Thanks for your honesty closer. Many of us regress and take a drink, they say relapse is a part of recovery and I had a ton of relapses, so i'm right there with you. 84 days without a drink is huge man, hell for many of us a couple days seemed impossible at times lol. Don't beat yourself up, just keep moving forward and continue to go to meetings, call your sponsor, and come here and share when you can or need to. Sobriety's not easy man, there are flurries of emotion that will make you want out of your skin at times, but it's necessary for recovery to work and go through it, drinking will eventually stop working and you'll be living an emotional hell that will break you. Closer, it's time to find and trust in a power greater than yourself, when you feel overwhelmed with emotion or frustration, you have to start turning it over to a power greater than yourself, Trust they will help you through the difficult times and they will, Your part of the job is to NOT DRINK! If you are having some bad mojo or something. you need to share about it with someone or someplace (here) before you drink not after we can't help you once you're drunk.
-- Edited by The Addiction Club on Wednesday 7th of March 2012 06:45:28 AM
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
Closer, I happened that way for me. 2 years of going to meetings and sobriety, interupted by a 8-10 nights of drinking. I never made it to 90 days, and I also never even attempted to do 90 meetings in 90 days. The first time that I did do a 90/90 I stayed sober and actually set on a course to of daily meetings for 3.5 years. If I had to miss a meeting (rare) I doubled up the day before and probably after. I was that determined to "make it" and well a couple decades later, it paid off big time. Early sobriety is like building a foundation for a skyscraper. Do it right and you'll have a strong building. Thanks for your honesty, it's a strong example for all of us.
Btw, AA ruins you drinking. You likely got very little relief from your drinking. It's just won't do it anymore for you. Like we say, "Nothing is worse than a head for of AA and a belly full of booze".
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 7th of March 2012 08:50:36 AM
Today wouldve been my 90 day anniversary of no alcohol. At day 85 I became too down about my situation and Ive given in to a few drinks. I havent gone to the place I was before but all Ive found is that alcohol doesn nothing but give you a FALSE high. We numb our minds and bodies and we feel all funny, but we also remember what reality is if weve been sober for some time... alcohol doesnt actually change anything. I guess If I wanted I could say "hey theres no rules in AA, Im still sober", but Im a person who tries to live truthfully at all times...and I guess Im at day 1 even if Im still feeling like Ive been sober for 90.
I began using AA properly in may 2011. Since then Ive drank very little but I set the clock back after each slip. I feel Ive regained a lot of sanity and Ive made some very smart changes in my life as far as my lifestlye. When I drank this time I sure got the funny feeling but it wasnt really what I thought it was when I was younger. When your drunk you feel like you can do things, it relaxes you, you enjoy certain things more but you also still see reality when youve been sober for some time, and alcohol doesnt actually change whats actually going on. Something I heard at a meeting was, "we were like addicts on dope" and all this is is a high we get which convinces us things are better..but its not really that way. I want to do a lot of things with my life and Ive sure as heck been through enough stuff in my life but Im gonna end this by saying I made it 85 days and I has a few drinks. Im setting the clock back and Im getting on the wagon again. I am at day 1.
Telling on yourself will continue to be a cornerstone of your sobriety. It's a skill and a lot of folks travel way farther into a relapse before they admit it. The disease of alcoholism wants you to be sneaky and hide the thoughts about it, and when you have a relapse. You diminish its power through honestly.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I did the same thing the first time I came into the rooms in 2010. Then in summer 2011 I was off and running till Feb 10th of this year. I agree that AA ruins your drinking. The seed was planted now water it and let it grow.
Ive got a question. Is it normal for an alcoholic to feel so incredibly terrible while theyre using the program and staying sober...it seems as soon as Ive gotten drunk Ive found Im saying "Im not an alcoholic" and Im calling off the entire thing and feeling normal again, its like Im "Over it" so quick I almost just want to stay here...but Im almost noticing as soon as Im drunk and Im running around feeling all high and mighty, I am the biggest scumbag on earth and Im the same thing as the people I find disgusting and dont want to spend any time with...How long of a wait is it until your feeling in control in a recovered state where your actually happy and "Normal" again...personally I feel amazing now that ive had some liquor and started the whole "Im not an Alcoholic" thing, but at the same time Im instantly noticing how big of a SICK person alcohol makes you and how fast, and what I really want is to feel as good as I feel with alcohol in me when Im sober and using recovery but it seems impossible. I dont want to be a drunk, gross, rude, sick minded, sick mouthed person, sitting around drinking and wasting my life, let alone the health issues....anyone can help it would be greatly appreciated. I want to recover, but I just dont wanna feel like a trainwreck anymore while im going through it.
