I still don't know. I share this for my brothers and sisters in sobriety and those maybe wondering about sobriety. I'm not the first and won't be the last. I drank after 7 months of really great sobriety. I mean to tell you, I thought I had this sobriety thing down to a science. I was doing it all right, chairing meetings, service, 12 steps. If there were gold stars at the meetings, I would have one. I went home for a (dysfunctional) family visit; my sponser's email/phone number handy, all my 12 step work in hand, big book, etc. Spent a week watching them drink and fight; no problem. Didn't go to a meeting or call anyone (again, thought I had it handled). Turns out it was a problem and rather than call anyone, I thought I'll just have one glass of wine at the airport, I deserve it! Everyone knows where this story ends. But, the upside is this time I KNEW there was hope and happiness available. Yes, I am terribly disappointed in myself. But all I had to do was tootle my way back into a meeting and I am on the path again. As I look back, I can see all these sneaky little resentments that were there that I didn't address. I can see, I still deep down had that question, "am I an alcoholic?" As time progressed, my disease fooled me into thinking maybe I wasn't. Now there is no doubt about it. I am an alcoholic. I don't know why other people can drink normally(whatever that is!) and I can't. I don't know why my bottom maybe higher than some; doesn't mean I am any smarter or different than any of my brothers and sisters. I do know I hate the person I become when I drink- sneaky, lying and bitter. As is always the case, my first meeting back, a lady shared about her battle with early sobriety and relapse; she said she was thinking "it's not fair, I should be able to drink, too" and then would. She nailed it. Deep down, that was me.
Thanks for letting me share, my new sobriety date is 01/08/12. Dolly
I still don't know. I share this for my brothers and sisters in sobriety and those maybe wondering about sobriety. I'm not the first and won't be the last. I drank after 7 months of really great sobriety. I mean to tell you, I thought I had this sobriety thing down to a science. I was doing it all right, chairing meetings, service, 12 steps. If there were gold stars at the meetings, I would have one. I went home for a (dysfunctional) family visit; my sponser's email/phone number handy, all my 12 step work in hand, big book, etc. Spent a week watching them drink and fight; no problem. Didn't go to a meeting or call anyone (again, thought I had it handled). Turns out it was a problem and rather than call anyone, I thought I'll just have one glass of wine at the airport, I deserve it! Everyone knows where this story ends. But, the upside is this time I KNEW there was hope and happiness available. Yes, I am terribly disappointed in myself. But all I had to do was tootle my way back into a meeting and I am on the path again. As I look back, I can see all these sneaky little resentments that were there that I didn't address. I can see, I still deep down had that question, "am I an alcoholic?" As time progressed, my disease fooled me into thinking maybe I wasn't. Now there is no doubt about it. I am an alcoholic. I don't know why other people can drink normally(whatever that is!) and I can't. I don't know why my bottom maybe higher than some; doesn't mean I am any smarter or different than any of my brothers and sisters. I do know I hate the person I become when I drink- sneaky, lying and bitter. As is always the case, my first meeting back, a lady shared about her battle with early sobriety and relapse; she said she was thinking "it's not fair, I should be able to drink, too" and then would. She nailed it. Deep down, that was me.
Thanks for letting me share, my new sobriety date is 01/08/12. Dolly
I think that's great personally, I did the same thing after three years and not only was my (second) sobriety much more tranquil and emotionally balanced, I was able to help others who relapsed after having substantial time when they came staggering back, I look at that relapse as a blessing today, it settled my doubts about whether I was an alcoholic, allowed me to have more compassion for others, and showed me the areas in which I was "white knuckling" rather then working my program.
I don't feel I "lost" anything (that keeping score with "time" thing we do) but instead gained valuable insight and emotional sobriety.
Welcome Home.
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Thank you for your service here, that was a very valuable post!
I'm sitting here with goosebumps, I feel so grateful to your Higher power... Here you are! it's so awesome!!
My family of origin is a huge trigger for me, even for my emotional sobriety so I have to limit my time when I visit. As for feeling like it's not fair that I don't "get to" drink, someone totally convinced me that I wasn't "giving up anything - - - I was getting rid of something."
Watch what you focus on, my friend, because what I focus on gets bigger. Criticizing myself never helped me to appreciate life or love myself more.... Today is a new day! Just stay in the day.
