been there, done that, right at 3 years actually, the funny thing as I was approaching four years, I think it was Thanksgiving or Christmas I was trying to think of some Bah Humbug cranky stuff to write on my Facebook wall I started thinking, hmmm, my financial stuff finally has come together, my living situation was great, I -loved- my house, my love life had gotten -really- nice and drama and pain free, I had scored some great new projects, done some sculpting, scored a 1972 Mercedes Convertible that was broken down, repaired it and started driving it around and restoring it, got a -really- nice Jeep, my outsides were good, my insides were good, and instead of writing the viciously humorous post knocking whatever Holiday it was I posted some puerile happy granola sounding gratitude crap that sounded like I was Miss America runner up. (picture me sticking my finger down my throat about now making a gagging sound)
It was very strange.
I was........it took me some time to identify what I was actually.
Happy.
Don't drink and don't die and it will get different, I promise, change is the only constant.
-- Edited by LinBabaAgo-go on Monday 27th of February 2012 02:20:59 AM
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
In more of a bah humbug mood. 6 months ago i lost my medical. 2 months ago i weaned myself off the anti depressants. now i`m as depressed as ever if not worse. barely squeaking by financially as i have been ever since the dui that ended my career as a bus driver. sick of aa meetings. sick of my home group. sick of sponsors. sick of 12 steps. sick of god talk. sick of service work. sick of being sober. sick of cheerful people. sick of everything. stuck in miserable existence. oh ya sick of advice too.
At 3 years sober, I reunited with my screwed up family in Virginia (I moved from my home in Texas to do this), stayed with my sister, ended up asking my dad to take me to a interview to get into a Oxford House, and was so depressed that within a short period of time I was on the phone with the mental health community crying my guts out to anyone that would listen trying to get some help. I didn't have any motivation, ambition, enthusism. I didn't want to go to meetings, I didn't want to do any sponsor stuff, I didn't want to do much of anything but hide in my half way house room. I felt like I was flat lining mentally and emotionally. I was in so much pain over what I found to be my family dynamics, the job situation, the housing, the whole picture that I knew I was in serious trouble.
I was reading Melony Beaties, "Language of Letting Go" daily meditation for CoDa's one morning and took this writing to heart...
Surviving Slumps
A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can't sort out. We may not understand what is going on with us. Even our attempts to practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don't feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as good as we would like.
In a slump, we may find ourselves reverting instinctively to old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better. We may find ourselves obsessing, even when we know that what we're doing is obsessing and that it doesn't work.
We may find ourselves looking frantically for other people to make us feel better, the whole time knowing our happiness and well being does not lay with others.
We may begin taking things personally that are not our issues, and reacting in ways we've learned all to well do not work.
We're in a slump. It won't last forever. These periods are normal, even necessary. These are the days to get through. These are the days to focus on recovery behaviors, whether or not the rewards occur immediately. These are sometimes the days to let ourselves be and love ourselves as much as we can.
We don't have to be ashamed, no matter how long we've been recovering. We don't have to unreasonably expect "more" from ourselves. We don't ever have to expect ourselves to live life perfectly.
Get through the slump. It will end. Sometimes, a slump can go on for days and then, in the course of an hour, we see ourselves pull out of it and feel better. Sometimes it can last a little longer.
Practice one recovery behavior in one small area, and begin to climb uphill. Soon, the slump will disappear. We can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today.
Today, I will focus on practicing one recovery behavior on one of my issues, trusting that this practice will move me forward. I will remember that acceptance, gratitude, and detachment are a good place to begin.
I didn't drink and I didn't die, and things got different, and when I learned how to live inside the frame work of the different, I got better. Amazingly, when I got better, while nothing outside of me changed very much, but everything else got a little better too.
