and I hurt myself. Of course it was pages and pages of drama. I was happy to burn it, after making my 8th step list. Call your sponsor and say "I'm entirely ready to do whatever it takes to get sober, what do you want me to do". And just do it. And btw, I did my 5th step with a Catholic Priest (longtime member of AA) and my sponsor simultaneously.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 30th of March 2012 01:03:06 PM
I'm happy for your breakthrough Tasha. It is a bit ironic though, isn't it? How our misfortunes can benefit others, I mean. When we finally admit our "alcoholism", were doing so to diagnose our condition, and not to embarrass ourselves. When we place ourselves in a position of trust also, we can accept help more readily, than if we remain unconvinced of our condition. It's a gut instinct for us, and not an 'ah-huh' moment. If anything, we used incidents like the one you described above as an excuse to keep on drinking. We also used denial based rationale like "I can't help it" or "It's who I am" to justify our drinking as well. The point is simple Tasha; we must do this for ourselves and ourselves only, and do so without excuse. Only then, can we gain more out of sobriety than previously imagined. So keep doing so, for today. You are adapting well Tasha, so keep the momentum going, okay. You deserve the best as always and A.A. is the best when it comes to sobriety. So, carry on.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 30th of March 2012 03:42:33 PM
I have actually decided it's way too soon to see them. I found out last night that my husband just didn't tell everyone that I am an alcoholic, but all the crap and shameful things that have gone with it. The things that I couldn't work on step 4 with my sponsor with, because I was too ashamed. The things that I was going to seek out a priest to admit, so that I could release them and get better, but still would never admit to any other person that I would ever have to see again. So now the whole world knows. I am not sure when I will be ready to see them now. Maybe never, but probably not for a couple years (of sobriety). I'm pretty torn apart. If there is anyone in England who would like me to come travel the world with them and never look back... give me a call ; )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha, when I came out, it wasn't a shocker for anyone that really cared about me. My parents had pretty big clues on both me being gay and then the alcoholism too. Furthermore, do you believe that your husband and his family care about you or do you think they just want him married to "the perfect wife." They probably do care about you and you are the mother of his children. Your alcoholism IS a family problem and people care - It's likely that it is not all about judging and blaming. Because you have so much shame wrapped up inside you, you can only see it as you being a horrible awful person.
Tasha, my heart really goes out to you. I hated myself so much when I first got into recovery. I screamed to my sponsor a couple of times "I hate myself! I'm so f##king stupid!" and such - I REALLY hated myself. That was at the root of my sickness. I hated myself for all the bad choices, for everything I'd been, for everything I had failed at. Forgiving myself was a process and learning self-care was not easy but necessary. You really have to do everything you can to put the kabosh on the self-destructive self-hate machine cuz that is at the root of relapse.
Shame kills your spirit. You cannot afford to live in shame. I guarantee there is nothing you did any worse than the rest of us. Let go of the shame and stop punishing yourself.
Before I was ready to be "out" as a gay person and before I was ready for recovery - If a person called me gay or an alcoholic - it triggered a huge shame reaction. That did happen on a number of occassions (when people called me one, the other, or both). After coming 'out" with both those things...it was like "Yeah - Didn't I already say I was a gay alcoholic?? What?? Don't you listen??" The power of being "outed" was gone cuz I was already embracing the label.
Tasha, You might as well climb to the top of a mountain or stand in front of city hall and shout 'I'm an alcoholic in recovery!!" (granted - this may not always be wise cuz not everyone needs to know your business - just saying it wont kill you whereas your drinking, self-hate, and shame will) It really doesn't matter. All that matters is staying sober or you will lose everything. Secrets are crap. What everyone else thinks of you is crap. Be proud to finally be in recovery. You are living in the solution and many alcoholics never even get there.
There is a phrase called "teminal uniqueness" and almost all of us cringe when we hear it the first time. It basically means thinking your are more horrible than everyone and you have factors in your life that are worse than everyone and that nobody can understand. I see some of this in you Tasha and I'm telling you not to insult you but to give you permission just to be like the rest of us. You truly are no different. You are just an alcoholic in recovery and that is okay.
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I am so grateful for this sober day and all of you here. How lucky am I to be able to plop down and read something here and interact whenever I've been stuck in my head of dread. Thanks
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I admitted drinking with my kids under my care in my meeting today. The very thing I thought I would only say to a priest. It was tough, but I did it, and I cried through it, but made it to the end of what I wanted to say, and I felt better. AND PEOPLE STILL ACCEPTED ME! More people than ever before came up to me at the end of the meeting to argue I was not the worst alcoholic on the face of this earth, and give me support. Other mothers came out of the would work, who had my story, offering their numbers, and sincere hope that I will call to talk. I can live my life now. I don't have anything to hide anymore. I can't wait to see how this will change everything!!
