poisonous people!

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

poisonous people!

Closer · Senior Member

ID hate to complain on this board, as were all trying to live better happier lives, but Im wondering if anyone elses life is poisoned by the same problem I have for so many years ive gone nuts. Is it just me or is it every time you start feeling good, getting positive and shaking off the crap there is someone who has to start screwing you down to theyre level which cant get any lower. its almost like an unwritten rule of life, you start smiling and getting going and all of the sudden your sitting near a lake on a sunny day, you love it, your having a day out with your family or whatever -and BAM, some guy is coming across the park saying "Hey -you cant sit here, theres rules and regulations, cant eat here" He doesnt work there either. hes just some??? I dont know. I could give 5 million other examples of this, from being at work, or out at a house for a dinner, and someone is there with such an ugly attitude, everyone starts putting there heads in there hands and going home...etc, its like a virus that has me doing it right now, and ill shake it off AGAIN and then someone will be doing there job of sliming me down to the Sh1t place again. Apparently everything in life sucks, Everyone is crap, the world is crap and im gonna rant and rave about it and tell you how to live until you wanna go home and bury your face in bed -Does anyone else have this experience, does it happen the second you step outside on a sunny day, everythings wonderful, your on your way and then -"Excuse me, are you the guy who works at...Did you know your not allowed to do....nidgidfngjidndfigndfi" Excuse my whining but ive lost it.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Kinda sorta relate here...last time I entered this room I was on my way to get a "rain" hat to keep my head dry (wife's concern) as I work outside and this is Hawaii and it does rain so you get the picture. See if you can get this part...on the way to the surplus store I get stopped by a cop because I have license plates issued by another legal govenment and as the process goes along I get physically assaulted as does my truck and battered, rain wet all over, run thru a bogus arrest where 5 charges get reduced to three and then to two, I get to go to the emergency hospital cause I'm less than at the moment, then put, still wet, into an air conditioned cell for the night with the light left on and with my spouse at home frightened and no doubt looking for a what to additionally maim me before divorcing me and then the legal procession from 11/8 up till this afternoon 2/29 where they will dismiss all charges if I go with no trial and cop out to being a public nuisance. Is this kinda sorta what you're talking about? I get told the key is (which it really isn't) that I cop to "public nuisance" and I ask what the state's/court definition is just so that there are no hidden clues and guess what? My feelings get hurt cause my ego is on the altar and I can't decide whether to laugh out loud, flip the bench off, do a speech or what. My lawyer has done I guess a very good job and I make him a bit nervous by asking questions of the bench. Is this still part of the picture? I'm home, had a good meal with my spouse, went to a great meeting am gratefully recommitting to my HP and our relationship and am planning on getting some sleep. When I wake up its another day and I can't tell how that's gonna come out except the working the program part. I am gonna stay on that.

"...And I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems"....Thank you Doc. Paul. (pg 449 of the 3rd Edition).

Keep coming back somedays its only a public nuisance. smile

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Hi Closer,

Yes we have all had similar experiences and we all live in the same world with the same people. The good news is you are working through some pretty typical things. The longer we stay sober and the further we progress in the steps, the less impact these people and situatiuons will have. When they realize their misery has no impact on us they will stop trying to make us miserable.

The steps teach us that they can only impact us if we decide to let them. We can't change the world, so what can we do? We can change ourselves and our reactions to the world and it's people and situations. Rule 62, don't take ourselves so seriously, get out of self and into God. Pretty much pages 58-69 deal with the topic that you brought up, and the issue of resentments in the #1 killer of alcoholics.

You are at a point in sobriety where the emotions are coming back and we are "white knuckling" through some situations. Hopefully you can get with your sponsor talk about some of these things and get into the solution.

I hope this can help.

Rob

Closer · Senior Member

Thanks for these answers. Sometimes the worst thing is feeling all alone when your hurt and sick...even if theres lots of good people around.

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

Yeah, ppl have a tendency to piss me off , and ya just wanna slap em' and say , grow up or get a life for Gods sake!

Tolerance, love and patience comes with time and practice of the AA program. Or at least it has for me.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Closer, yes - I have had that experience, but you get better at working your way around those types the longer you are sober. If you can imagine the nasty people are like flags on a ski slolom course and you are just getting faster and more adept at skiing around them and skills faster and more gracefully. Soon you barely are phased by the flags...

Of course this is just the ideal but you get my drift right?

Tasha · Senior Member

Days can be rough, I suppose our attitude is everything. I need to work on myself in that way. Today some one cut me off on the road and nearly ran me off the road. Never looked back to see if everything was okay. I had a van full of kids that could have been injured, yet my first thought was gratitude that nothing worse happened, and normally I would just be pissed and cursing under my breath. My attitude was everything, and I have AA to thank for that. Thank you for sharing.

