I'm a senior member? WO! Cool! I feel so honored, but, how did I become one??? LOL And should I not be a Senorita???
Driving home tonight, on the slushy/snowy Wisconsin roads, I had a moment of sheer horror at all the awful things that I've done. My drinking days were loooong and plentiful. But certain things stand out in my mind, the ones I live to push out the window, and scold to never come back. Why they pop into my head I don't know. Tonight as I was concentrating very hard on the treacherous road conditions well after dark, I almost had to pull over for reasons just in my head. Thoughts of those days hurt my head to think about. I just don't know how I will go through with the 4th and 5th steps. I am very worried about it lately, as my sponsor is asking me to start thinking about step 4. How will I drudge up all these things that I don't want to think about without going back to drinking them away...
How and why will it make things all better? What if I am the worst person there is? What if I am one of those people who can't be helped???? I'm really scared.
For me - coz geez I managed to really hurt some people that loved and depended on me - it was when I realised that the real me, the sober me, would never have done the things that I did. That was when the healing began. That was when I could look in a mirror and not hate the reflection.
Then it became about fixing what I could and genuinely apologising for what I couldn't fix. And staying sober. I was given true forgiveness from some people that I thought I'd burnt bridges with when they saw that I was sincere about my recovery and that I was doing my best not to be the person that cause the hurt.
Keep working the steps. They will set you free in an honest and real way, and you will find inside yourself the ability to deal with the past.
Tasha, chapter 5 says that "rarely do we see a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path..... those who do not recover...are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves....their chance are less than average". Dishonest folks, in denial, don't ask the questions that you're asking here. It's easy for those who have been sober for awhile to see that in a member who is in early sobriety. Keep doing what you're doing and acquire faith, follow the path, and fear not.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 14th of February 2012 10:23:48 AM
Hi Tasha, I have been through what you have been through. The benefits of doing the 4th & 5th steps far outweigh the fears you are having now. The AA book tells us that at the least we have inventoried and got rid of some of our grosser handicaps. So that tells me that although thoroughness is asked for, it is an incremental process. So do what you can for now with your sponsor, and leave the results to God. He will help you with the others.
So that tells me that although thoroughness is asked for, it is an incremental process. So do what you can for now with your sponsor, and leave the results to God. He will help you with the others.
Gonee has nailed it Tasha. Work with your sponsor so you can decipher what's going on, the anxiety ya gotta give to HP. I still go through this today and it's been many years since I last drank, the mind works in strange ways sometimes.
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
You already know what you did, what happened....there are no secrets you are keeping to yourself. Nothing to be scared of cuz you will not find out anything you dont already know. It is just a way of organizing it and better understanding the trends.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Wish I would have gone back to this post BEFORE my relapse. Maybe I'm just a wast of everyone's time.
Sounds like some more of that "thinking". Tasha, you're in a tougher than average situation, being somewhat of a "high bottom" drunk. The tendancy is to "compare out" when you hear talk about consequences that you haven't experienced yet. It takes faith to believe what you're hearing about the progressive nature of this disease, to over come denial. When it's telling you "I'm ok because I have a home, marriage, family... and I haven't had this/that happen to me". We all have to overcome those messages that our "thinking" is telling us.
I was a high bottom drunk, when I came in at 27 years old. Only drank beer in the evenings, worked just about every day, paid my bills, no DUIs, was married, had a great job. It wasn't until after I began attending meetings, and continued to go in and out, that these "Yets" began to happen. 2 DUIs, ended marriage, lost job... But what really scared me was I began to experience mental lapses, delusions. I remember drinking late at night, passing out, waking up again and wondering where the people that I was drinking with went to. Called someone and asked "where did you go?". There was never anyone there.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 21st of February 2012 08:04:07 AM
The only time you're wasting is your own Tasha. This is a shitty disease and it tells you everything you need to hear so you can justify the slips. Going to meetings on a regular basis, trusting in a Higher Power, and speaking with other alcoholics is your only defense. Once we become willing to do those things, we have a chance. The unwilling rarely succeed.
One day you'll be able to justify without guilt the need to go to meetings, after all, the total trip is about 2 hours. Our drinking stints can sometimes last many many hours if not days or weeks, no need to feel guilty about taking that time from them though, you're still there in person.
It's a pleasure watching you grow Tasha, you're witty, sharp, personable, and an alcoholic! what's not to love? Learn to love yourself!
__________________
"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
Tasha, you're in a tougher than average situation, being somewhat of a "high bottom" drunk. The tendancy is to "compare out" when you hear talk about consequences that you haven't experienced yet. It takes faith to believe what you're hearing about the progressive nature of this disease, to over come denial. When it's telling you "I'm ok because I have a home, marriage, family... and I haven't had this/that happen to me". We all have to overcome those messages that our "thinking" is telling us.