Its me again, with another post about my life. Im really finding this program to be of great help...I am finding ways to live a much better lifestyle, Im living healthier, Im understanding things a LOT better...but Im also noticing things that really bring me down. Im not sure what my higher power is and Im unsettled there...I have also found that after Ive begun using this program for the last year or so Ive noticed how terrible of a disease alcoholism is...Im seeing how it affects peoples lives, and I have a family, a father 2000 miles away, an uncle nearby, a sister and her boyriend, lots of other relatives, and pretty much my entire family except a couple people who are all alcoholics. My entire family is affected by alcoholism and they are the classic scenario of eat, drink, swear and drink some more...they arent happy...we all seem to hate eachother...and it gets worse each year...I have certain relatives who are drinking 3 60 pounders a week, with HORRIBLE problems over the years, I hear people talking in such ugly ways it just makes me sick...a lot of us dont even talk to eachother, and ever since Ive been using this program a number of my family members have turned theyre nose up on me and taken some offence that Im helping myself saying "Oh I must be an Alc too!!" and honestly THEY ARE, but I cant tell them that...Since Ive gotten sober Ive almost felt like a kid at school. Were all people, we can all sit together and talk no matter the age, race, religion or whatever, and theres a whole wonderful world we can do things in, but it seems that the majority of the planet, think everything is weird and stupid besides alcohol, fighting, eating and being sick people. I dont know what to do. I have this family that is in tatters, we all live in different areas, we dont really talk, its all alcohol, its a big F-ing alcoholic mess is what it is and its just UGLY if I had to describe it. Im finding that Im doing a real good job of helping myself, Im getting my head on right, Im feeling sane, Im getting through the family grudges, Im taking care of myself but Im left with this family in the background that are just?? SICK.
I want to move on and leave it all behind, I want to go live a healthy happy life with as much good as I can but Ive got this alcoholic family in the background which is like a cancer eating at the heart of myself and i cant do anything about it, If i phoned any of them it would just be a sick little talk, and I dont even want to see them even though I do if you can understand. All Im wanting is to be happy again the way I was years ago and move on. But turning on family is not easy, and living with family who are sick is even harder. What do I do??
And as far the higher power thing Ive decided that I am no longer relying on a supernatural force to help me through the junk. my higher power is simply people who have been in my position before me, found theyre way out and have better advice and wisdom than I can understand, -other alcoholics.
-- Edited by Closer on Monday 5th of March 2012 11:12:21 PM
Closer, I can't tell you what your higher power is but I can tell you what it isn't - you. I had similar stuff mith my family like many others and one of the hardest lessons is to accept that that is the way they are, and there is not a dang thing we can do about it. As far as other people's alcoholism goes we are ust as powerless as we are over our own disease. I sympathise man, especially when you have found the answer and no one in your family seems to want it. Logic says they should be beating the door down to get some of what you're getting, but it just doesn't seem to work that way. You can bet some of them are watching you though, and, it might take quite a while, but if you keep on your path, going to meetings and working the steps to the best of your ability, some of them might catch on. All you can do is pray for them in the meantime. Priority is another word that comes to mind. I had the same sort of family and friends you talk about. I tried to help some but I could not. In the end I had to realise that my number 1 priority was to stay sober and I had made a committment to myself to go to any lengths to do that. That meant I could not let anyone or anything get in the way of the things I needed to do to achieve sobriety. I didn't have the strength to stay in that battle, it was getting between me and my sobriety so I had to detach. I couldn't be around certain people, mainly drinking alcoholics, so I accepted that and changed my living circumstances so I wouldn't have to. Setting boundaries I think is the modern term but for me it meant if any of my old buddies wanted to see me, they had to be sober, if they stayed in my flat - no booze or drugs. My sobriety, and yours, is far too valuable to have it stolen by those still suffering.
I can't add to much to what Mike said. Looks like you are focusing mostly on what you can change, which is you. The things we struggle with especially early in recovery is where the growth really takes place.
As far as higher power, just keep doing the mechanics of prayer and the steps. I'm not going to tell you what your higer power should be, the spirit of the group is fine and individual humans are fallable.
I was close to my brother, (1 year younger) for a lot of years until I got sober. I never brought up his drinking, but 23 years later he was ready and I was able to help. We will see how our experiences can benefit others. Stay sober and our turn will come, never fails.
Take Care,
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Aloha Closer...and that pretty well describes the stepping away and out of it process we do in recovery. You pretty well described my family of orgin which is in some areas starting to change for the better. One of my nephews has over 90 days again and is doing service...his father my brother, well what can I say?
You said; "Im finding that Im doing a real good job of helping myself, Im getting my head on right, Im feeling sane, Im getting through the family grudges, Im taking care of myself but Im left with this family in the background that are just?? SICK." and so you're doing your recovery and not theirs...that is how it works and if you look over your shoulder at them to see how they are doing and they seem to be getting sicker...that proves our disease is progressive and your's is in remission for today.
Keep coming back and keep practicing what you're doing now. Finding a substitute Higher Power for alcohol takes time and work...keep at it. I was fortunate that when I was ready to totally "abandon myself to God as I understood God" God was right behind me. I stopped running and God gently bumped into me and stayed. I'm never alone now even when there is no one else around me....God is.