...and maybe dust off your gratitude journal! ((big hugs))
Welcome back. A perfect step 1 comes when you no longer have the reservations. I don't want to drink at all. It ruined my life. I stopped asking "Why can't I drink?" Who cares? I don't want to drink. Drinking sucks.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks all for the support and welcome back. My only purpose in sharing was for those who could maybe glean some insight, nothing more. I just find it interesting that when I was in the situation; I couldn't see how obvious it was. "text book" as Dean said. Thanks again everyone, great to be back! Off to a meeting! Dolly
Hey Dolly. The beauty of your post is that it shows us how sneaky and yet how predictable our disease is. Some of us are able to simply stop. That is rare. Some of us need "encore performances". If you read through the threads you can reference a number of us who have gone through what you did. I really believe I have taken my last drink, but I only do it 24 hours at a time! I also know from experiences like yours how quick it can happen. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Dolly, Thanks for the post and your honesty. I started my sobriety journey a year ago, today would have been my one year.....About five months or so in, I too had to see if I truly was an alcoholic. There was no particular event, good or bad, that "triggered" me. I was going to meetings daily, helping to clean the hall my home group uses, read the BB, had a sponsor(in name only), and thought I had surrendered. Then I found myself back in that hopeless pit of despair, with guilt and shame as my companions. I couldn't find any phone lists but for one number, a lady in my home group who had recently celebrated 20 years of sobriety. She told me to "get off the corner of rationalization and justification" get myself to a meeting, take a 24hr coin, and get back up and on the path. I did. I walked around in a bit of a fog for a week or so, then life happened. My Dad was supposed to have a common medical procedure which turned into major life threatening surgery. My parents live 12 hrs away from me, and I desperately prayed for the ability to get to where he was and be able to tell him how much I loved him before his surgery, as I may not get another chance. As I was driving in the dead of night, literally, I stopped my car, got out, and prayed like I had never prayed before. I knew there was going to be a lot of stress, a lot of drinking, and for me other substances that I have issues with right in front of me. I knew I did not have the power within me, in and of myself, to not drink or use. So I prayed and I asked God as I understand him to help me, please help me. I was as willing as the dying can be, as the saying goes. I guess I had to get to that point to be able to truly surrender. I was able to see my Dad, tell him I loved him. His surgery went well, and I stuck around for a couple of weeks and helped him rehab. My head kept trying to play games with me, telling me a drink or a this or a that would help me to relax or sleep better or pep me up, as my butt was dragging and chaos is an understatement. I prayed instead. I asked for the ability to remain sober, for just that day. I had a new sponsor, and I called her. I read the BB. I got through it, came home, and actually started working the program as it is suggested. Steps, sponsor, chairing meetings, learning the principles of this program and applying them to my life as best I can. I have learned to live in the here and now, and be grateful for every moment I am given. Today, I celebrate 7 months. Today, I am a miracle. And so are you. Thanks for helping me to remember that this disease is just waiting for another chance with me. With the help of you and others such as you, I can say "Not today" Peace
-- Edited by nezyb on Saturday 21st of January 2012 12:58:37 AM
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Dolly thank you so very much for your honesty in your post.
I also thought I was doing it all right and like you after 7or 8 months picked up a drink. I forgave myself then since the trauma I chose to deal with drinking was a death. I got myself right back to meetings and got on track again. And now a few months later I don't even know what the hell flipped that switch in my head. It has been over a week and I have not been able to make myself go back to a meeting. How many times do I have to hear what I need to do before I do it?
You said "I mean to tell you, I thought I had this sobriety thing down to a science. I was doing it all right, chairing meetings, service, 12 steps. If there were gold stars at the meetings, I would have one." That was me too.
I have called my sponsor and talked with her several times and she is coming down tonite to attend our usual Friday nite meeting. I really hope that the time spent with her and in the meeting will be enough to flip that switch again because the hopeless despair that I carry with me now is horrendous.
Dolly thank you so very much for your honesty in your post.
I also thought I was doing it all right and like you after 7or 8 months picked up a drink. I forgave myself then since the trauma I chose to deal with drinking was a death. I got myself right back to meetings and got on track again. And now a few months later I don't even know what the hell flipped that switch in my head. It has been over a week and I have not been able to make myself go back to a meeting. How many times do I have to hear what I need to do before I do it?
You said "I mean to tell you, I thought I had this sobriety thing down to a science. I was doing it all right, chairing meetings, service, 12 steps. If there were gold stars at the meetings, I would have one." That was me too.
I have called my sponsor and talked with her several times and she is coming down tonite to attend our usual Friday nite meeting. I really hope that the time spent with her and in the meeting will be enough to flip that switch again because the hopeless despair that I carry with me now is horrendous.
I got hope from your post Thank you
Absolutly SS! Just climb back up on the horse and ride! Like Lin Baba said, the relapses are valuable learning tools if you survive them, so put them to work by honestly proclaiming them and pressing on with the program. Your disease hates that.
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Seeking serenity, I am so sorry your feeling so badly... I did too but as I said, as is almost always the case, my first meeting back a lady shared with the exact info I needed to hear-and it wasn't even the topic! Amazing. I have had one huge revelation since my slip; I kept hearing/reading that I needed to become humble, my ego was a huge part of the problem. I thought, "me, I don't have an ego, I am the most beat up/down person on earth, what are they talking about???" Now I realize, even in AA, I was competing, "I am going to be the best member ever!"- not conciously, but upon reflection I see I needed their approval too and I was more focused on that than working my program. I have heard people in AA say "it's none of my business what you think of me". Now I get it. I guess this is where "take it easy" comes in. I definately don't have the pink cloud thing anymore but that's OK, I feel like now it's time to "get serious". Like Linbaba said, I feel more balanced now. It's a good thing. I wish you nothing but the best and feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Dolly
Dolly - your honesty is great... you have no idea how much I needed to "re-read" all of these posts and especially yours... you helped me today so thanks!
I've been there too. I picked up !/2 pint of beer after 13 1/2 years, on 1 December '95. I still don't know why. Comlalcency, I guess. And attitdue. I never finished it, got myself back to my appartment, got my dog, and went for a long walk.
I've lost count how many people I've met who come into AA for a while, seem to be doing well, jump off the wagon......and then I hear they die. That really hit home to me on 29 December 2010. I was in a relationship with a lady who, when I met her, was apparently doing well. Doing all "the right things". She jumped off the wagon in 2005. A slow heart-breaking descent into ill-health until she got pi**ed. It seems she had a candle burning which fell down, lit a smouldering fire.......and then I get that dreaded call from the police. She was inherently one of the kindest, most decent people I have ever met. There will always be a huge hole in my life. So if anyone thinks they can get away with it.........
I find it difficult to get really close to others in the fellowship, mostly out of fear now. Because of experiences like that.
Be that as it may, I am grateful to be alive. I have a good chance WITHOUT that 1st drink. I am grateful to all who have taken an interest in my life and recovery.
Hello StevenS and welcome to the board. We have a couple of peeps in Liverpool. I wish that I was there myself Yes, AA does ruin your drinking and we can never go back. "Once a pickle, never a cucumber again".
Yes, AA does ruin your drinking and we can never go back. "Once a pickle, never a cucumber again". 