I posted on here a while ago about being at a sober bottom, it has gotten better, than worse, then better, then worse. I want to articulate this the best that I can. I came on on fire, with all of the willingness in the world. Worked through the steps with my sponsor, and got the corresponding promises with each step, had a great connection with my higher power, and was gratefull, happy, and spiritually fit. I however believe that i got complacent. One day I realized that my defects were glaring, and back. I went to say a quick prayer and nothing happened. I believe my ego snuck in... or i allowed it in. For the past 8 months i've been playing what feels like mr. fix it, thinking maybe I need to make an amends, or maybe i need to do another fourth step, all the while being unaware that all i was trying to do was make myself feel better. In the process I managed to somehow lose my foundation. I've been bouncing off of the bottom for quite some time now, frantically trying to get up...More meetings, new sponsor, trying to help others, praying longer and harder, etc. It's gotten worse. I have a mental obsession to drink, and all sorts of crazy thoughts, i.e. you need to drink and come back for this to get better. You rested on your laurels, and are irrepairable. Agnostic thoughts, etc. I find my disease talking to me in meetings, saying things like "you havent concieded to your inner most self youre an alcoholic, you're unique, your way worse off than any of these people." all of the things I commonly hear relapsers say after they come back. Ive been trying to talk to god a lot, but i feel like its not sincere, and my willingness is shot through. I'm very scared, and realize that what i have now is an alcoholic mind, 24/7. I don't know what to do. I want to surrender, but my ego wont allow it. I feel absolutely powerless but my ego wont allow me to throw my hands up. It is pure powerlessness. I'm about a year and a half sober. I walk around with a smile on my face, and i can't help it. I feel like the old Nick, minus the drink, lies, and hurting of others. Please can anyone help?
Hey Nick, sober bottoms are very common for us, especially early in recovery. We stop putting stuff in for a while and everything seems to be going good and then all of a sudden the disease pops up and says hi you're still a drunk and you're useless, come back to me, I always loved you and i'll make it better. It's ok man you're doing fine, this is common. Don't drink under any circumstances, it will only make things much much worse. Get around sober people and talk about what's going on like you did here, try to do it in person. I've gone through it a few times in my sobriety man and I know it sucks, but it's paramount to your recovery to work through it, it will make you stronger and it will give you the strength and knowledge when it's time to help someone else as they go through it. Defects don't go away just because we stop drinking man, nor should they (they took alot of time and effort to create) they're something we need to honestly ask our higher power to remove and then make an honest effort to not repeat that same behavior. I know right now it feels like your world is falling apart and it's very confusing to say the least but it will pass, it's all part of the freedom from bondage of thyself. (it's not supposed to be easy)
Read the 3rd, 7th, and especially the 11th step prayers over and over til you fall asleep, it will help you get through the night when you need it if you can't get around people or your unable to call someone.
I can totally relate to where you are, I've been there myself.
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
Welcome back. I've been through a few Dry Drunks in my time also, fortunately I have always seemed to hit a bottom after a week or two and get back on track.
Marc had a lot of good thing to say.
For me, I just need to remember my best thinking got me to AA and recovery. My life was shit and about the only thing I can take credit for is walking though the doors and accepting the gift that God and the people in the rooms gave me.
Just praying to God to give me something doesn't work, I have to turn it over to God, pray for a knowlege of his will and the power to carry it out. I need to get out of self and into humility. Get to the meetings early and help make coffee and set up, shake hands at the door, visit 1/2 way houses, jails and treatement center meetings, help newcomers and offer support on this site.
Look at SoberSteve above, he doesn't have all the answers, but he has 678 posts, most of them are a form of him "getting out of self", offering encouragement and support of others, that's working the 3d step. If he had 4 posts since Mid November and they all revolved around him getting help from others and he never thought about helping others, one might consider that being stuck in self.
One of the greatest attributes of AA was that it took an ego driven Gonee and transformed him into a full time member of AA. As a full time worker, I get to work "24/7/365", get "paid" spiritually with grace to stay sober and whatever else I might need and also "recruit new ones" to our job. For the last 23+ years, I have never had a compulsion to drink any alcohol in any form and that is because I took AA very seriously. For me it is a question of life and death. Every single day that I get up, my very first thought is AA, and my brothers and sisters who are still suffering. It has never been about me. "ME" I take to my heavenly Father in prayer and He promises to take care of everything. There is nothing impossible for God.