It's pretty ironic. I do not think my Dad is the worst person in the world, yet I remember him doing the same thing as me. I was actually the one bringing him the beers most of the time! I was so proud when I could reach the tapper on the keggerator as a kid so I could learn to fill a mug of beer. He admitted to me yesterday that he in an alcoholic too. Something people have been trying to get out of him for 45 yrs probably (he's 64). It was the cause of my parents divorce, and I brought him that comforting beer when he cried about it, and I didn't know what was wrong with ME? Why he was crying, why I wasn't good enough to cheer him up. Anyway - long story, but the point is, all this "outing me" has brought on an outpouring of support from my family, something I would probably not have asked for myself. And so to get my Dad's call, and for him to care enough about me, to admit that so I would talk about it with him, was just above and beyond. I was getting so many calls through out the day, and his was last. I was kind of dreading it, because he's preached to me my whole life that there is no such thing as an alcoholic. And I sort of believed it finally. He can just drink 2 or 4 beers these days. I'm told it's probably because that's all he can handle now. But he told me all about when he couldn't, and how it was when he was my age, and his WHOLE STORY! Wish I could have recorded it. So my point is, this all happened for a reason. You all are my GOD. You are God's to me. I just wanted to say thanks.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks. I see now that I am sick, and I need this medicine to live. Having so many other mothers come out of the wood work today wasn't just pure luck... having all of you here who care either. I have a lot of trials ahead of me. Lots to sort out emotionally. Things are still really really scary, but I DON'T WANT TO DRINK RIGHT NOW!!!! Hooray!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks. I see now that I am sick, and I need this medicine to live. Having so many other mothers come out of the wood work today wasn't just pure luck... having all of you here who care either. I have a lot of trials ahead of me. Lots to sort out emotionally. Things are still really really scary, but I DON'T WANT TO DRINK RIGHT NOW!!!! Hooray!
All we have is today, forget about the past and give time, time.
I bounced in and out for a few months, then I got a little serious and started making my 1 or 2 meetings a week and got 90 days, went somewhere I shouldn't have gone with someone I shouldn't have gone with on a Friday, figured I would drink through the weekend and get to a meeting on Monday. So Monday night Football Oct 1st 1984 I went to a bar to watch Pittsburg vs Cinci.
At this point nobody cares what the score was or who won the game, all I know is I ended up in the back of a police car and a detour to jail on my way home. I Went back to meetings and did what they told me to do. Someone said I would never have to drink again if I follow a few simple rules and begin this way of life. He spoke the truth.
Take care,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Love your shares, Tasha. They make me think, they remind me, they make me laugh, they make me cry. I used to come here quite a bit and then I drifted away, not from AA, just from this site. I've been sober a while now and I wish I knew half as much as my sponcees think I think I know. In the beginning I did everything wrong. If my sponsor told me to do something, I wouldn't do it. If he told me not to do something I did it to find out why I wasn't supposed to. Did I stumble? That's a very polite way to put it. I had 39 slips before I stopped. And it only took me 4 years to have them. There was a group in my town that had a Bernie Protocol. When they saw me coming they hid their desire chips.
What made me stop? I had to lose everything. There's a personal story in the BB - Window of Opportunity I think its called, where they describe a bottom as that point where the last thing you lost or the next thing you are about to lose is more important than booze. I took my last drink on December 1, 1997 and 4 days later, after hitch-hiking through a Canadian snowstorm, I knew I was dying, not so much from the booze but from the situation the booze had led me to. I was in Meductic, New Brunswick, standing outside a bar. i had a few bucks some good samaritan had given me. I started thinking about how a drink would make me feel better, how it would at least help me to fall asleep in a snowbank and maybe never wake up.
Down the road was a little church. I could hear the words of an oldtimer in my head. If you don't bend your knees, you'll bend your elbow. I felt like Bill W staring at the church directory the day he met Dr. Bob. I still don't why I chose the church but I did. I surrendered that day and I haven't had a drink since. My life now is like that fourth dimension the BB talks about. And anytime I think a drink will fix it, I just compare the last 24 hours of my drinking to the last 24 hours and the last 24 hours wins every time.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
That's great advise Bernie - thanks for sharing all of that! I was recording the music that I wrote for my children, so they could remember me after I was dead. I was sure I was going to die soon.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I don't need to write anything today - I just needed to re-read this. It's amazing reading it a month later... and realize how far in some ways I've come, and how - not so far - in others. Some of the things written here, I could not grasp last month, now as I read it, new things sink in. How lucky we are to have this forum!
That line "we are not saints" is hard for me to believe about you guys!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