The Addiction Club · Senior Member

Well said Dean, couldn't agree more. On the flip side of what Dean said Closer is that not everyone is going to be excited that we're happy, some of us have done enormous amounts of emotional and financial damage to Friends, Family, Spouses, and children. They often resent the fact that we walk around newly changed with with an appearance of total happiness while they sit there holding baggage from the damage we have caused. Just try to understand the places we left alot of people rather than expecting them to understand us, MOST will come around. Don't get upset about strangers enforcing the law or regulations right now,most of the times it's the embarassment that comes with being confronted about it, especially if we don't know about the rule and they make a small scene. if you're breaking a rule stop breaking the rule lol... Save that energy for the real battles you'll face in recovery, you'll need it. Your transformation has been cool to watch, and if you keep sharing about the things that are bothering you when they bother you, your chances are above average in staying sober. There are no stupid questions in this thing, but you may get some answers that may seem stupid to you lol. One day you'll be dishing out the same stupid answers to your newcomers haha. Don't Drink today!

-- Edited by The Addiction Club on Friday 2nd of March 2012 09:19:44 AM

-- Edited by The Addiction Club on Friday 2nd of March 2012 09:22:31 AM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Closer, we all have those experiences from time to time. But it's good to take into account a few things. When we get sober our sensitivity to negative feedback goes way up. We tend to get cynical, and when we hear ourselves say "every stinking time...someone blah blah blah to Me!" it should be a signal that our serenity level needs enhancement lol. There is no doubt that our group tends to be neurotic (doesn't like authority, rules, regulations, punitive measures...) hell I fully expect every traffic light to be green when my car arrives to the intersection.

All that **** is going to happen, because if should happen, because it Did happen. **** is going to happen to me today and I swear the ****birds are circling trying to poop on my head. But it's how we deal with this stuff that decides whether we're going to have a good day or a bad one. We are in control (or should be) of our feelings and We decide what our emotional reaction, to any certain event (certain that it Will happen). People don't piss us off We do. With that said, once we decide to Own our feelings, it's very empowering and we remove the power from those others (most whom quite honestly don't want any part of that power lol). Try greeting one of thes ****birds with "no problem brother/sister, have a wonderful day, and a big **** eating smile.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Great point Marc. "You gotta pick your battles". We only have so much emotional energy (good and bad). When we waste energy feeling or acting negative, guess what? We won't have that energy to feel good, serene, happy, joyous, and free. Conserve emotional energy just like expensive fuel (it's the most expensive), even it we're just toning down a WTF! to a "whaterver". yawn

LinBabaAgo-go · Senior Member

[ Original story, by David J. Pollay ]

Sixteen years ago I learned an important life lesson, in the back of a New York City taxi cab.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded,
and missed the other car by mere inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was actually friendly!

So, I asked him, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and could've sent us to the hospital!"

And this is when my taxi driver told me about what I now call, "The Law of Garbage Trucks."

"Many people are like Garbage Trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it, and if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. Instead, just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happier because you did."

Wow. That really got me thinking about how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? AND, how often do I then take their garbage and spread it onto other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I resolved, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

Since then, I have started to see Garbage Trucks everywhere. Just as the kid in the Sixth Sense movie said, "I see dead people," I can now say, "I see Garbage Trucks." :)

I see the load they're carrying ... I see them coming to drop it off. And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

LinBabaAgo-go · Senior Member

Bill W talks about since our relationships with other people are what seem to give us the greatest problems, it would behoove us to spend some time looking at that, that no area of study can be more richly rewarding, and that, frankly is what I have done the most "work" on over the last 20 years, learning "what is my part?", taking the quote "people hurt us, seemingly without provocation but we invariably find we have made a decision based on self that placed us in a position to be hurt", to learning the spiritual axiom is "If I am upset there is something wrong with me"

There are a -ton- of great books on the subject, personally I found doing a -thorough- trip through the steps with a competent, and I mean -competent- sponsor (who knows what a 5th step means when it says we talk about the exact nature of our wrongs, who knows how to look for the decisions we made based on self to put us in a position to be hurt) provided an indispensable foundation to build on.

The short answer is "Yes, there are negative people out there who spew their hate and bile and unhappiness on anyone who gets close enough" but for me the answer is just walk away, at one point in my sobriety I decided I needed to try to learn how to interact with these people while keeping my core values and happiness, I felt like I was living as an emotional isolationist by only allowing healthy happy people in my life and I lost the skills to deal with such unhappy people. What I learned was "hurt people hurt people" and that I was a bit like the character "Zelig" from a Woody Allen movie, in that he takes the characteristics of those around him, when I surrounded myself with sick, unhappy, people, I got sick and unhappy, I became a garbage truck.