-- Edited by Closer on Wednesday 7th of March 2012 07:57:46 PM
We've all been there at one time or another Closer, just like you. It's part of our diseased thinking, that's all. Sobering up may not seem so easy at first, but it will even out over time. So stick with it. The reason why recovery platforms like "AA" exist today is to help recovering alcoholics manage what's left of their lives after drinking. So stop beating yourself up and get back on the recovery train, okay. You survived this episode -thank God, and can now experience what other sober alcoholics have for years, and that is lasting sobriety. The only requirement for membership, of course, is a desire to stop drinking and you obviously qualify, so get back on track Closer and start the recovery process once again. There will always be a thorn in the our side everywhere we go - it's a constant dilemma that we alcoholics face every day- but we do have an advocate though and it's called "AA". So please start there...Welcome back.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 8th of March 2012 03:49:13 AM
Closer, this is all typical feelings/reactions to early sobriety. It takes time to build your sober identity. Right now you're still having a lot of alcoholic thinking. Over time it begins to be replaced by sober thinking, but this is preceded by action in recovery. Our mind is not our friend the first year. We have to buy time. Put your faith in the program, stay sober and hang on.
Thank you for your honesty and for helping me stay sober today. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I just dug out every piece of AA reading material I have. Im getting on the wagon again. Im gonna trust in my higher power again. It just seems like a long haul but im sure theres a better life than booze and filth. anything good you have to work for anyway.
Closer, after my relapse, I was told to get back up on that horse! It's hard to feel good in early sobriety I think, because you are bombarded by all the feelings and memories that have been sitting and waiting for you to not be numb! I know you've been feeling kind of cruddy about your family, if your not one of them, who are you? My dear family is the same, I love them so much but now I feel like I have nothing in common with them, but sobriety has got to come first. But the great thing is, now you know what to do-turn it over to your hp, go to a meeting, call your sponsor and get back to the steps! Much easier than when you didn't have a clue, right? Read and reread dean's post-there's hope for us but we have to stay sober! Hang in there buddy! Dolly
Just got home from a meeting, real nice one didnt know it existed near me, dark room with candles, friendly people, I read how it works for everyone, took home some reading material. think i might go back another time soon.
How long of a wait is it until your feeling in control in a recovered state where your actually happy and "Normal" again...personally I feel amazing now that ive had some liquor and started the whole "Im not an Alcoholic" thing, but at the same time Im instantly noticing how big of a SICK person alcohol makes you and how fast, and what I really want is to feel as good as I feel with alcohol in me when Im sober and using recovery but it seems impossible. I dont want to be a drunk, gross, rude, sick minded, sick mouthed person, sitting around drinking and wasting my life, let alone the health issues....anyone can help it would be greatly appreciated. I want to recover, but I just dont wanna feel like a trainwreck anymore while im going through it.
-- Edited by Closer on Wednesday 7th of March 2012 07:57:46 PM
Hi Closer,
Good that you're back on track. When will we feel in "control" in recovery?
How long till you feel better in sobriety?
The key to feeling in control in sobriety is to give up control to a power greater than yourself, when I stoped trying to run the show and was working to get into God's will, things started working and getting easier because I knew I had a design for living and a program of action that was working for me and had also worked for many others. My way didn't work, had to quit playing my own God otherwise I had a insane alkie as a higher power... doomed to fail.
We must take the 1st step and admit to our innermost selves that we are alcoholic, otherwise we can't work the rest of the steps and we can't get better.
If we don't stay in gratitude, unselfishness, honesty and humility we can all do a good job in selling the 1st drink to ourselves and the four horsemen soon arrive.
Surely by the time you have worked through the 9th step, you will feel much better and the promises will begin to come true, the problem will be removed provided we maintain a positive spiritual condition.
Meetings, sponsor, steps. I hate to sound like a thumping AA preacher but I just haven't seen anything else that works for long term recovery. I can show you a lot of people living great lives in recovery and I show you a lot of tumbstones also, but no middle of the road solutions.
Good news if you pray for willingness and take the right path.
Hope this can Help.
