The Big Book has a chapter called The Family Afterward. It's a chapter I dwelled on because it seemed like a lot of my family difficulties started *after* I got sober. But of course they were there all along, either I was blinded to them by my drinking or the family members kept them to themselves.
But recovery is a process not an event and even while we alcoholics are learning that hard fact, so must the family. The alcoholic isn't finished with recovery at some point and everything reverts to everybody's ideal concept of "normal". So I say the familing during, rather than afterward - because even if the alcoholic stays sober, the recovery process for all is ongoing.
I have had plenty of time to study in hindsight how my family unraveled and then re-connected in completely different ways over the course of my sobriety. My first year or so, my wife gave me some distant but cautious support. She approved of me not drinking, but was uncomfortable with me having all these new friends and influences (other than herself) on me. I don't know if she was afraid some of these new "friends" were female or not, but it wasn't much of a problem for me at least in the first year. The kids were probably more understanding than the wife, because they still had a relationship with their natural father - who was still drinking - and maybe could more easily see the difference in their newly sober stepdad. Even my alcoholic stepdaughter never put down my AA program or belittled me for needing it - my wife certainly did. Even so, the stepdaughter seemed to be the greatest source of stress and instability in our lives, and I certainly felt she would be the undoing of the marriage.
When the marriage ended rather abruptly, I was pretty much cut adrift, and one consolation the all the pain was that I could put my efforts into my own program and stop having to worry about other people, or try and get my wife to do Alanon, or my stepdaughter to get sober, etc. It was about 18 months into this relative isolation that stepdaughter re-entered my life, sober. In this new state of being, she found her mother to be as judgmental and condemning as I had, and I'm grateful I was there for her and vice versa. I remember she shared some stuff with me about things her mother had said, and I had to laugh because I thought I was the only one she treated that way.
And my stepdaughter has had to deal with her own daughter's issues, and I've found myself at a loss to really help my granddaughter (aka Drama Goddess) in any direct way. But I have found that her mom CAN help her, a lot, and I'm still there for her mom. We all have our own lives now, I've remarried and we don't get together that often, but I do still have some kind of subliminal way of knowing when she's hurting and I pick up the phone - since she tends to never call me no matter how bad things get... one small quirk she did inherit from her mother my X.
So as it does for us, it's an ongoing process for the family in recovery... even a generation down the road. I hope my granddaughter - who was practically raised in the rooms of AA - knows where she can come to when she is ready and willing and that the hand will always be there for her.
Thanks for sharing barisax, a number of us have been struggling with family acceptance and I for one really appreciate your wisdom. I've pretty much figured out that this is mostly a solo journey and that is why (I think) that it is so critical to connect with other alcoholics. Thanks again! Dolly
Thanks for sharing the story and your ESH, we never know who we are going to help or who is watching us. Sounds like you got a wonderful relationship with your daughter out of the deal.
I was single and 24 when I came into the rooms, my family was supportive and I did have plenty of time to work on myself. Dating for me was rocky during my first few years of recovery. In fact, in many ways I felt my sucess was better during my drinking days even with all the drama, lies, volitility etc.
I was thinking that because I was a better person, working, reliable, more emotionally stable etc, all women would be more attracted to me...WRONG. I now know that most of the time people who are sick (emotionally or whatever) and are not interested in getting better, want to be with other sick people in sick relationships.
I see it all the time in the younger guys I sponsor, they have a few months sober and have worked started working some of the steps. they are emotionally weak and haven't taken the time needed to work on themselves. They decide they want to sneak into a relationship. What do they attract? Other sick people. The games, drama and manipulation starts and we all know how the story ends.
I've seen people get sober and relationships end or get better.
Nothing in the promises about saving your family or marriage or that everyone is going to be happy about what we are doing with our lives, but the drunk always gets better and God always has a plan for us. If painstaking...
Fear of people will leave us We will know peace We will see how our experience can benefit others We will know a new freedom and happiness Not regret the past or wish to close the door on it Handle situations that used to baffle us God will do for us what we could not do for ourselves
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks for sharing barisax, a number of us have been struggling with family acceptance and I for one really appreciate your wisdom. I've pretty much figured out that this is mostly a solo journey and that is why (I think) that it is so critical to connect with other alcoholics. Thanks again! Dolly
In my early drinking days music used to speak to me. One song was Billy Joel's "My Life". One line says "but sooner or later you sleep in your own space, either way it's ok you wake up with yourself". Sleeping alone was not new for me, but I had been in a relationship for more than 10 years when my wife dumped me. I wanted to believe in the words to Billy's song but it took a long time to get there.
I went from having a handful of friends to having hundreds in that period of time, still feeling alone. There was a time when it was ok to wake up (sober) with myself. It took *9* years and something of a geographical cure. I didn't leave town, but I got out of that house full of ghosts.
Overall my family has been great and I don't really want to think what my relationships with them would be like today if I were still drinking (and still living). I've been through some health issues in the past 18 months that could have easily killed an active alcoholic.
Thanks for this share, it was very helpful for me today. My son left home today, his own choice, because of some of the rules that are in place in our home. It is now a home rather than a drinking sphere after two years of sobriety. He has moved in with what is remarkably reminiscent to my house in the past; a filthy drinking shack. I do not judge, and wish him well. He has his own choices to make. I honesty would not have thought of reading 'the family afterwards' in the big book but now as I prepare for bed, I am going to read it in bed. The last six months have been stressful. However I upped my meetings after a vulnerable period in January and took on service duties. I had plenty of wonderful AA members to ring this afternoon and could really talk it out. I know I am being supported and carried. I will get to a meeting tomorrow but once again, what a helpful share and one I needed to read tonight after a hard day with the family afterwards. By the way, my son's father could not have been more helpful and supportive. I found great respect in my heart for him at this difficult time. He showed restraint at the times where I had none. He was very dignified and it helped me see how parents who pull together can make a truly difficult situation easier.
