I am dealing with constant sounds in my head. They go on 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I also have disturbing dreams and horrible instrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are terrible things/visions you see in your mind or words that just pop into your head. I have never thought these things before.
The intrusive thoughts started first, 90 days ago, and then came the sounds. The sounds drone on and on and on and seem to mock me. I get so angry telling them to go away and they never do. The anger sometimes leads to even worse thoughts, but who wouldn't be angry with constant auditory torture going on in the sanctity of your own mind.
I also have memory loss. Specifically, most of my GOOD memories of my wife and son. I love them both dearly even though my wife and I are no longer together. I try to use them as a source of strength, but it's like something is trying to take it away from me.
I have a son I haven't seen in 6 months that I desparately want to father. And yes, some of the intrusive thoughts creep in when I think about him and other members of my family.
I haven't drank in over 6 months and I'm getting to the point where I am going to either
a.) go crazy or
b.) get psychiatric help
I feel like there is a dark force working against me that doesn't want me to stay drug, alcohol, or chemically free, see my family, or see my son. I felt WONDERFUL when I first got clean and now I'm afraid to go outside and talk to people because these thoughts just pop up. A mild example of this is the "N" word when I talk to an african american. This has NEVER happened before. I love everyone.
I text people and talk to other addicts on the phone, which is about all I can stand. Going outside and talking to people is torture. People seem to pick up on the things I think. I use to get smiles wherever I went and now people treat me differently, which of course makes it WORSE.
I am going to go and see a psychiatrist soon but I'm hoping some prayers will help me avoid doing any further damage to my brain by medicating it further.
If any of you have gone through similar ordeals and found relief PLEASE share. I am a good person who wants nothing more than to do the right thing. Stay clean, have a full, meaningful life, and most of all, give my son the father he desserves.
p.s. Like Dean said, try listening to some good music, in the mean time. Get your head away from all this CRAZY stuff...theres a really good song by a band called supertramp, its called "Hide in your shell"
Hi James, I think that all of us went through this to some extent or another. I used music (still do) to block our idle time and space in my day/between my ears. I had a pretty good drinking and drug habit and drugs tends to take longer for your brain chemistry to even out. Maybe a year to 18 months. I've heard that heavy opiate users can take a couple years to level off. get yourself an ipod and put some positive music and instrumental and just listen to music as much as you can. Be careful not to isolate (which sounds like you are) because this will bring it's own problems. Are you working a 12 step program with a sponsor? Going to meetings? If not you may be experiencing what we call a "dry drunk".
I was going to meetings and had a sponsor, but I started working and stopped going. I do still talk to friends from meetings though, and get differing opinions about what's going on. That does make me feel better, knowing that others have gone through this.
James, just stick it out. Try and do as healthy stuff as you can. Excersize, drink lots of water, take vitamins. We have an NA message board. Folks over there know quite a bit more about opiate withdrawal. You can search topics over there and read up.
Dry Drunk - Definition: A colloquial term generally used to describe someone who has stopped drinking, but who still demonstrates the same alcoholic behaviors and attitudes.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Please seek the help of a Psychiatrist no one here is a medical doctor nor should they be giving medical advice, especially concerning something as potentially dangerous as this
I implore you, seek medical attention immediately
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Welcome to MIP, James. My thoughts, prayers & heart are with you while you go through this. I'm not a Dr so can give no diagnosis or even hazard a guess as to whether this is some chemical fall-out after effect or something more in the way of an enduring mental health issue but listening to you made me think of my Dad who has schizophrenia & possibly self-medicated with alcohol on top for years. Whatever it is, I'm glad you are looking into it so you don't have to suffer alone. It sounds horrendous & I hope you find healing & resolution soon. You do deserve sobriety & to be the best Dad you are. Thank you for your courage to reach out, share & be connected here. Never alone again. Please keep coming back & let us know how this turns out. Godspeed recovery love & fellowship, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Welcome James. Many of us have been where you are right now and it can feel like emotional chaos. I would seek the attention of a medical professional on this one, so you can be sure what it is and get it properly diagnosed and treated if needed. It certainly has alot of the characteristics of a dry drunk as Dean said. We want you to be sober for a long time and we certainly want you here for a long time, and more importantly, we want you happy.
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
I was going to meetings and had a sponsor, but I started working and stopped going. I do still talk to friends from meetings though, and get differing opinions about what's going on. That does make me feel better, knowing that others have gone through this.
I was working steps but haven't finished them.
What's a dry drunk?
Thank you!
Hey James, we drank mostly to numb our feelings of fear. Fear is what's driving the thoughts in your head. Working the steps, acquiring a faith in a higher power teaches us how to deal with fear. Without a program, we are deffensless against fear and our character defects are our only coping mechanisms that we have to deal with it. Read the big book, get back into meetings, call your sponsor and work for your sobriety. That's the way out.
Hey James, we drank mostly to numb our feelings of fear. Fear is what's driving the thoughts in your head. Working the steps, acquiring a faith in a higher power teaches us how to deal with fear. Without a program, we are deffensless against fear and our character defects are our only coping mechanisms that we have to deal with it. Read the big book, get back into meetings, call your sponsor and work for your sobriety. That's the way out. _______
Second to the above. How it works: rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
Results: The Promises will materialize if there worked towards.
I want to implore you, encourage you, and support you in seeking out professional help with what you are experiencing. I am not a professional but speak from a place of personal experience.
I will only say that many, including myself, who have experienced childhood related trauma start drinking and using to medicate the pain associated with it as very young adults, some while still in their adolesance. Then they get sober, or clean and the trauma begins to surface in a variety of ways, including internal voices, horrible thoughts, nite terrors, ect. ect. Drinking and drugging separated me from my experiences as a child so that it became a form of dissociation. When I stopped drinking and drugging my brain was doing all sorts of stuff that was bizzard, freightening, and I felt as though I was being re-traumatized by my own brain.
It doesn't much matter whether you actually remember any traumic experiences, but who knows what a 5 year old will experience as traumatic? For some it will have absolutely no effect and for others it can have a deep seated effect.
I am not wanting to suggest that this is your case or situation, but what you have shared truly indicates that your internal thought process is working to put the buffer of alcoholism or addict back in play so that it can be separated from something.
The good news is.... you can get well, you can recover, and you can heal, no matter what the source of what your experiencing is. I am sending up a very strong prayer for you, and the God of my understanding is listening to all of our prayers... so you will be okay.
JOHN
-- Edited by John on Sunday 19th of February 2012 07:50:42 PM
