Then she sticks the tail on the donkey, waaaaaaaaaaaaay off to the left. It's hard to believe my little girl is going to be three! I've been a terrible mother to her, and I've also been a wonderful mother. Depends on how much I drank the night before of course. I have so many regrets due to drinking. Moving forward is so hard. I'm not in the game of pin the tail on the donkey, but I feel my head spinning as I think of my past, and put on the blinders when I'm too scared to look at it. Starting my 4th step is not going to be fun. But I'm going to stick my tail somewhere, so I can rip off that blindfold and see again!!!!!!!!
Well, at least you only have a few years of your parenting to regret and work through, and you have this wonderful chance to get yourself and your little girl out of harms way NOW, and early in her life.
I brought trauma and emotional/financial/social/spiritual destruction into my daughter's life for a continuous ten years, and much of the damage proved to be permanent (so far--she is 37 now). This fall, because of this program, I was included in her wedding and we have a healing relationship today. But I can tell you there was a lot of pain for us both during the time it took to get to "today".
The only single thing in the Big Book I still have difficulty with is in the Promises where it says "We will not regret the past...". When it comes to what happened to my daughter's life as a direct result of alcoholism and addiction in the people surrounding her, I can not say I don't have regrets. I am forgiven, including forgiveness of self, but I still regret certain things of the past. You are fortunate to be able to quit now while she is still so young.
Hey Tasha, try not to get caught up in the emotionalism of this process. Your past "is what it is" and is a result of your disease. Your disease is fueled off of misplaced emotions (shame, guilt, remorse, self loathing...). These are all useless to recovery but very useful to your disease, which is trying hard to back you into a corner that you'll THINK that you need to drink your way out of. You can't help that you're in a relationship (married) and you can't avoid being in the "mommy zone" (as I like to call it), but you can step aside (mentally) and curtail a lot of the THINKING about the past, wallowing in emotionalism, and focus on the immediate present. <--- I said all of that, because it's very hard for someone, with all that going on, to focus on themselves and their recovery. When we set our goals for the day (staying sober, doing what we need to do that day, taking care of ourselves and our sobriety, expressing gratitude and living in the moment) then follow through with accomplishing them, there will hardly be time to let allow our minds to dwell on unproductive thought. I remember a early conversation with my first sponsor about what I called "day dreaming", which of course was dwelling on the past/future. He told me that it was "self indulgent" and termed it "mental masturbation". I was not too receptive (to say the least) about this characterization of, what I thought was my "creative process", but he was absolutely right. My Very Best Thinking Got Me Here! How was my thinking going to get me out of "Here"?. It wasn't. I was going to have to rely on my higher power and the group of drunks (G.O.D.) for that. I couldn't, they did, WE CAN. I'm really hoping to see some writing about getting back into meetings, working with my sponsor...ect. Apologies (not really ) for being direct, you're so well liked in here that someone needs to do it.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 20th of February 2012 09:23:32 AM
You know what happened already. It's not that big a deal - The 4th step is catharctic and it's not like you get socked in the face with stuff you can't handle. People make it into that unnecessarily.
Remember that countless mothers have been even worse and they recovered. You are not alone. I have heard women tell their stories of little kids waking them up while they were lying in puddles of puke. I have heard that not once, but many many tmes. You do not have to be the one to drink over your history and you don't need to let it torture you. When you get it on paper, notice the trends, and do some work with your sponsor and higher power to truly change, it will be a beautiful and wonderful thing. The only way to make lasting amends is to continue recovering. "We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."
To break this pattern of self-sabotage/alcoholism, you have to learn to treat yourself nicer. You are basically at your most vulnerable point now in that your ego has been smashed and you are rebuilding yourself just the way it describes in the big book. I read that in your posts. It's not going to help you to keep smashing down the foundation of the house you are trying to build. Go easy on yourself, but work hard for your sobriety.
I identified with your post here again - and I think it has to do with traits of perfectionism you discussed in your other thread. It also relates to addiction in general. I tend to deal in extremes. Before AA, I would work like crazy or have my head buried and be sleeping on my desk. So I was the best worker and the worst one at the same time. Sobriety has allowed me to be the person I was meant to be and it will do the same for you, but it will take time, patience, hard work, and you will need to get out of your own way.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Dean, I could surely write about my meetings and sponsor if you'd like... but I never stopped going, or working with my sponsor for a couple hours each week. This week, I will "up" my meeting attendance back to 3 per week instead of 1 or 2 as I had been doing the past couple of weeks. Before that I was doing 3-5, and my sponsor has told me 3 per week for now because of my relapse. I thought it would be hard on my husband, and didn't want him to resent the time aa was taking away from our family time at night, but I understand now that I have to right now, and he will too I think. When I told him I was going tonight, he didn't blink an eye, and my "usual night" is Thursdays. It used to be Mon, thurs, sat. and sun morning work with my sponsor at her house. Then I cut back to just thurs meeting and sunday sponsor work, and would just "catch a meeting here and there" other than that. Okay - lets be clear to other readers... this all took place over a 6 week period LOL! So I did it right for a month, tapered off for 2, and then drank. Pretty clear that I can't do less than what I did the first month.
Glad to hear that. One might get the impression that waxing philosophical had replaced the recovery process post relapse. . I'll bet if you did a poll of our regulars, with a couple years or more, most us did a "90 in 90" (or several of them back to back), with the idea that if we had time to drink every day, the we had an hour for a meeting. Early on I enjoyed the noon and morning meetings a lot, because they didn't take away from my time in the evenings to socialize. I was fortunate, in that my marriage ended at the beginning of my sobriety, so I didn't need to worry about that other person at home. Even though I had tried to stay sober, while in the marriage, for the previous 2 years, by going to 2-3 meetings a week which obviously didn't work. I was the one that made the decision (separation) that my sobriety was important then the marriage, because if I died or lost my mind (or freedom), the marriage was gone anyway. Not advising anything, just illustrating how my priorities shifted and the given result. I was also a single father of a 2 year old at the beginning of my sobriety. and I had regular visitation tuesday and thursday evenings, and every weekend. i attended a meeting each day for 3.5 years because I did not want to fail, the stakes were too high, I was "all in" lol. The morning, noon, and 5:30pm meetings (we called them "commuter meetings") were very practical for me, in a time management sense and social applications. I hardly every attend night meetings even now, mostly because I tend to fall asleep in them lol. Get-r-done, you've got a lot riding on it.
) for being direct, you're so well liked in here that someone needs to do it.