It took me many years and many visits to local meeting to finally stop drinking and I've not had a drink in over 17 years. However, I stopped going to meetings probably about 15 years ago as I got fed up of the bickering, backstabbing and the constant reference to members drug addiction. In my mind I was only there to hear about, and share, people's alcoholism stories. I was also one of a very few who worked and felt I couldn't relate to the others' lives. What I had failed to grasp, despite all my meetings and short spell of sobriety was that they were just like me - alcoholics.
My mum died on Christmas Eve 2011 and I seemed to cope quite well and had no notion to drink. However, I soon found my behaviour getting out of character for me and started flirting with a girl at work - and I'm married and have a wonderful wife, whom I met while I was still drinking but who said she could see there was a different guy inside the outer cover. She stood by me, came to open meetings, fretted that I wouldn't come home from meeting and has generally been my rock. How could I do this to her?
A few weeks ago, I felt the pressure building up and, for the first time in many years, contemplated going for a drink to forget my problems. Thankfully I didn't. I summoned up the courage, or perhaps I was foolish, but I decided to tell her of my flirting and texts to the girl at work as it was really eating me up inside. After an emotional few hours, it was decided I had to tell the girl we couldn't keep up the texts etc.
When I next saw her at work, I did just that but a few hours later I found myself flirting with her again. I've not told my wife this time but I'm all at sixes and sevens knowing I'm not being true to myself or my wife, my rock, and I feel the feeling I had when I used to crave a drink.
I know I need to nip this flirting in the bud but I work close to the girl every day and when I first told her we had to stop our flirting etc, she went all cold and said from now on she'd just say hello / good morning and that would be that.
In all the years I've been married, I've never even fancied another woman so something's not right with me and my head's all over the place.
Sorry for such a long post but I just needed to get it off my chest.
-- Edited by Picard on Monday 20th of February 2012 04:22:41 PM
Thanks. Good to be here. It sounds silly but I never thought I'd need AA again - but what I describe above reminds of something an old timer in my local group once said to me: "You may be off the drink but that doesn't mean you're sober."
Thanks. Good to be here. It sounds silly but I never thought I'd need AA again - but what I describe above reminds of something an old timer in my local group once said to me: "You may be off the drink but that doesn't mean you're sober."
And here I am.
You are not alone my friend, many of us take mental breaks from the fellowship, and most of us find ourselves quite mental afterwards. I took a couple year break once and it was as you described, my morals began to sway, I lost contact with my higher power, and my thinking became adventerous to say the least. Thank you for sharing and being honest, it's critical for your continued success. Get back to the program picard, you know the right answers are there, unless you want the coming adventure and nightmare? Use the big head to re aquaint yourself with your HP not your pecker man, it will only find trouble in times of feeling unfulfilled.
Welcome picard, it's wonderful to see so many new faces here, including yours oldtimer!
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
Aloha Picard...I've come to believe that the courage to be honest is for me probably the greatest work an alcoholic can do. Of course there isn't much difference in what you have admitted doing and what I also have done and I've got more meeting time. That doesn't mean I've got enough practice time and practice time for me is face to face time with my Higher Power, a sponsor and the fellowship and the willingness to change. When I learned to love the other girl as much as I loved and respected my wife I stopped messing with her because I learned people do mess with others they really love that way. Before I changed I was doing it only for myself...thoughts, feelings, behaviors and spirit. It was like drinking for sure. I like the statement "flirting" because it gives me the metaphor of saying I am sober with a non-Alcoholic "near beer" behind the door in the refrigerator. That's dangerous thinking and acting for me. I've had more affairs in my recovery time than before it and with each one I got the same consequence as if I went out and drank. "Ours' is a spiritual recovery...only a spiritual one"...an old timer from way back.
You gotta do the work for you...and others will benefit. Keep coming back.
Honesty is the key for me. It is best to come clean. I to had a similar experience. I didnt work with the person I was flirting with. So it might take some work. I almost lost my marriage of 26 yrs. I took my flirting to the next level. And I have to be honest if you don't nip this it will go to another level.
Keep in touch with your Higher Power and be diligent with your program. You truly sound like you love your wife and trust is a very important issue for any relationship. I am trying to gain my husbands trust back and it is not an easy task.
Thanks for the messages of support. No-one at work knows of my alcoholism as I had been off the drink for a few years before starting there so it'll be tricky to explain honestly why this "flirting" has to stop. I don't even know how it started in the first place as I'd worked alongside her for months without anything happening. But I know it must stop as I'm being dishonest to myself as well as my wife. I'll see her again at work today so I know I have to nip it in the bud not only for my wife's sake but for the sake of my continued recovery as it really is eating me up inside and, as I said before, giving me the feeling I used to have when craving a drink.
Well, that's it done. I spoke to the girl concerned and explained my feelings about our "flirting" and texting, how it was affecting me and that we had to call a halt. She said it was all a bit of fun on her part and, in fact, she does the same with others in my work some of whom are also married. She said they didn't seem to have any problems with "having a bit of fun" and just couldn't understand my reaction.
Leaving my alcoholism out of it, I told her I had a lot of baggage in my past including depression and paranoia, and that the thought of doing what we were doing behind my wife's back was taking me back to a place I had no intention of going back to. She said she didn't understand what the problem was and again said I was reading too much into it. However, I told her I wasn't prepared to continue the "flirting" and her reply was simply that from now on she wouldn't speak to me if that was the way I felt. I turned and walked away and felt a big wave of relief sweep over me that I had actually taken this step.
-- Edited by Picard on Tuesday 21st of February 2012 05:53:56 PM
-- Edited by Picard on Tuesday 21st of February 2012 06:15:49 PM
I think I got the strength to do it through being honest with myself that what I was doing was wrong and, as others have said, realising it needed nipped in the bud before it got to the next level. I feel a lot better for having seen it through. Whether my colleague understands it or not, my sobriety is my overriding concern and any threat to that has to be tackled.
She exhibited very unhealthy boundaries, right till the end with her statements of "I don't see what the big deal is...". And that she's doing this with several other married guys, is creepy.
