My name is Jeri, I'm 1 day away from having 4 months sober, but I'm at a crossroads with my sponsor. We've been working together for 3.5 months now, but I feel very stuck; as if I'm making no progress whatsoever. She's a very busy person and taking on tons of sponsees, but the main concern is that she has no time for me. When I try to talk to her I get about 3 minutes of time & no help or solution.
I'm really struggling with a lot these days and I'm afraid that with all that I have going on, I'm just a burden to her. She says she's always there for me, but actions speak louder than words, and while I know she cares, she just doesn't have the time, the patience, or even the ability to listen to me for more than 1 minute before she just throws out AA slogans with no answers towards solution.
I don't want to bounce from spnsor to sponsor, but I feel like I'm just not getting anywhere with the step work, because she has no time. She chastises me for not talking to her more, but when I truly try to, I get brushed aside or just told "This too shall pass."
Right now I'm in a LOT of pain and naturally I don't want to be feeling what I'm feeling, so my natural instinct is to drink & numb it all for a short period, but I KNOW I do not want to do that. But still I feel unsafe & unsteady enough that I'm having a mental battle within myself not to go drink to numb out the pain, I just need some help.
Do I keep my sponsor or find a new one? Or am I really too much of a burden and a hopeless case that maybe a sponsor can't do anything to help me.
I've had 3 years of being dry and then periodic months of sobriety over the past year. I've worked my steps one & have helped others. I'm always trying to be of service & do AA panels, volunteer at shelters, read the Big Book & 12&12, pray and meditat, journal... anything & everything... but I feel like that now I'm the one on shakey ground, no one is there for me.
What do I do? Any help or advice would be appreciated. Please, I'm begging for my life.
First off there isn't a law written that says you just gotta drink and also there is no justification for it expecially if what you wanna drink you mind, body, spirit and emotions are gonna turn on you for.
My sponsor clearly told me to find and use whatever or whoever was available to me to gain and maintain my sobriety. One of the most humble and helpful things he ever directed me to.
My name is Jerry and you can have anything my sponsor told me and for that matter anything that ever worked to help me gain and maintain my sobriety. I just love lots of input... ((((hugs))))
Talk to someone who knows the two of you in real life, as in don't go answer shopping per se, but reach out to someone who has significant time, whom you trust, and who has what you want (sobrietywise)
Also I found it -incredibly- helpful to build a support group, reliance/dependence on any -one- human was a recipe for disater for me, I needed to "process" (whinge) for hours, days, weeks, and months in the early going, putting that entire burden on one person wasn't fair.
I will listen to my sponsees to a certain extent, but I am not a marriage counselor, financial advisor, or therapist, my job is to get them through the steps and share my experience, strength, and hope, and my ESH in this instance was being told to go to more meetings and build a support group.
I have changed sponsors for a number of reasons over the years, and if I wasn't getting through the steps with my current sponsor I would definately consider finding someone who had a bit more time, but I don't think anyone could give you a definitive answer based on a few paragraphs on an internet forum, but we can offer -our- support and offer you "vent' here in conjunction with a real "live" support group you build. I literally spent 3 hours a day on the phone my first few years it seems like, when I wasn't actually out with my support group, sobriety was a full time job for me full of trials and tribulations, the fact they have proven to be entirely make believe and all in my mind wasn't helpful to me then, but it did help to know, like to look down and say to myself "where are my feet?" "Am I safe -right now-?"
The phone and meetings, meetings and more meetings coupled with frequent activities with others with varying degrees of sobriety and -especially- reaching out to newcomers got me through those first turbulent years, not just relying on my sponsor and working the steps, I had to utilize -all- the tools that AA had to offer.
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I go to 4 meetings a day/night, I volunteer & be of service, I hold many commitments, I cll sober friends regularly, but I really need to be working my steps and my sponsor is unable to help me with that at this time. She has no tie & is more insterested in spilling her problems onto me, than listening to ANY thing I have going on. She doesn't even help me work through simply issues, let alone bigger issues. We are at a complete impasse, and while I love her immensly, it is not helping me move forward through the steps or progress at all. I have a support group, but all they say i "This too shall pass."
I realizze that this isn't the best place to get advice, when you know nothing of me... I just wish that there was someone who would be willing to listen & work those steps with me. I dont need help on finance or any other issue but dealing with my issues as far as working the steps & guiding me towards progress (not perfection). Sorry for sounding like I'm whining. I'll end this now. Good luck to you.
Hi Jeri and welcome. Sounds like you have some turmoil going on and can't find the answers you need right now. I say if you're not getting what you need from your current sponsor, then find someone else with a little more patience. Just make sure it's for the right reasons Jeri.. I've been there where you are, doing allot of service work, working the steps, so on and so on. At the end of the day I was getting uncomfortable in my skin, it wasn't my sponsors fault. I was getting really impatient and I was emotionally stuck in recovery. I wound up staying with my sponsor and as a result I'm a stronger person for it. There are really no magic bullets to ease the pain and frustration we encounter in recovery, and as my sponsor used to tell me "Sometimes all you can do is sit still and hurt" he wasn't big on the slogans and such with me because he knew I would experience each one of them the longer I stayed sober lol.. And trust me, I've learned them the hard way haha.
If there's one lesson that I could pass on to you, it's trust your belly. you know what's right and wrong for you, and if it's a new sponsor you seek, then get a new sponsor. But always look to see what your part is when you end a relationship, and if you're wrong, promptly admit it and move on.
Hope this helps a little and Remember, just because we accrue a little time doesn't mean we don't have our own shit to deal with too lol..
Good luck and above all else stay sober, you'll need to help someone else with this one day :)
-- Edited by The Addiction Club on Thursday 19th of January 2012 06:38:05 AM
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
It's not going to kill you to find a sponsor with less sponsees and more time for you. I wound up having to do that (though for me it was at just over a year sober). My new sponsor is retired and has way more sobriety time than the sponsor I had in my first year of sobriety. This sponsor is the one that I really did the stepwork with.
Jeri - Just pray about this and relax. Don't make it into a huge drama. Also, I would look into why you are so easily upset with others when they give you feedback which is not the exact thing you want to hear. You are ready to run off from here after 2 people said things that didn't give you ultimate clarity. If that is the way you approach things, you are going to have problems with any sponsor. I would be inclined to just throw slogans at you and say "this too shall pass" because you have taken issue with everything everyone has said on the board already.
This does remind me of myself in early sobriety. I basically was screaming "I'm needy" and cursing "that's not what I need!" at people in the same breath. Have you ever thought about responding differently to the experience, strength, and hope given to you? How about "Thanks for responding guys. You've given me lots to think about" instead "That didn't help. That wasn't the answer I was looking for!" Nobody is going to be able to help you when you act like that. In fact, the whole program relies on being able to take feedback and rely upon the guidance of elders. This could be an even bigger problem for you than the issue of sponsorship.
Not trying to judge you cuz it was a really crappy place to be for me and you will get through this.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
What kind of pain are you in? Just curious, because I drank because of physical pain, emotional pain, and every other reason I could think of... just curious...
