Some of the posts I have been reading here made me think of this Ted talk I saw a few months ago, it's hard to explain but I don't go to meetings to not drink, not really, I go to meetings to learn this stuff.

There are varying levels of depth in AA, as Jesus put it, there is bread for babes, and meat for strong men, there is a simple message for the newcomers, and I have found the depth of a spiritual life to be without end, the deeper down the rabbit hole we go, the more there is to discover, about ourselves, about others, about God, and about life.

My best friend sent me this link because she said "Andrew, this is what you have been telling me, this sounds just like what you say" which I found amusing because I had learned all of it from her, but she was unable to access it because she was "going through it" herself, when we are in the tunnel we need those around us to show us the light.

Anyway, this was....important to me, this...is what...I strive for, this is how I want my emotional life, my interior life to be today, vulnerable, this is worth reading and watching a few times.

She talks about a sense of self worth, a sense of love and belonging, and our striving for connection, and how whole hearted people are the ones able to be "complete"...I got all of this stuff initially from AA, from the fellowship that grew around me, from sponsors, from sponsees, I learned the courage of imperfection, the willingness to be authentic, to allow myself to be who I was, rather then who I thought I should be. I learned how to fully embrace my vulnerability, how it takes courage but how it allows my soul to be free, how it allows me to finally accept who I was on a cellular level, and be enough...I am enough... and that is such an incredible feeling. She talks about the process very well.




We live in a vulnerable world. And you cannot selectively numb emotion. You cant say, heres the bad stuff. Heres vulnerability, heres grief, heres shame, heres fear, heres disappointment, I dont want to feel these. Im going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. I dont want to feel these you cant numb those hard feelings without numbing the affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.



So you cant choose to numb the hard stuffthe uncertainty, the fear, the risks, the vulnerabilityand expect to find a deep level of satisfaction and true creative expression in your life.



What unravels connection? Shame.

Shame: the fear of disconnection. Its universal; we all have it. Im not blank enough.

In order to let connection happen, we have to let ourselves be seen. Really seen.

A sense of worthiness; thats what this comes down to a strong sense of love and belonging: There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who struggled for it. And that was: that people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe theyre worthy of love and belonging. Thats it. They believe theyre worthy. And to me, the hard part about the one thing that keeps us out of love and connection is our fear that were not worthy of love and connection, was something that personally and professionally I felt I needed to understand better.

What do I call these people living from a strong sense of love and connection? Whole-hearted. These are whole-hearted people.

Heres what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language, its from the Latin word cor, meaning heart, and the original definition was to tell the story of who are with your whole heart.

And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect.

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others. Because as it turns out, we cant practice compassion with other people if we cant treat ourselves kindly.

And the last is, they had connection this was the hard part as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which is you have to to absolutely do that for connection.

The other thing they had in common was this: they fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didnt talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they talk about it being excruciating, as I heard it earlier in the shame interviewing, they just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say I love you first. The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. The willingness to breathe through the doctor waiting to call with a mammogram. The willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.



Research: to control and predict. To study phenomenon for the explicit reason to control and predict.

I said, heres the thing. I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that its also the birthplace of joy, and creativity, of belong, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I just I need some help Its bad, isnt it? And she said, Its neither good nor bad. It just is what it is. And I said, Oh my god, this is going to suck! And it did, and it didnt. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that like when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they kind of surrender and walk into it? A) Thats not me, and B) I dont even hang out with people like that. For me, it was a year-long street-fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight but probably won my life back What are we doing with vulnerability? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No. And so this is what I learned: We numb vulnerability Having to ask my husband for help because Im sick and were newly married. Having to initiate sex with my husband. Initiating sex with my wife. Being turned down. Asking someone out. Waiting for the doctor to call back. Getting laid off. Laying off people. This is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it: we numb vulnerability. And I think theres evidence. And its not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think its a huge cause. We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.

The problem is, and I learned this from the research, that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You cannot say, Heres the bad stuff. Heres grief, heres shame, heres disappointment. I dont want to feel these. Im going to have a couple of beers and a banana-nut muffin. I dont want to feel these. You cant numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects or emotions. So when we numb those, we numb joy. We numb gratitude. We numb happiness. And then we are miserable and we are looking for purpose and meaning. And then we feel vulnerable so we have a couple of beers and a banana-nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesnt have to be addiction. The other thing we do is, we make everything that is uncertain, certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery, to certainty. Im right, youre wrong, shut up. Thats it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are.

Do you know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

You are imperfect and you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of comfort and belonging.

We pretend that what we do doesnt have a huge effect on people We just need you to be authentic and real and say, Were sorry. Well fix it.

But theres another way.

To let ourselves be seen. Deeply seen. Vulnerably seen.

To love with our whole hearts, even though theres no guarantee. And thats really hard. I can tell you as a parent, thats excruciatingly difficult.

To practice gratitude and joy, in those moments of kind of terror, when were wondering, Can I love you that much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this? Just to be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, Im just so grateful. Because to feel this vulnerable means Im alive.

And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that were enough. Because when we work from a place that says, Im enough, then we stop screaming and start listening. Were kinder and gentler to the people around us and were kinder and gentler to ourselves.

-- Edited by LinBabaAgo-go on Thursday 2nd of February 2012 10:32:11 AM