I've been there too squirrel. I was around 4 years sober living in L.A. With a co dependant roommate and in a relationship that I wanted to work but knew it wouldn't. Mine lasted about 7 months and I damn near relapsed. It seemed like no matter how many good people I was around, or how many blessings I encountered, I just couldn't get grateful about or feel good about anything. Thank God for A.A. People who knew Me recognized some of my old patterns and recommended I fly home to Maryland and get around familiar people, places, and things. They knew what I needed and I followed their advice. I didn't get drunk but it's the closest I've come to relapsing in this last round of sobriety. I know the despair and darkness of loneliness in recovery, and even as you speak of your temporary loss of wholeness, I somehow know that you'll be ok. Pray if you do squirrel, it is times like these that we need Faith. Thank you for your honesty today, you gave me a harsh reminder that the only way out of our personal hell is to help others out of theirs. Today you helped me, and for that I am grateful
-- Edited by The Addiction Club on Monday 27th of February 2012 02:08:03 PM
-- Edited by The Addiction Club on Tuesday 28th of February 2012 12:37:13 AM
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
I like and am grateful for the post and relate entirely at 33 years sober. That I am not alone and have sober support is gratifying. No I will not drink I don't want or need things to be worse and it never was a solution anyway. I will be patient and resist making this worse. I've got things to do and will do them even while feeling "much less than" and I will be patient while God designs solutions for me. I don't have a solution better than that.
Mahalo for the honest open trusting share. Don't know if I would have taken the lead on it. ((((hugs))))
Thank you for your honesty FS. I see some humility in your post. We must remain humble in order to survive and except the love of our Higher Power. I've been in your shoes. Sometimes it was hard to continue moving my feet foward, but eventually the darkness turned into light. It's hard to see sometimes when your caught in the pile of sh*t, but everything in life is temporary.
After I read your post, I went to my AA meeting. A lady there just balled her eyes out that she was sick of everything, and sick of talking about herself! She too was 3 yrs sober. I thought to myself, wow, what a pathetic lady. It was all so confusing and discouraging to me. The great thing about this board is after you pour your heart out as you've done here... people respond to it, and that doesn't happen at a meeting. I have come full circle after reading the posts/replies on here about being open and honest, and how important it is. I have such a hard time doing that, especially in a meeting. I'm so nervous to say anything, and most of the time I pass. If I do choke through something, it's scrambled and nothing like what I wanted to actually get across. This is not only a great place to practice, but also a place to get feed back on those raw emotions. I see now that the lady in the meeting, and you, have something I am craving so badly... Openness and HONESTY, and 3 years of sobriety!!!!!! Congrats on that! You have taught me so much tonight. Thanks!
Congrats on the 3 years. I also have been in the state like others here. Not much I can add, I know it is difficult to motivate in that state. If you think you need to be on the anti -depressants and money is the issue, maybe there is a lower cost subsitute you can try or sometimes the Pharm companies have programs for those who can pay full cost. Or maybe generics out of Canada?
Just trying to help.
Take Care, Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I'm glad you are still sober. Of course we give suggestions cuz that's AA for ya... For me - I can't go off antidepressants...that is not an option and I've tried it several times. It's very similar to a substance abuse relapse (odd that not taking pills is like a relapse) but it does incapacitate me. If you stop caring about everything...you stop caring about yourself. Please don't let that happen.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Sometimes(keep it on me here) we just are like Gekko's ,we need to shed our skin! As long as we dont pick up,we wont get high and our chances of getting back to that "fit spiritual condition" the real crux of what powers the engine are increased oh so many fold. Congrats on 3 years of FREEDOM..WE HAVE TASTED WHAT IT "USED TO BE LIKE" or in many cases ,including my own,ate the whole meal,so when I am feeling "complacent,tired of it all,mad cause I can't ,or just like you ,I reach out to help someone and that always helps me, that spiritual awakening that has taken the focus off myself and placed God first(and myself or others next(my Higher Powers choice of the order)It may sound trite but based on the evidence,using the tools and reliance on that Power "this too shall pass."....Peace man......
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks for all the responses... I have decided that getting off the antidepressants was probably an ego trip and based on the way my mood has been affecting others, i should get back on them - if not for my own sake then for the sake of those around me. There are programs that help low income people get medication so I`ll have to investigate.
Glad to read your post above. I am one who has tried to do without specified meds for specified conditions (my practitioners are astute in both alcoholism and mental health issues and I hold nothing back in my health care). Anyway, as much as I wanted to be med-free, it just didn't work-and almost killed me in the process-so back to humbleness and gratitude that what I need-like it or not--is something I can have and live with, and stay sober. By the way, the doc "should" have his or her staff put some energy into helping you get the low income meds-there are a lot of programs for them but the hoops must be jumped through and the doc can make that easier (some are too ignorant or too lazy, IMHO-but the good ones care enough to take the time.
