I had that pattern going too. I was president of my college honors society, captain of the swim team, working on my Ph.D....and it all came crashing down. I then drowned myself in alcohol for another 10 years and let my fall from "perfection" fester into a total poor me self-sabotaging trainwreck. Anyhow, I do identify with a lot of what you wrote about. Also, I did get feedback to slow it down and stop trying to get a 100 percent in AA at first. I brought my big book with me to meetings for the first 3 weeks until someone told me that I should leave it and there would be no quiz after the meeting.
This is progress and not perfection. Do not beat yourself up. You never have to drink again and all of this is about YOUR peace, your serenity, and your life. You need to go to ANY LENGTHS to get this and if that includes being "selfish" in your mind....so be it. You are better taking time towards your recovery so that you will have a life to give your family in the time outside.
For now, AA and your recovery need to take up LOTS and LOTS of your time. That is okay. It is supposed to be that way. I ate, slept, and crapped AA for almost 2 years to get a good foundation.
Just keep coming back!
Mark
**I wanted to add that I learned to not have to be perfect and the joy of just being average in AA. But amazingly, since I no longer drink, I am a better employee, a better partner, a better son...you name it. Hence, while perfection is never our goal (only progress) it is pretty ironic that I have gotten closer to what I thought I wanted while drinking just by being sober. I am not perfect....but now my life is perfectly fine with me :) I promise you will have the same if you just keep this up a day at a time.
Mark (again lol)
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 17th of February 2012 05:29:41 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I did have good momentum going. I was calling my sponsor when I had the urge to buy liquor instead of coffee. I was doing a min. of 3 meetings per week, reading... thinking! Started to slip when I felt like a burden to my family being gone all the time, taking so much time to myself to exercise, read, do things for myself (meetings). That's when the thoughts started... and at first I did make calls... then I got embarrassed about how much I was thinking about it (drinking). Started feeling like I shouldn't put myself first so much. Also, things started going really really good for me really really fast. I didn't lose anyTHING in life, so all I had to do was not drink, and then as soon as my husband wasn't pissed at me anymore, everything was back on track in my life. Way too easy so to speak.
And that's how it is being a closet drinker. All anyone ever see's on the outside is my perfectly clean home, perfect family, perfect social status, perfect hair, perfect... perfect... perfect. Nothing is about me. Only keeping everything perfect. And if I'm sad or scared, or LOSING myself, all anyone ever see's is a perfect smile. So it should be no wonder that I was also being perfect in AA. I was the perfect "student". Perfect AA member who showed up with perfectly home made cookies, and a perfect attitude, with a perfect handshake, not too soft, firm grip... perfectly researched on how to be perfect. Saying what everyone would want to hear, and looking perfectly put together, as if I was a drunk without a problem in life.
***SHATTER**** No one knows, it's in the middle of the night. Still perfect for all to see in daylight hours.
But then my conscious tells me that this isn't going to work. Even if no one knows, I know. And I don't want to be perfect anymore. So then comes honesty. And I confess to all of you first, that I had relapsed. Then my sponsor last night... and finally... relief.
And now... starting over... is not perfect, but that's me.
Thanks for sharing this Tasha. One of the things I found when I came into AA, was that I did not understand the proper definition of an alcoholic. I was using other people's stories as a yardstick. When I got down to serious AA book study, I realised that I was a real alcoholic, with a physical allergy to alcohol and a mental obsession for alcohol. The chapter to the Agnostic, makes this very clear. If you honestly want to stop and you cannot or if when drinking you cannot control the amount you drink then you are alcoholic. I came to AA myself because I needed help. My wife did not think I was an alcoholic, neither did my employer or friends. In fact I had a tough time convincing people that I was a real alcoholic. I was not a moderate drinker or a heavy drinker, but I was definitely alcoholic. My 1st and only relapse proved this beyond a shadow of doubt. Alcoholism is a very serious illness and worse still it is progressive. If not diagnosed early and treated, we will definitely die. I have been here for over 23 years and I have seen that once a person has reached a certain point, recovery is impossible. Some stay dry and miserable while others relapse with varying periods of sobriety and eventually die.
I know your story all to well...you got back on track! I have relapsed more times than I care to remember. But we have to moved past all the guilt and keep doing the next right thing. Congrats on doing that!
Hi Tasha, the calling card of an alcoholic or addict is that theyre a clean cut, great guy/girl. Thats exactly how I was for years but Im realizing now that I had noone fooled when I was drinking...people knew about all my ugly stuff, and I cant say I was the greatest person until I had some really awful stuff happen to me.
If you really want to get things understood in a much BETTER way, I really think you should stay sober and use the program HONESTLY. You will also find that alcoholics are sick people as you probably hear in meetings...
Stay with sobriety...theres something much better, much happier, much healthier...
-- Edited by Closer on Saturday 18th of February 2012 01:59:40 AM
Perfectionism is one our most common character defects. It looks good on paper, when were in our manic state and highly productive. Later, we become dysfunctional and crash. At that stage our perfectionism swings to paralysis. Not wanting to do anything because we Know we can't do it perfectly or even finish what we started for that matter. It's gets ugly fast after that. People leave, jobs vanish, friends stop taking our calls, family turns their back eventually. This is when most alcoholics raise the white flag. Tasha, 3 meetings a week is probably not enough. Remember this "Anything that you place in front of your sobriety (priority wise) you will lose anyway When you drink again." Your husband may not understand the time that you'll need to put into your early sobriety. It's something that you'll have to calmly explain to him. This is a deadly disease, but the demise is usually a slow one. First it takes anything that you love away, then it takes you. The sooner you can see this vision of the future For Yourself, the sooner you'll be making getting sober your "primary purpose".
Amen sister! I have almost exactly the same tendencies and thought processes, as I'm sure many of us do. Your not alone tasha, and as I've had to figure out, there is no gold star for just about anything, including AA. Like others have said, our priority has to be staying sober and as a result of that and lots of hard work, peace. For us, not just our our kids or whoever. I have come to the conclusion that deep down somewhere in my weird little psyche, I think i don't deserve to have peace. And dang it, that's just not true! We all deserve peace! Think about this....you weren't there when you were drinking (yes your physical body was there...but the rest of you?) so now your going to meetings and working hard so you can really be there when you are there, does that make sense? Like mark said, our "best" when we're drinking is waaaaaay lower than our mediocre attempt when we're sober. Thank you so much for sharing what so many of us feel, your wonderful! Your friend, yvette
Mistakes are to be made Tasha, lessons areto be learned, and most of all forgiveness is needed by you! no one is perfect in this thing thank God. Move on, and share your relapse so others will speak up about theirs lol.. You'll find more paradoxes in this program than any other. Sometimes ya gotta give it away to keep it..
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
Thanks for sharing. The only thing we need to do perfectly is not pick up a drink and work on getting perfectly honest which you where in your post.
They told me don't compare my insides with other peoples outsides. The most selfish thing we can do is drink, the most unselfish thing we can do for our families is get selfish and take care of us and everything will fall into place.
The great thing about AA for me is that the vail of perfectionism is gone when we walk in the door and admit we are alcoholic, we all have the same sickness and are looking for recovery.
Doesn't matter if your the rich CEO or the guy under the bridge, we are all spiritually, emotionally and physically bankrupt looking for the common solution. This is what makes AA so perfect for me.
Peace and Love,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
We are not saints-we seek progress, not perfection-for good reason! Thanks for being--dare I say it--perfectly honest. LOL That's how we help each other. Actually, even the lies help, because we learn from them too.
