Hi Tasha welcome back. This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I took me several attempt over a couple years to "get it", don't feel discouraged, many of us had to start over. Glad that you're back.

Tasha, as I was told after my relapse, the "why" is because we're alcoholics-that's all. I know I was trying to figure out the angles, the triggers, causes, etc, etc. Making it way too complex, it just is what it is. I am happy your back, hope you get to a meeting soon! Great big hugs, dolly

When I first walked into AA in January 2011, I was hopeless and depressed and scared. I took to heart the 90 in 90, and actually did even more than that. I stayed sober, and my life began to improve. Then I started hearing the differences instead of the similarities. I have had a pretty good life, despite my drinking. I was still married, although we were hanging on by a thread (after 27 years), I had my family, my house, my car, a bank account. I didn't go to jail, I wasn't in an accident, etc. etc. etc. So could I really be an alcoholic? Then before I knew it, and without any real reason, I found myself back at day one. I had to do some real soul searching. I found that although in my head I knew I was an alcoholic, I had not conceded that with my heart. I thought I had found a higher power, and was giving things up, but in fact, I had not truly surrendered my will. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, to learn to trust in something I cannot touch or see. Life has a funny way of showing us the way sometimes. For me, about a week after I relapsed, my Dad had to have emergency open heart surgery 12hours away from me. I prayed like never before for a chance to see him before his surgery, as it could have very well been my last. As I was driving through the mountains in the dead of night, I had this urge to pull over to the side of the road and get out of my car. I turned off my lights, there were no other cars, only me. There were a million stars and there was me. And I asked with all my heart and soul for God to help me. I truly meant it, and from that point on, my world changed. My Dad made it through his surgery, and is doing well. I came home, got a sponsor, and started working the 12 steps of AA. I am learning who I am and beginning to like the person I am becoming. I am an alcoholic, and today, I am ok with that. AA has shown me that I have a choice as to how I deal with that fact. Today I choose sobriety. I ask for help in the morning to stay sober, and I give thanks at night for another 24hrs. I only live the 24hrs in front of me, and so far, for a little over 8 months, it is working. So many people kept telling me it takes what it takes, just don't stop trying. Keep trying Tasha, you are worth it. Welcome back. ((((Hugs)))) Peace.

I have relapsed a few times. The last one lasted several months. You did the right thing coming back!

Rob84 wrote:

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Hi Tasha,

We all just have one day, yesterday is a canceled check, tomorrow is a promisary note, all we have is today. Go to a meeting and do something for someone else.

Miss you here,

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 Lots of wisdom in this thread but I had to pull this out

 

Vixen stated do "90 in 90" and "pray to be relieved of the bondage of self"

 

I was relieved of the bondage of self by helping others, that whole praying for stuff didn't work for me, I had to get into action.

 

Now I kept coming back to this thread again and again and again, and I kept having the same thought, "when it's embarrassing to be a drunk again"....the best gift, well one of the best Gifts AA gave me was I got to be just a drunk, I got to be one of many, I didn't have to be special any more.... I got to be average.

 

I can't convey the freedom that gave me, and I am probably not going to be able to explain the concept, but I never have to be embarrassed about being "just a drunk" ever again.

 

ever.

 

We all run around thinking people look at us, or...like, how to explain, we have all this guilt, and fear and shame, and me being "just a drunk", one of many...it took away the embarrassment, which is really just self centered fear, which is really the bondage of self, so how did I get out of the bondage of self? I worked the steps with a sponsor and then with sponsees, I reached out to newer people then me and asked them how they were, and then I listened, and listening to someone else's fear, guilt, and shame made mine go away, and then I was able to explain I felt the same way, we would bond, and I would like...hug men and stuff.

 

I wasn't alone any more, and it wasn't all about me, and when it's not all about me it's literally impossible to feel guilt, fear, and shame, it's impossible to be embarrassed, and then I realized I was free from the bondage of self, which was what was making me drink in the first place.