I've been hearing over and over that alcoholism is progressive and can kill you. Just like when I get into a car, I don't assume I'm going to be the one to die on the road that day, I know that it happens. It seems like something not worth thinking about, as I have to get from point a to point b. I put on my seat belt, and my children's, and don't really give it another thought. I hear about the car wrecks on the news, and still mostly think that will never happen to me.
After reading the 4 stages of alcoholism just now, I'm struck that my comparison was WAY OFF! I'm not sure where I fall, somewhere between stage 2 & 3 I would honestly say. I never really understood the things people were referring to in stage 4 in the meetings, or on this board, and I know I can stick with this program well enough to never get there. That is probably because now that I am seriously FREAKED OUT about stage 4, and stage 3 for that matter, and hate having lived in the other stages, I see it for what it is. It's not just a "this will only happen to someone else" type thing that I can push to the back of my mind to get from point a to b! I want to run back to point a. I never ever want to get to point b. And the horrible thing that I'm accepting here, is that I can't go back. I can only go forward. This disease IS progressive, and it WILL kill me. Wow, what a revelation! I suggest to all new comers like me, to go through and read the 4 progression steps, that I found in the pamphlet "Is there an alcoholic in your life". I found it online, but I'm guessing if I looked, it would be available at a meeting. It made me look at alcoholism from a non-alcoholic stand point (as much as that is possible I suppose). Mostly, I'm just always so worried about what other people think of me. Yet another defect of mine. For the moment, my HP let me go back to my old ways for good reason. Thanks for another sober day.
AA is not only my seat belt against my probable death, but possibly my children's or other random persons. I am so lucky to have this sober day thanks to AA
Very glad to hear this. We all think "It won't happen to me" because, deep down, all alcoholics are gamblers at heart. A gambler always assumes that they are not going to lose. Then the unthinkable happens. The loss occured at birth for us, as most of us are genetically predisposed. The sad part about passing through these "stages" is that there is no telling when our liver will begin to process alcohol sporatically and our tolerance will drop. It ranges from a couple years to several decades.
You're right Tasha, you can't go back; not now, not ever. So keep moving forward my dear, it onlys get better from here. It might seem like small steps at first Tasha, but like Dean said; the alternative can be far worse than previously imagined. So don't tempt those waters again Tasha, remain here instead and enjoy sobriety like the rest of us.
Thanks for the share Tasha. I haven't read over the stages of the disease for a long long time and its refreshing being reminded. I know them from having lived in them without knowing even the defninition of alcoholism which I learned when I got here and believed they pertained to someone elses drinking...the alcoholic/addict in my life. I did not now that I was one of two alcoholics in my life even when visually the color of my skin was a sickly greenish/yellow tinge and that I would enter hangover (allergy) starting from my second pull on a drink. If I wanted to drink I had to drink thru the pain. I came to understand the toxic shocks I went thru were not just blackouts (had those also) but my body shutting down because I had overdosed on booze...too much, too fast, too only. Like Dean mentioned I had to come to understand that I was born this way, predisposed and that helped me understand my very first drinking episode at the age of 9 and why I came to believe then that "God lived in the bottle". Part of the progression for me was that the disease let me believe that I was in control while just letting me believe that proved that it was. ...cunning, powerful and baffling...
When I was done...I was done...there was no more and I was looking for a place to lay down and hold my breath long enough to pass on. HP reintroduced me to the program (2nd attempt at both) after I had not drank for some time and there wasn't any alcohol in my brain to mess up the pictures that were left up there. I heard 90X90 and didn't have anything else going for me so I did that and then more that was suggested. I didn't take back control because I was too fearful of my own thinking and behaviors. I let the fellowship take the lead and today is my history. I'm grateful and glad you're here also.
I have also learned that, while fear of death is a good motivator for sobriety, so is the idea of living on in a hellish everlasting drunk. So I often think it would be worse to relapse and LIVE cuz that life just totally sucked and I wanted to die anyhow.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I just read that and wow! Just like you I was between 2 and 3. It truly is a killer disease. Thanks for sharing it really hit home.