Thanks for your honest sharing. Work even harder now and you will see in retrospect one day that it pays off and what looked like a filmsy reed was actually the hand of God.
Nick, I went in and out a dozen times in the first two years before "surrendering". What helped me "make it" was going to meetings every day for the first 3.5 years. That's how badly I wanted it. Not only does this have to be our primary purpose, but for many of us it has to be our Only purpose for a while. Crank it up a couple of notches, and Welcome back.
I would suggest to stop looking at AA as the only thing that is going to make you happy. AA will primarily teach you how to be sober and happiness is generally a byproduct of that. You can analyze your program to death...and at that point your disease will take over as you have caught onto yourself... OR...you could look at your life as a whole, analyze your fears and find the real root of your unhappiness.
1 old behavior I had was to rip myself constantly and that drove me to drink. Be gentle with yourself Nick, but pursue you dreams and don't be afraid. Instead of ripping apart your program and yourself - Think about ways you can grow. You have the basic tools at 18 months sober but it is a painful and scary thing to go out there in the world and actually live it differently. AA tools will not make you happy if all you do is use them in AA. You will feel stuck and wondering why you don't have a life and this usually does happen at about your timeframe in sobriety.
Nick, now that you are sober for a year and a half you can benefit from trying some things that you could never do when you were imprisoned by your alcoholism. Also, you have more insight now and can actually benefit from psychotherapy as well (it never worked on me when I was drinking - go figure, but it has helped me a lot in sobriety).
You are not going to find happiness by ripping yourself. Keep up with your meetings, sponsor, helping others, but also live life and enjoy your new freedom. If you cannot find happiness or stop your self-defeating thoughts in this way, you might look into getting outside help for depression (it is a real possibility and treating it does not run counter to working an AA program).
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Been there and done (doing) that myself also...normal and human for the alcoholic...relapse doesn't always mean returning to drinking. It wasn't always about drinking...often times I didn't drink and still things seemed unmanageable. Sometime when they weren't unmanageable I second guessed myself into insanity anyway. Mind screwing myself was one of the terms and I needed to stay out of my mind because it was a dangerous neighborhood. Letting my Higher Power lead me to sanity means Listening and Not Talking. Kick all those other people out of my head and dead bolt the door and then go sit and listen so that when my HP talks I will hear.
Also sounds like a lot of self judgement and resentment...HP doesn't do that to you why sould you do it to yourself?
Like Pink Chip suggested add to the program you now have.
Hey Nick, I havent been sober nearly as long as you but I have had the same feelings arise. Ive found myself feeling like Ive gotten past the bad stuff and everything is blue sky ahead, and then all of the sudden im down on my face thinking "Im a Noone, Ive stopped drinking but Im still the same loser" etc and it all just makes me want to walk one block over to my liquor store and throw down a bill for a bottle. I have the same old thing in my head as the time before AA, "Ill just do it once", "If I get drunk, or only buy 4 beers, Ill be fine" but I have not given into it because I know that if i have ONE drink, I am gonna be drinking again and again and EVERYTHING will simultanously go downhill and I will be even worse off and I dont want to start bringing down the foundation which has started to grow as a result of me being sober. You sound like someone who has had some really positive results from being sober but you are falling into what you call a "sober bottom". If you find yourself wanting to get drunk, try reminding yourself of the things that led you here in the first place, try talking to sober people and try to reflect on the downside of being drunk and the upside of sobriety.
Very interesting to hear about this from all of you, and kind of scary. Thanks to all for sharing so people like me can be better prepared for this to happen, and on the look out for it. Feeling really blessed... and wishing you the best Nick... you've helped me stay sober today : )
I recently returned to AA after a year of dryness. 1. Thats where I was, where you are and I decided a change of thinking was in order, per the Twelve and Twelve. Ironically the first message I heard at my first meeting back. 2. If your anylitical like me, your setting yourself up but making mountains out of molehills. Unable to keep it simple. 3. Ill pray for ya and hope we both get back where we need to be.