Take care, Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Aloha Closer you're doing what I've come to recognize as the "hand to hand" combat with your Higher Power...alcohol. You're trying to find another and you leave alcohol for a while and it wants you back. You're familiar with it and it is familiar you. Lovers no good for each other. Alcoholism is our cunning, powerful and baffling disease. You're doing the bafflings...the questions that don't seem to have right answers. I came to understand that alcohol was killing me and others around me and I stopped drinking and in the face of that my family and friends rushed to my side with "you're not an alcoholic" statements and then Iknew I was and so I went on and followed the suggestions from others on how to live my life alcohol free. When I "got away from everything alcohol" as suggested by my early sponsor I got closer to those who knew and knew that they knew what the problem was and I came to understand and the why questions went away. I accept that I am alcoholic and am aware now what that means to me on how I am to live my life. That is what I do instead of second guessing myself and the disease. Alcohol isn't my Higher Power any longer and truthfully isn't even in the top 50 of higher powers in my life today.
I have no justifications to drink now and I don't. There is absolutely nothing in my life that can be made better which will result in more happiness for me that has to do with drinking alcohol.
Along the way on this sober journey I have learned and still retain many many truths about this disease one only being "Alcoholism can never be cured...it can only be arrested by total abstinence". I'm into the arrested phase and wish to stay in it more than I want a drink or what a drink does to my mind, body, spirit and emotions.
Closer - It was a rough first year for me. Do you see the number of posts I have on this board? I laid myself out, sought help from others and did not expect to be "better" until God or whatever HP I believed in deemed it appropriate.
I did not feel comfortable as a "sober person" until about 1 year sober. Was is worth the wait, the gazillion posts here, the spilling my guts, the meetings, the stepwork, getting a sponsor - Hell yeah!
It seems like a huge proposition and a huge commitment, but the scales keep tipping towards sobriety for you. Progress full force and don't look back! Reach out to AA in the form of meetings, sponsor, steps, come here and post - but DO NOT let alcohol be the solution to the protracted period in which you will not feel comfortable in your own skin. That is going to last several months to a year and there is no way around it. I can tell you that it is a million times better to just do the work and move through it rather than shooting yourself in the foot and having to start all over again.
You are in my prayers,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Closer, you remind me of me, when I would drink and go to AA...the more I went to AA, the longer I stayed sober...My higher power took all my money and I couldn't hit the bars...buy my fair weathered friends drinks. so, when the money went so did they...humilty is one thing.. been there done that.
Being humiliated, we have all been there....Humbly I asked him to remove my shortcomings....
He removeed that and more,,,,I have 1 year and 2 months...hit your Knees and seek first the kingdom of God and everything....everything will be added unto you.....
God is all around you and with you....the promises come ture....be willing to take action and that bag of shit you being carrying around,,is starting to stink....get rid of that shit and you wont smell so bad and see what happens....Your a breathe of fresh air
Ive got a question. Is it normal for an alcoholic to feel so incredibly terrible while theyre using the program and staying sober...it seems as soon as Ive gotten drunk Ive found Im saying "Im not an alcoholic" and Im calling off the entire thing and feeling normal again, its like Im "Over it" so quick I almost just want to stay here...but Im almost noticing as soon as Im drunk and Im running around feeling all high and mighty, I am the biggest scumbag on earth and Im the same thing as the people I find disgusting and dont want to spend any time with...How long of a wait is it until your feeling in control in a recovered state where your actually happy and "Normal" again...personally I feel amazing now that ive had some liquor and started the whole "Im not an Alcoholic" thing, but at the same time Im instantly noticing how big of a SICK person alcohol makes you and how fast, and what I really want is to feel as good as I feel with alcohol in me when Im sober and using recovery but it seems impossible. I dont want to be a drunk, gross, rude, sick minded, sick mouthed person, sitting around drinking and wasting my life, let alone the health issues....anyone can help it would be greatly appreciated. I want to recover, but I just dont wanna feel like a trainwreck anymore while im going through it.
-- Edited by Closer on Wednesday 7th of March 2012 07:57:46 PM
A wise man once told me that this disease will do anything it can to take you away from whatever can help you get better. And it will. It will tell you whatever it thinks you need to hear to pick up a drink. Then after it has done that and thing have gone off the rails (again!) it will offer to comfort you.
It's a dirty liar this thing of ours. It's an enemy that will only hurt us no matter what promises it makes to the contrary.
That's what I keep at the front of my mind at all times. I have to remember how badly it hurt me and how sick I was when I got into AA. Then I look at how good my life is when it isn't a part of it. Then I pray. If I do that I get another 24 hours break from the hell it wants me to live in.
