Welcome back. I was a constant relapse victim as well, Lisa. So I know the routine. We either let down our guard or suffer a momentary lapse in judgment, as we try to figure out what went wrong. My adult years were filled up with matters complicated by alcohol also -before I finally put a plug in the jug, that is. I'll spare you the details Lisa, but I will tell you this; it does get better, we promise.
My suggestion, don't get lassoed anymore by the urge to continue drinking. I suggest to you another alternative: Start attending meetings, once again. Don't worry about the logistics anymore, just attend a meeting and listen. I bet, that everything you were taught will come back to you in some form or another. Letting go was an invaluable lesson for me to learn, and has been a key in adjusting to & surviving life since my last relapse. And it can for you as well, starting today. I'll pray for that moment of clarity Lisa, and for the willingness to say...I need help.
~God Bless
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 2nd of February 2012 03:36:44 AM
Hi all. I posted last March about relapsing after 22 years of sobriety. I am still struggling and in the depths of despair. Everyday I wake up and say I am not going to drink. Everyday for the past month I have. I am depressed. Can't seem to shake this thing. I feel alone and scared. You all were encouraging last March. Please help.
I have gone out twice, and made it back 2 different ways, one: I went to meetings drunk, drinking, raising my hand and crying because I couldn't stop, eventually something clicked and I made it through the door, I literally have no idea what "clicked", the other time I stayed out until the wheels fell off my life, I lost everything and as they let me out of jail and I was walking in the rain in 35 degree temps at 5am in the morning I realized that this pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization would be sufficient to get me to some meetings
So my experience is there are two ways to make it back, drink until you hit pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization...or keep attending meetings until something clicks
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Hi Lisa, I would suggest you find a meeting if your having trouble, it is something you cant do alone. It sounds like your not wanting to drink but you have the same problem as all of us where it just keeps happening. I would try to get into a meeting quick before things get real bad.
Hi Lisa, my heart goes out to you. You must have got sober at the about the same age I did. I remember the fear and desperation, and the awful loneliness of that time. I first discovered the effect of alcohol when I was nine or ten and was drinking heavily at every opportunity from about 13 onwards. As a result I had the emotional development of a 13 yearold when I got sober. But perhaps another important fact was that my life never really got off the ground. I was always in trouble, never achieved anything, never had any real concept of life, just went straight to oblivion. Then the miracle of AA happened and I was given a life that was so beyond anything I could have imagined, so unbelievably wonderful - I had no idea such a life even existed. If I lost it I am sure I would be just as devastated as you are and I fervently hope I would have the courage you are showing in asking for help and not let my stupid pride get in the way. You have an advantage that you didn't have before, you know what sobriety is like, you know what you are trying to accomplish. I hope I would recognise the hopelessness of my situation, that I am beyond human aid, and that there is a simple solution to be found in the rooms of AA. And perhaps I might remember the first time round when I discovered there were no prequalifications to membership other than suffering from alcoholism, and the most useful things for me to take on the journey were honesty, openmindedness, and willingness. Oh,and I remember how pleased people were to see me, how they made me feel at home, and that feeling of knowing I was in the right place, among my own kind, at last. Get back to AA Lisa, they will be so pleased to see you just as we are delighted you are here. We need you.
Lisa, its time to come home.. we NEED you in the rooms with us... you are valuable, worthy and have so much to still offer... a relapse is not the saddness of this disease, it's the lesson's it brought not being taught and shared with others that is sad. Your story needs to be heard. Please come back and take your seat.
It will take you doing what feels wrong but what you know is right. You just need to have "smart feet" as they say. Get the body to meetings and to the phone to call a sponsor and such and the rest will follow. I know you are depressed and hopeless and you will not do a thing while waiting on inspiration. That is the nature of BOTH depression and alcholism. You are going to have to take active steps now even though it does not feel right.
Rehab is also something to think about. It cannot hurt to help you get a jump on your program since you are having such a hard time getting the recovery ball rolling again. Also, it could address whatever depression issues are blocking you from really getting stable enough to build your program back.
Prayers for you!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I literlly hung out at an Alano club for months. Since I was there anyway, I'd go to each meeting during the day.
When I finally got back to work full time, I made arraingements with my boss to 'take care of personal stuff' with a long lunch everyday. That set me up to hit a noon meeting which got me throught the work day. After that, there were 5 or 6 o'clock meetings followed my 8 o'clock meetings. And on the weekends, there were places which held mid-night meetings.
btw, if you are depressed drinking will make you MORE depressed. Not saying you might not need more help with the depression but you'll start feeling better the quicker you stop drinking.
Meeting are the answer Lisa, and I truly believe you know that. The experience, strength, and hope you can bring to a meeting as John said is extremely powerful. Many have been where you are, and you may help someone thinking about drinking to not take that drink! Go take your seat, it's still there.
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
Lisa, its time to come home.. we NEED you in the rooms with us... you are valuable, worthy and have so much to still offer... a relapse is not the saddness of this disease, it's the lesson's it brought not being taught and shared with others that is sad. Your story needs to be heard. Please come back and take your seat.
John
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I'm going to stick to my actual experience in my response to you. Returning from a relapse after many years sober (nearly 18 years) sucked big time for me. And, the "suckiness" did not get lifted immediately after I returned. Indeed, I was sober for well over a year after my return before I began to get comfortable in my own skin again. That's the bad news.
Now, the good news. Despite what my head told me in that first year: "It's never going to get better;" "You're a failure"; "You might as well keep drinking till you die;" etc., it did in fact get better. As I kept going to meetings despite how I was feeling, got into service, worked the 12 steps again with my sponsor, it got better. That's now over 5 years ago, a day at a time.
Give yourself a break; allow yourself to feel what you feel and don't apologize for it. Cry, scream, post your frustrations on this board, do what you have to do. Just keep going to meetings, and don't take a drink a day at a time. In time you will see you are not a failure; you will have demonstrated courage beyond what most people can imagine. Deep down, you already know A.A. works; now you just have to give it a real chance to work again in your life.
With you in spirit and strength one day at a time.
