When I "came to" for the last time that cold December 2nd morning in 1984, after 25 years of total devastation to myself and all around me there was a strange sense of "finality" in my foggy mind. I was 6 months into my 3rd marriage and the insanity of continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results were overtaken by knowing what the results would be based on the evidence and I felt I had no control over the situation.You see even today I know that I dont have the strength at times to forgo CERTAIN temptations but I DO KNOW THAT MY GOD WILL STEP IN BETWEEN AND GIVE ME THAT OPPORTUNITY TO TURN AWAY FROM ACTING OUT AND MAKING AN UNWISE CHOICE . I was finally able to make an admission of emotional acceptance of utter defeat. NEVER HAD I REACHED THIS STAGE BEFORE!! I could stop for awhile, but couldn't stay stopped.I lived in despair and hopelessness and total denial that yes I was alcoholic! Unmanageability was very evident from the external(DWI'S,JAILS,DIVORCES,BLACKOUTS,LOSS OF JOBS,DT'S) but the internal was a little more fleeting to me(despair,low self esteem,total self centered,a physical,spirtual and mental breakdown)I didnt know how I was going to go forward but I knew that I would go on to the same ,jails ,institutions,deriliction or death or find a new way to live..I began to learn the tools of recovery ,through a sponsor ,program and fellowship and most of all the God of my understanding,a relationship not some dogmatic set of rules that had been drilled into me since iI was a child that left me fearful,guilt ridden and alloof.. I totally CAME TO BELIEVE" and went to work on my process ,a day at a time Instilling spiritual principles and replacing old attitudes and behaviors "being entirely ready for "GOD" (of my understanding )to remove In Gods process my character defects and shortcomings.I humbly am truly grateful that I have remained teachable and even on the days when im not working to my greatest capacity I am still working...It is true for me that when I am weak ,then I am truly strong in my Higher Powers grace and mercy.Just For Today, WE will instill a meaningful 3rd step in our lives and truly make decisions and allow the "care of" that Power to help us as we work toward our goal of being of maximum service to our God and others! Have a blessed and productive day!!!.....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I remember how much the sequential message in the terms "came"...."came to"....."came to believe" meant to me in early recovery when I was holding on solely by the thinning threads of my atheism. And then the thread snapped and wow--it was jump and the net will appear!! Thanks Mike-as always.
I love this post. Thanks for putting it out there, Mike. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
