I am at that point where I must choose who to do a Fifth Step with (besides God and myself). I have heard one horror story of someone not respecting the privacy of the guy doing the 5th step, putting his dirty laundry out for all to see. Another issue is getting past one's lack of trust. You spill your guts and say things that would bring on the lynching mob....how can you possibly know who the right person is? If you 5th step with your sponsor wouldn't such laundry ruin his relationship with you? Yes, I hear the alcoholic mind (and EGO too) running rampant throughout these questions, but perhaps someone has some good advice? Perhaps some good prayers?
Thanks for the topic. I agree with everyone on this. There's many different approaches to taking this step but only three people of origin; God, ourselves and another human being. When we finally admit our wrongs we're doing so to feel forgiven ourselves, so you can mark that one off the list. We also try to seek God's presence in all matters big and small and do so by coming clean about everything. That's how we build a relationship with the God of our understanding, so mark God off that list as well. Now, about the other person. Lin got it correct when he mentioned the word "trust". If you trust someone enough, you'll trust him even more when it comes to doing this step. It's the bonding agent needed to form a more permanent friendship. But be careful who you choose. The choice can either make us or break us, possibly. Remember, we might be new to "AA" but were not new to the world. Some people may have our best interests in mind while others do not. So, pick someone who you can trust completely. Someone who fits the bill in your eyes. Why? The last thing anyone needs is another resentment, that's why. I hope this helps.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 5th of February 2012 02:50:58 PM
The steps says "...and to another human being...". It says nothing about a sponsor or even a member of AA. The chapter Into Action, pp. 72-75, never suggests or even mentions doing the step with a fellow AA. In dealing with the exact nature of my wrongs, I chose an Episcopal priest with many years of sobriety, who was active in AA. I wanted the confidentiality afforded by law to the church, in that "confessional" relationship. And atheism was no barrier, by the way, to taking the step with a spiritual listener.
I have done nearly a dozen fifth steps, all of the early ones with sponsors, and the funny thing is I would tell them a story I thought was so shameful, so horrifying, and they would respond with "oh that's nothing, listen to this" and tell me something about themselves that would leave me laughing uproariously, and take the sting out of my story, our stories are only important because they are ours, what gives them such power is we keep them secret, once we let them go they lose their power, and after a short while we wonder why we were so ashamed (if we continue to work the steps and work with others).
I was listening to a fifth step from a sponsee once, and he is telling me this incredibly mundane story and tears were streaming down his face...and...how do I explain...it..was something that everybody has done, that no one need be ashamed about, and it was his deepest, darkest, most shameful secret and it was killing him....and it was literally silly and trivial and it came to me in a flash..."our stories are important to us because they are ours"
I gave him a -huge- hug, and forgave him totally in that moment, and when I forgave him, something happened, and I forgave myself, I told him some stories that had him -rolling- with laughter, and when he walked away he did so looking like he had unburdened 1000lbs from a backpack he had been carrying, he walked away with a smile and a spring in his step.
If I trust someone enough to ask them to be my sponsor, I trust them enough to tell them everything, as the years went on, my secrets lost their power, they became less and less important, until they aren't secrets any more, it's not like I spill my guts to everyone I meet, but I am not afraid to tell the truth any more, whether it be to one person or to a room full of people in a meeting...going through this process removed all the shame attached to my secrets and took away their power.
There is a reason we say "you are only as sick as your secrets" in AA
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I have done and heard many 5th steps. I always tell my sponsees that I am not easily shocked , for I am not as pure as the driven snow, and I don't judge. Before I hear a 5th step I build trust with the sponsee and let them know what ever they tell me goes to the grave with me even, if for some reason, we decide not to work together anymore their secrets still stay with me. I guess what I'm saying is find someone you trust.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
I don't know if this means anything since Im new, but my BF said that when he did his 5th step, he was in japan, and he foun a man sitting on a bench and gave his entire 5th step to the (english speaking) man. We live in america. And I believe that the stranger in japan was much less interested in gossip. Just putting that out there. feel free to throw your 2 cents in.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
Well, if you can't find a random guy on a park bench a interstate hitch-hicker usually works if you can keep him in the car long enough .
Seriously, probably best to do it with someone who understands the basics of the steps and recovery.
I got sober in a heavily Catholic area and a lot of people went to preists, it was not customary to do it with a sponsor in that area.
I wouldn't worry about a sponsor being shocked or changing his opinion of you.
I tell all the people I sponsor they don't have to do the 5th step with me, better to find someone you won't hold back with, or worry about anything leaking out if that is a concern. They all still decide to do it with me for some reason.
I actually did my first 5th step with a random addiction councelor out of the phone book, never saw them again, it went well, they understood the process.
Peace,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I just got over myself and asked my sponsor. Tomorrow night. Thanks for the insights.
Quite Possibly the best post ever seen on this forum, barring Gonee's recent story about "How I felt like a thief, stealing their happiness", that one was incredibly moving
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Hi Martin, I did mine with a Priest who just happened to be in the program. It was the "spiritual awakening" the book speaks of. On the conclusion of second evening (my 4th step was long) I was giving the sacrament of absolution and told that it was a sin to believe that I was Not forgiven. I walked outside of the rectory, which was out in country by a lake. I felt like I was walking 3 feet off of the ground, such a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I walked over to the lake, under a mostly full moon, knelt down and prayed, crying tears of gratitude. Later I did another 5th step with my sponsor, which seemed at the time to be a bit redundant, but I wanted to make sure that I was prepared to work the rest of the steps with him. As far as worrying about these secrets being revealed. There is nothing on your 4th step that hasn't been on someone elses, and far worse. Any story of betrayal of trust, with regards to a 5th step is extraordinarily rare. I've never heard of one. If you've chosen a good sponsor, have faith and move on.
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