I was working a construction job once with a crew and one of them was kind of an A-hole, I didn't have to work closely with him but another young man did, and he finally quit saying "F-You, I would rather work at a Burger King then work with you!!!" and he walked off a great job with great pay to an uncertain future...that was almost 25 years ago and it made a profound impact on me, it taught me I can walk away from any situation I want, that fear, fear of economic insecurity, fear of emotional abandonment, fear of confrontation, just...fear was not a good enough reason to stay around and be subject to abuse, because people who abuse, belittle, and hurt others think their behavior is justified, they think the other person (us) deserves to be abused, it's like they have a God Complex, when in fact the only reason someone tears another person down is to build themselves up, they are an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.

Hurt people, hurt people, and they say hurtful things. All I can do is whisper a silent prayer for them and wish them well with all my love as I walk away, God Bless them, and I truly mean that, but God bless them as far away from me as possible.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Andrew, that garbage truck story is awesome!

LinBabaAgo-go · Senior Member

Closer wrote:
Thanks for all the replies...I understand all this,, it just happens over and over...

No I get it, there are people out there who absolutely -hate- to see someone else having a good time, I remember dealing with this and how much it bothered me, but I learned what other people think of me is none of my business and those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

Garbage Trucks are alive and well, and to mix a metaphor here, get busy living or get busy dying, the choice is yours.

-- Edited by LinBabaAgo-go on Friday 2nd of March 2012 09:57:00 PM

Closer · Senior Member

Thanks for all the replies...I understand all this,, it just happens over and over... smile smile smile

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

LinBabaAgo-go wrote:
when I surrounded myself with sick, unhappy, people, I got sick and unhappy, I became a garbage truck.

There's a lot to be said for sticking with the winners.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Fyne Spirit wrote:
LinBabaAgo-go wrote:
when I surrounded myself with sick, unhappy, people, I got sick and unhappy, I became a garbage truck.

There's a lot to be said for sticking with the winners.

Generally, we're only going to attract people that are about as heathy as we are. Alcoholics are going to be surrounded by sick and uhappy people. It is a challenge to change our old friends and avoid toxic family members for awhile.

barisax · Senior Member

LinBabaAgo-go wrote:
I was working a construction job once with a crew and one of them was kind of an A-hole, I didn't have to work closely with him but another young man did, and he finally quit saying "F-You, I would rather work at a Burger King then work with you!!!" and he walked off a great job with great pay to an uncertain future...

I did this three times with the same employer. Once with owner #1, with whom I helped found the company, then I came back, and then I quit again when the business was in the process of being sold, came back and worked for the new owner #2, left again, got another unrelated job, started my own business for the third time and after making a go of it, I went back to work for owner #1 and I'm still there today.

It's also kind of fascinating that my current salary is more than 9x what he paid me when I first went to work for him 32 years ago and it was a move UP at the time.. LOL. Back then, it was all about ego and control and prestige and being the best in the world at what I do, and of course - like Dr. Paul - being famous and admired. Now I just do it for the money.... I leave the job at work to the extent that on Monday morning, I have to look at my notes and emails just to remember what I was doing when I left Friday.

It's not that I don't like my job, it's actually a great job and 99.8% of the time I'm left alone to do it. But my job isn't me, and I no longer care what other people in my profession think of me. I know what I think of most of them, and mostly keep it to myself...

Barisax

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

I leave the job at work to the extent that on Monday morning, I have to look at my notes and emails just to remember what I was doing when I left Friday.

___________________________________________________

that's just old age setting in.

zzworldontheweb · Senior Member

I was reading a test for alcoholism once, and in addition to asking all the normal questions about how much you drink and when, it also asked,

"Are more people treating you unfairly lately for no reason at all"?

The point being that we alcoholics tend to be petulant and will PERCEIVE that we're being treated unfairly when actually we're not being treated differently than anybody else.

That is not to say that you won't run in to a few people who are truly behaving in a bizarrely unreasonable manner, either because of mental illness or just because they've had a bad day. But these tend to be aberrations, and few and far between. By and large, treating people well yourself will result in your experiencing better treatment.

barisax · Senior Member

StPeteDean wrote:
that's just old age setting in.

Hey I'll take the blessing no matter the cause. Being able to sleep without work crap running through my head is a really nice thing.

LOL... I remember one night going out with the boss in the bad old days. He would pump you full of drinks, then before going home he'd buy one or two rounds of amaretto coffee. As if that would wake me up for the drive home. I remember several times laying in bed wide awake drunk with nothing but business crap going through my head.... no, I don't miss those days. I don't even miss thinking I was hot shit, which I did then. It was exciting in a way, but also ridiculously stressful... having to maintain hot shit status is really a full time job.

Barisax

barisax · Senior Member

zzworldontheweb wrote:

"Are more people treating you unfairly lately for no reason at all"?

Usually now when someone is being a dick, I pretty much just assume they're just a dick and that they didn't just become one on my account.

Barisax