Today I wake up, take a shower, and head to the kitchen to re-heat a cup of coffee. Then I decide I will not be too lazy to make some fresh. I stare out the kitchen window, as the coffee pot is filling with cool water, I realize the dark of night is leaving. I look at the clock, 6:36. I'm overjoyed that the days are getting longer, and the cold Wisconsin winter will soon give way to a muddy, but oh so fresh smelling spring. Thank you God for another sober day.
In my view is our long gravel driveway, lined with a mix of very mature trees. As last years leaves race down the track, I choose one I believe will make it to the end first. Along it goes, twirling and flopping in the wind, but moving fast and I cheer it on in my head. Then it takes a sharp turn off the track and smacks into a tree. The other leaves hurry along to their destiny as my little leaf becomes one of many dried up crunchy brown leaves, in a huge pile of the same.
The obvious analogy regarding my recent relapse makes me bow my head as I try to figure out why I took that sharp turn off the track. I go over the reasons I've concluded thus far, and try sorting them out from most prominent to least. I'm satisfied with them, but I haven't smacked into the tree yet. As the sun rises, so does the revelation. I relapsed because I'm an alcoholic!
It's not that I didn't realize that before, what I'm slow to figure out is how to hand the mistakes to my higher power, and move forward. Yes I may look a fool, twirling and flopping about, tripping and running into trees, but it's action, and if I never move along smoothly that's okay, because my higher power is.
I smack into the tree, and land in a pile of other crunchy brown leaves.
And here we are.
Together, we make a welcoming cushion, softening the blow for the next leaf who falls. We have each other, to transform us from our past, into something miraculous.
Leaves of change, a child's delight.
Thank you for being here with me. Tasha
-- Edited by Tasha on Sunday 19th of February 2012 09:57:12 PM
-- Edited by Tasha on Wednesday 22nd of February 2012 02:36:47 PM
AAHHH! the muddy fresh springs! Know them well here in Ohio...living on the coast of Lake Erie! We have had an amazingly mild winter here. The mud abounds!
I too thank God for another day sober! Change is a good thing!
Delightful writing and inspirational perhaps. A little nudge and call to action. As practicing alcoholics we spent a lot of time romancing everything up in our head. Unfortunately, recovery doesn't work like that. It's definitely an action program. Intuitively, we try to think ourselves into feeling better as it's the only thing we know. What we learn is that we have to act our way into feeling better. When I relapsed, my sponsor asked me to write about what was missing from my program followed by writing my 4th step, and a schedule to include those things that were missing. And he told me to "up my meeting attendence". Maybe I was a hard case, but it took daily meetings to get this guy sober. Have you been to your home group and picked up a white chip yet?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 19th of February 2012 11:13:46 AM
Then I decide I will not be too lazy to make some fresh. I stare out the kitchen window, as the coffee pot is filling with cool water, I realize the dark of night is leaving. I look at the clock, 6:36. I'm overjoyed that the days are getting longer, and the cold Wisconsin winter will soon give way to a muddy, but oh so fresh smelling spring. Thank you God for another sober day.