I'm only sober a couple of weeks, but I'm naturally working through the steps. They are happening to me, without my even really trying all that hard. Just the idea that I have this cure in my grips, has moved me through these first three steps with my HP. Even the spiritual awakening which I thought I would be stuck at forever. It happened, and it was AMAZING! So after reading and working through step 3, I feel ready to move onto step 4. I called my sponsor today, to ask about how I should go about it, and that I didn't want to keep working on the steps alone. I've been trying to keep her informed of all that is happening to me. She told me she was going to just have me keep going to meetings, and start me over on the steps anyway, so not to even think about step 4. I can't not think about it. I can't re-have a spiritual awakening for her, and I certainly don't need to admit to any more people or myself that I'm an alcoholic. I'd shout it off the roof! I'm not sure if I should take her advice and just idle for a while and start over, or go with how I'm feeling, and maybe get a new sponsor? I am in no hurry to just get them done or anything like that... so what is your advice?
Hi Tasha, I cannot give you advice, but can only share my own experience, strength, and hope. I worked through the steps more slowly than that, but quicker than some. I stayed in step one until about 55 days sober, then worked through step 2 with sponsor relatively quickly because I was already grasping the HP concept and was ready. Step 3 at 75 days, and didn't get to step 4 until 90 days into the program, going to lots of meetings, got a homegroup and a service position. It took me two months to do a thorough step 4 and was ready to do step 5 with my sponsor at 5 months sober. So, on average I worked about a step per month. In between the steps I went to lots of meetings and got active in the fellowship. I read and journaled about entries from the Big Book, Daily Reflections, and Twelve and Twelve.
Though I was eager and willing to rush through the steps, my sponsor informed me that it is better to do each step intentionally and as best as I could well before moving forward. My sponsor told me that THERE IS NO GRADUATION from this thing, so no real benefit from hurrying through. That being said, I have heard that in the beginning, Bill W. worked the steps in a mere 3 weeks!
I would say that before dumping your sponsor, have a face to face discussion with her and share with her your reasons for wanting to move forward. Then, actively listen to her reasons for what she is suggesting and keep in mind that SHE is the one who has what you want. Most likely if you want what she has you are going to have to do what she did to get there. Be humble and teachable. Remember, as smart and savvy as you are, YOU are the newcomer! Your best thinking got you here.
Aloha Tasha...no advise here either or suggestion...simple experience from within my own journey...Step 1 for me was a necessary early lesson on letting go and trusting others. I couldn't trust my own thinking cause I had blown that out completely and I had absolutely no idea about what the problem was and therefore the solution to it. It was me getting in my own way so tools like trust and patience and early acceptance were very important. Others have the solutions I need and on them I rely.
Hi Tasha, I really want to say keep going and at the same time, slow down and let your sponsor guide you. The first three steps are the foundation of the program. She may have some written exercises for you to do. I like my sponcees to write a few things to help solidify their understanding of their drinking "MO". What the thoughts preceding the drink, then the behavior, consequences...
Do you admire your sponsor and how she conducts herself? Does she have a peaceful calm nature and a way with words? Do you want what she has, we like to say?
I'm only sober a couple of weeks,... so what is your advice?
The 1st time I sat down with the guy I asked to be a sponser, I wanted him to explain everything there was to know about A.A. and getting 'cured' over dinner. He told me to relax, that I wasn't running a race and gave me an assignment to read about step 2.
My advise would be to keep going to meetings every day. Start attending some of the meetings your sponser goes to. Get to know her. Give her a chance to get to know you.
My way never worked in the past, so when I entered the program and got my sponsor, I followed the advice of many in my group and did exactly what she told me to do, even if I didn't get the "why" of it. After all, I chose her because she has what I want, so I figure the way to get it is to follow her suggestions. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
so not to even think about step 4. I can't not think about it. I can't re-have a spiritual awakening for her, and I certainly don't need to admit to any more people or myself that I'm an alcoholic. I'd shout it off the roof! I'm not sure if I should take her advice and just idle for a while and start over, or go with how I'm feeling, and maybe get a new sponsor? I am in no hurry to just get them done or anything like that... so what is your advice?
Hi Tasha,
It's great to hear you are doing well and moving along and so excited about getting sober and having a better life. It's good that you are taking initiative and working on your program.
I don't think anyone would want to undo your spiritual experience, and I wouldn't look your sponsors suggestion as back-tracking. Your sponsor just wants to do her job and explain the steps to give you a good foundation for long term soberity.
I think you are taking it wrong, as long as you keep going to meetings, learning, and trying to grow spiritually you will never be moving backwards.
I like to see the people I sponsor put the 3d step in action for a while before working much on the 4th. There is more to #3 than just making a one time decision and saying the prayer. I/we need to work this step everyday, renew the decision and get out of self and into God and put it all into action in their lives.
My experience is you need to really understand and work on getting out of self to look at self. If you can't do a proper job looking at self, there is no chance to do a decent 4th step.
Keep up the good work!
-- Edited by Rob84 on Thursday 12th of January 2012 11:25:23 PM
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I thought I knew everything soon after I got started in the program too. :) Part of working the first three steps is about practicing humility -- including by listening to your sponsor and others who have been sober for a while rather than assuming you know what's the right path.
I love the AA-ism that "my best thinking is what got me here -- so maybe I should listen to someone else's best thinking for awhile."
