At my first meeting, a young lady with about 9 months of sobriety introduced herself and introduced me to some other ladies and was very friendly. Since then, she seems to have latched onto me and sits with me at every single meeting. (small town, limited meeting options, mostly same group of people at every meeting plus some extras). While sweet, this girl is extremely loud and disruptive
Last night, I sat at the end of a row and another young lady sat next to me, so I felt safe from the loud girl. She showed up, dragged an extra chair to the end of the row so she could sit by me and proceeded to be VERY disruptive - more than normal. When they asked if anyone had any AA announcements - she announced that she and her fiance had picked out their wedding rings and she was off the market. SERIOUSLY???
So Im trying to be very low key and really pay attention to the meeting and not to her and did some body language that kind of gave the message I was highly interested in the speaker and tried not to respond to her whispering and....
She leans over and asks if I went back to drinking, and that it's okay if that's what happened and I should go ahead and tell the group and start over in my day-counting. Of course I whispered that no, I was on day 17 and doing fine, but she kept whispering to me about it and BOTH of us got chastized for disruption.
I was so offended. Im trying very hard not to be - but man. This chick is SO out there. Im trying to practice lots of tolerance and patience, but she makes it hard.
Then she leaned over and asked me if I had anxiety, because she realizes that her "energy" sometimes makes people with anxiety worse, so I lied and said yes and she calmed down a little bit.
She kept it up and got louder and louder again and finally I looked at her and said "dude - chill!" and she finally calmed down. Thank god. But by then the meeting was nearly over, I had missed a LOT of the message, my feelings were hurt that she assumed I started drinking again, and...GAH!!!!
So - i need a plan for the next time I see this chick. I see her at almost every meeting I go to since she lives in the area - so it's hard to avoid her. Im going to try and get seated inbetween 2 women from now on, but she could still sit close enough that it wouldn't matter. Dang Im not supposed to be concentrating on someone else's "inventory", but I don't know what to do.
Im just so new in my sobriety, I dont know what is acceptable and Im very conflicted. The old me would walk out and not come back, but I NEED to be there.
She KNOWS she is loud. She bragged about the previous days meeting where she got out of hand and screamed and cried during the sharing. The chairman of the meeting had to redirect her TWICE last night while she was sharing. He even asked at the beginning of the meeting if everyone would please stay on topic and limit their speaking to 4 minutes since we had a large crowd. When he said this, the loud girl raised her hands in the air in triumph and loudly laughed and said yep, thats me!.
No one shows up to AA, because their lives are on a winning steak. We are for the most part, very sick and twisted. And that's not in a psycho killer or, rocking on my chair with spit running down my chin kinda way, although, you might find them here too. The sick and twisted is how we see things and people around us as not being the way we expect them to be. In chapter 5, we read, there are those with grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them recover, if they have the capacity to be honest . many of us are anti social misfits and really have no clue how to function around others. We learn in AA how to grow up and live with other people no matter how quirky we think they are. We learn love and Torrence for others.A lot of what has offended me in AA and in my life is my own smugly superior judgment, based on a perception of reality that is slightly askewed. Or they were just assholes. Either way, if your gonna stay around AA for any time at all, your gonna have to lighten up or grow a thicker skin.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
My sponsor and I were just talking about this last night. There is a guy that apparently does this in my home group, but I have yet to see it. She told me how he actually scared her not too long ago when he was getting so "animated" with his share. He was swearing a lot, and saying he was going to rip someone's head off etc. He is not in recovery yet, still comes in clearly high on something, talks way longer than the suggested time about nothing pertaining to AA, or anything even understandable sometimes. My sponsor said that she normally does a "serenity prayer marathon" in her head, but the time he was scary, actually got up and quietly walked out.
I'm really trying very hard to be understanding and patient. I understand that we all have issues and no one is perfect.
I do not understand why I should have to be subjected to someone who will not leave me alone so I can enjoy the meeting. What's the point in going if I'm to be totally monopolized and distracted through the entire meeting?
I'm just asking for a plan to handle this as appropriately as possible. I'm brand new to this and she is not. There are not other meetings I can go to and avoid her unless I travel 45 minutes or so.
