Everyone was there. All of my 7 surviving aunts and uncles, and their family. It was gigantic.
For the begining, I was more distracted that I didn't know most of the people there, but then, my sister and I stood by the poster board of the pictures of my grandmother through out her life.
My sister and I quietly and calmly acknowledged the pictures my father, who died april 2006. And that was ok, to see those pictures was easy, we have grown a bit of skin to those emotions.
However. When talking to someone who hasn't seen me in a long time, they preferr to talk about my father. I know that they are trying to tell me that they remember my father fondly, that they miss him too. But it hurts, and I can only stand to think about him for a very short period of time (ten minutes or less), before my emotions get twisted.
I have since learned to remain stoic around my fathers family, and Im trying to just be grateful that if nothing else, I know that I don't have to deal with the pain of my father and be around a bunch of alcohol. (my fathers family is 100% alcoholic, so every party remains dry. thank god)
I try to be as calm about his death as possible. I was 15 when he died, my sister 12. He died of an overdose. Its been 6 years. This pain should have atleast dulled, I should learn to deal with this. But also I don't want to talk about him and make others uncomfortable, but I don't want to smash those feelings so far down that they have time to ferment and rot and fester.
I brought it home and talked to my fiancee about how I was feeling. And god bless him he tried to be kind and patient and understanding, but then he came out of his mouth with "Ive thought I was an orphan for years" Which is not true. His parents are alive and well and talk to him regularly. I tried to think of this phrase as metaphorical, as if he felt he was abandoned, and he is entitled to his feelings. But I just got mad, how can you compare a metaphoric feeling of abandonment to an actual death. I don't mind him identifying the feeling of abandonment, I just think that at the that point I was so emotionally raw that all I could think was "I cant call... there is no extension to the afterlife if I need my dad. You have a phone number to call if you need them. Thats not fair"
Sorry for the long post. Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by Ruhig on Monday 13th of February 2012 12:17:57 PM
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
I lost my father to alcoholism when I was 15. But over the years, the issue wasn't fond memories... most of the other people who talked about him didn't have anything good to say. Sometimes I thought I was his lone defender, or rather, my brother (who was 11 at the time) and I were the only ones who preferred to remember him fondly.
I ran the gauntlet of psychiatrists, psychologists, group therapy, etc. and even people who never met him concluded he must have been a horrible person.
I found healing in my relationship with my father through Alanon, strangely enough. I blamed Alanon for causing my parents to get divorced, and I ended up going to Alanon myself not because of my dad, but because of my daughter... and my ex-wife, who is not an alcoholic but an un-recovered Alanon herself. Even though I am an alcoholic, it really took some time in Alanon to understand my father and accept him as he was, and understand that he did the best he could with what he had.
Well, every new family event that we make it through sober is a growth experience when we are pretty new in sobriety. I know the pain is no fun, but we either grow or go, and it's good to see you brought this up and are looking to get past some emotional stuff.
I don't know what it's like to lose a parent in my teens, and I'm not a professional councelor in these kinds of matters. I do know that as alcoholics, we tend to hide in the drink and drug and our emotional growth stops when addiction begins.
Part of getting sober is to begin to deal with the emotions we stuffed in the closet for so long. The 3d step, turning it over to God was helpful to me. Give it to him until you can handle it. Get into God's will and out of self. The balance of the step work helps us to deal with emotional issues, seeking professional help to deal with some issues can also be beneficial.
Regarding your Fiancee: I'm sure he was just trying to make you feel better as best he could, but I know his comment wasn't what you where looking for. Again, just my experience, men and women are wired different emotionally, all I can say is keep some good women friends/sponsor that you can talk with also.
There is a old corny book (short) called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", might be helpful for you both to read and help understand each other.
Take care,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks for your replies. looking for a womens meeting I can make. Ive also been to psych drs, and I have found that i get the most from people who have been there.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
