CJ, this is alcoholic behavior and I'd bet dollars to nickels that you experienced this kind of stuff from one of your parents, and so did your wife. If this is the case, there is a lot of good reading material (and a good program in Acoa) John Bradshaw books "On the family" and "Healing the shame that binds us" talks a lot about how we got this way and why we do it. JB says that Acoa's and Codependents "are forever hyper vigiliant" like a animal that is always on guard against predictors. In our case we're always on guard against someone who would criticize something that we did, saying it's not good enough. This is what drives perfectionists, over achievers, and work-a-holics. The opposite of this is practicing acceptance and gratitude. Accepting less then perfect from ourselves and others, and expressing gratitude for virtually everything. I thank my wife for everything that she does for me, and and she does a lot. I've found that when I show gratitude toward others it makes me feel good. And, after all, this is a "selfish program"
PS, my wife and I have our own bathrooms, and I let her hang the TP backwards in hers.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 22nd of January 2012 08:51:50 AM
It's not that I say things I don't mean, it's that I say things that I really do mean, but I absolutely do not need to say. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's not. I don't realy need to tell my wife about the imperfections with tonights dinner...everytime she cooks, or strike up a good argument every time the toilet paper is facing inward, the way that I absolutely disagree with, lol. I seem to have the need to be correct, start and argument anytime I disagree or feel I have a greivence I need to establish. The fact of the matter is, those are my concepts, my perceptions. So what if I cooked for years and i'm a perfectionist, to someone else that meal may have been the best thing they had in months. Or who cares if the toilet paper is easiest accessable when it faces towards me, I could just change it around and I bet SHE would'nt complain, or even notice at that. The list goes on and on my friends.
Believe me I have been seeking some kind of couseling for my perfectionist, life strangle hold control I think I have on day to day issues, but I find counseling, even Christian counseling, to be awfully expensive. There was a time where I had a daily reprieve from my thoughts and actions. Where I had a little more control by just simply letting go. I have resorted back to the old behavior where instead of pausing and doing the next right thing, I just try to do the least worse for the day and hope I fall asleep and stay asleep at night. I haven't drunk myself to sleep in 2 years and I and greatful for that, but I have lost the ability to be greatful for things that before sobriety, I had lost and thought were gone for good in my "lifes never going to get better" phase. The little things like keeping my mouth shut at times, if I lost a job, being greatful I even had one to lose, same as when my first car I had in sobriety broke down I was just greatful to have a car again that could break down lol.
Truth is I have slipped back into alcoholic thinking, slowely but verrrry surely and after avoiding meetings for a year and staying dry, I decided to get back in. My first year in sobriety I went every single day. Now I think I should take it slow, get a good strong program going, and not try to show up because "they" say I should be there, but because I want to stay sober, give back and learn all the wisdom along the way that I didn't pay as close attention to when I used to go, and while I was just in physical recovery.
Anywho thanks for listening, Im new to online AA (2nd post) and I just like to get my feelings out there where it's out of my head.
Soooo CJW...what are you so afraid of in just letting go and letting God all the time...toilet paper, meal time, etc...?? Sometimes what's most I'm afraid of is just not hearing the sound of my own voice..."It's all about me...me...me". Gratitude doing is good solid recovery work and so is humility (being teachable) cause for me it turns the EGO (Easing God Out) around to OGE, or Offering God Entry. Perfectionism is a set up, delusional, and all those other non-perfect sounding symptions and emotional and behavioral dis-eases. One consequence was that I often found myself only with myself and didn't like myself and my perfection.
Letting it go and letting God...sponsor...program...fellowship is sound planning. Hope you carry that out. Toilet paper facing the wrong way? God I thought I was the only one. Grateful now to know I wasn't.
I was hoping to generate a couple laughs : ) Yes I did learn the behavior, of course Im now surrendering it back to God and I have the dream of building my own well-lit man bathroom some day, behind a 20-ft hall way, sound proof so my wife cant freaking holler at me when Im on the pot. Hate that lol. Thanks yall and Ill be posting more soon. Hope you can find enjoyment in my illustrations.
I broke several toilet paper holders when drunk....ripped the fixures right out the wall trying to change the roll all drunk. I also tore off just about every shower rod. Also falling into the toilet seat broke a number of those too. Hence, I'm pretty happy with a functioning non-tore up bathroom these days lol.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I broke several toilet paper holders when drunk....ripped the fixures right out the wall trying to change the roll all drunk. I also tore off just about every shower rod. Also falling into the toilet seat broke a number of those too. Hence, I'm pretty happy with a functioning non-tore up bathroom these days lol.
Reminds me, I heared a lady share that when she complained to her sponsor about her husbands lack of ability to put the toilet seat down.
Her sponsor replied "did you ever think about leaving the toilet seat up for him?"
-- Edited by Rob84 on Monday 23rd of January 2012 11:03:28 PM
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Welcome to MIP board. Not too much I can add, seems like you pretty much wrote what the problem was and what the solution is.
Your tale is pretty predicable and not uncommon just be grateful you didn't drink and get back on board.
I know out of meetings for me means back into self-centerness, and lack of humilty and gratitude and service. Key is get out of self, into service, stay grateful and humble.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