There are some personalities that challenge my patience in meetings as well. I try hard to concentrate on a mantra I was given by someone who has what I want. "Bless her, change me...bless her, change me." This helps. Also, I am noticing from having some time in the rooms, that I learn some of my best lessons from people I would not expect to be teaching me. The ones who behave in a way I choose not to sometimes gift me with the unexpected. I find patience and compassion I didn't know I had. All that being said, I fiercely protect my sobriety and would not hesitate changing chairs and telling someone I need quiet around me in order to process what is being said. Best of luck to you. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Hi Christine, I can tell you what I did in a similar situation and how it screwed me up. Kind of similar scenario, I will skip the details cuz they don't matter, stopped going to meetings pretty much all together, started getting super negative and eventually bitter at aa (my disease laying the groundwork), and then naturally started drinking. I now drive about 40 minutes, depending on which meeting I go to, stick to the bigger meetings, etc. And sometimes there are situations that arise that might make you uncomfortable, worst case scenario, get up and leave (I've went to one meeting where one guy cleared out the whole room), it might be a growth opportunity. Just don't give up on the whole thing because of her, please. Keep an open mind and think maybe you can learn something from this experience. When you have more time under your belt you might feel ready to deal with this. All my best, dolly
Dolly - I'm kind of afraid of heading in that direction (negative & bitter & staying away from meetings)...this is the first thing that's happened that's shaken my resolve to stay sober...
Christine, your disease is looking for any excuse, ask anyone whose relapsed, it is so subtle it's mind blowing. At least for me it was. First and foremost, stay connected to your HP. Keep asking for guidance and stay close. It is suggested you go to 90 in 90, I don't think you have to go to the same group for 90 in 90! Heck, you may go to another meeting that is so annoying you'll run back to your home group, who knows! As I look back, I can see it started with the resentment and not too long after I stopped relying and talking to my HP. Vixen said it and she's completely right, you do what you need to do to protect your sobriety. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling girlfriend "I need to hear what's being said so I am going to move". Anyhow, keep up the great work and keep coming back. Have a blessed day, dolly
In the beginning, for the first couple of months, I found that I got increasingly irritated. I felt very tetchy for a while and the least thing threw me. I then got very chilled, and actually snored through a good few meetings and boy I can really snore, I'm embarrassed thinking about it. I was not bored but felt very relaxed at meetings. I have since hit a middle ground and engage at meetings in an appropriate manner. Give yourself a chance and this too will pass.
Good to know Maire - you're right - I have been noticing mood swings lately. It seems like I started off on an even keel and now I'm jumping all over the place. Gah! I will try and chill out myself. :)
Christine, when you pick a sponsor, much of the time you will sit by them and talk to them. So, until you do that, I would approach an oldtimer in the group after a meeting and ask if you can sit by them and just run your thoughts by them after the meeting. To the other girl - it will look like you are interacting with your sponsor and you can even tell her that basically. Also, the oldtimer you choose will know how to deal with her and will politely tell her to stop interrupting (whereas you feel you can't do this cuz you only have 17 days). I would be able to tell this girl to buzz off and that I am working with a newcomer...make sense?
If you go to an oldtimer with this problem and state how it's not that you want to take the other girl's inventory but you need help and you want to focus on recovery and not her....and sticking with the winners... The oldtimer or oldtimers will probably be more than willing to help in a tactful and sensitive way.
It took me a long time to realize that all the people with more time than me in meetings were really there to help me and I just had to ask.
Hope this helps.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Arrive late and pick your seat last or arrive early and sit right next to the chair person. I guaranty that she won't sit next to the chair person and be that disruptive. Generally folks like that sit towards the back of the room.
Thank you all for your suggestions! I am heading out to a ladies meeting soon and will keep your suggestions in mind as I'm sure at least one of them will be put into play tonight. :)
Great suggestions here Christine. My opinion, she's looking for attention and you happen to be her proxy. And a not so willing one at that. Don't let her sway you from attending meetings, let the chairperson know of the situation so she can politely remind this person about the groups conscience. And how any disruption would not be tolerated. If that doesn't work, make your position known and then walk away. I hope this helps.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 26th of February 2012 03:09:29 AM
Situation update: At the next meeting, the girl apologized for being so "excited" the evening before and I told her that her "excitement" was affecting me and I was afraid we were going to have to have a chat. So, she apologized again and we hugged and all was good.
At the next meeting, she indicated she had saved me a place to sit by her and I said "I will sit by you as long as you behave, but if you start getting loud, I will have to move." I apologized for being the AA police, and she said that it was okay and sometimes she needed someone to say things like that. She behaved REALLY well that night.
So, at least now I know how I can handle this in the future with her with a minimum amount of fuss and no hurt feelings. It all worked out. :)