Thanks all for your words. I sat down with a lady last night that explained to me that what I'm feeling is the "pink cloud" of early sobriety, and that there are a lot of people that do not show up to AA with the attitude that I do, but rather, feel sorry for themselves, and are not truly ready to work the program in the early days. Who are still struggling with admitting there disease to themselves and others, and are still lost spiritually for a long time. That a lot of people who come to AA, come for a bit, and then quit. She thought maybe my sponsor was in "burn out" mode after seeing this over and over. That was something I never thought about, or realized happened. Of course I assumed that everyone felt like me after getting through the doors of AA. Anyway, after I explained to her that talking with my sponsor left me with feelings squelched, and not as confident as what I normally would be, she thought I should find someone who would keep the momentum going, and start reading the book with me. I felt such a relief to have someone to finally share my experiences with every day! I have been just BURSTING with all of this, and when I would call my sponsor to tell her about it, she'd give me the "uh huh". I'm sure now that how people go about getting sober can be very drastically different. That not all people probably feel like I do in the beginning. It's very simple to me. I can never drink again. Period. Simple cure. Compared to my prior thoughts my whole life: I can control this if I just try harder. Quit for a while, then think I was in control, and not be. Round and round and round. Never ever realizing that this was a disease that I would never ever be able to control, and that I was not like other people. It just clicked for me after I started reading the BB. So I'm learning, but one thing I know for sure: I'll have this disease forever. I'll never stop going to AA, because it's the only cure... and I will never drink again. Maybe that doesn't come easy for most.
Whatever works for you Tasha. Just be careful not to take to much exception with your sponsors. When you go shopping around for opinions, you are always going to find one or several people to back you up and that wont always make it right. There is no harm in doing these steps at a fast pace as long as you know you will be doing them over probably. I will tell you my own experience which is that I wanted to blaze through all the steps and talked about them as though I fully understood them. To a degree I had worked them out in my head. My sponsor wanted me to calm myself down and try practicing the first 3 steps my whole first year in sobriety. In retrospect, I did need some time to live sober and get my bearings so that I could work the steps with a clearer head. I have had this discussion a gazillion times on this board and the great majority of those people who claimed to have worked all the steps by 6 months sober are no longer around...Yet somehow I am. I will also caution that an even greater percent that never worked the steps at all are no longer around so working them fast is WAY better than not at all. Anyhow... When people say "Wishing you a slow recovery" I get what that means. Slow and steady wins the race. There is much to do in AA that it sounds like you are not even thinking about. Have you made coffee? Have you been a greeter? Have you gotten other folks' numbers in AA and called them. Have you worked on making a new sober support network. Or...have you been headstrong in your focus on finishing these steps in record time to the extent of not even paying attention to these things and writing off your old sponsor.
In my experience, the people that I have seen who are claiming to have worked all the steps by a few months sober are just walking zealots who want to willfully force themselves experience, strength, and hope without going through the experiences of staying sober over the long run. It takes quite some time to let the steps take root in your life and to gain perspective as a sober individual. There will always be 2 sides to any coin and AA is such that you can literally use vernacular and ideas to back up 2 opposite viewpoints as is the case in this discussion cuz I have gotten into it about 534239408234092832342342 times...Calling Linbaba...it's time to argue and call each other names (LOL).
Anyhow, I agree that you have a pink cloud going on. I think that is great cuz you should embrace happiness when you feel it. I think that "new sponsor" fed you some horse crap though about "not everyone being as special as you coming into AA." Once you weed out people going in to get papers signed and those in rehab or cuz their families are making them, you have the generic newcomer alcoholic which is just like you. I came in with the same attitude and needed to be told to just sit still and listen, learn, and to get involved in the middle of AA (service, functions, conferences, sober dances, benefits...all of that).
Keep your enthusiasm because that will keep you sober. You are special Tasha and your recovery is a miracle, but don't look for ways that you differ too much from other alcoholics. Just try to channel that enthusiasm across all areas of the program. When you get to 3 month sober start chairing meetings....take on service. Just my suggestion.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks for your words Mark. I see you are trying to help me as best you know how. I really appreciate you taking the time. I can see how you may have interpreted that I am in a hurry to go through the steps. Although the opposite is actually true, I can see how that could have gotten confusing. I'm a woman Mark. I really really love to talk about my feelings!!!!!!!!!!! LOL I really needed someone to talk to about all that was happening and how they correlated with the steps I kept hearing at AA every night. My old sponsor was not there for me in that way unfortunately. My new sponsor and I were able to talk on the phone for almost two hours yesterday! It was just what I needed and have been waiting for! I am going to her house for tea tomorrow, and we will start reading the BB together. I can't wait. In the two weeks that I've been going to AA, I have collected over 7 phone numbers from different woman, and got through to three of them so far, but with peoples busy schedules, it's hard to not feel like a bit of a burden. My new sponsor is retired, and has lots of time, and I need it right now. I'm home with my kids all day. They can push me over the edge sometimes, and I feel like a bad Mama if I yell, and then overly apologize. That was a huge trigger for me to drink in the past. She has been through all of the same things and it's wonderful! I really do hope to do the steps as slow as it takes to truly and honestly feel I understand them. I can't wait to do them over and over again for the rest of my life. What a great opportunity to be a part of this kind of guidance that you wouldn't normally get otherwise! And for me personally, it has been great to "get out of the house".
It's insightful that you mentioned being a greeter/helper etc. at the meetings. At my second meeting, I baked 200 cookies, and brewed some of my freshly ground organic coffee. I hoped it would break the ice to help meet people, because I'm pretty shy otherwise, and it did. After being to 10 different meetings in the last 14 days, I have decided on a home group so that I can be a better "service". It does make such a huge difference when you feel like you belong somewhere... and you're right, I couldn't have and didn't know that in those first days. I do feel like I'm one in a million, and you are too. I love that my sponsor has that same positive attitude... like you said, we are all miracles. It is really hard to see all the people who are only at the meetings because they have to be. Or smell the booze on their breath... hopefully some one some day will help them realize and believe they are special too.
It's sunny out here in central WI. That doesn't happen all too often up here in Jan. I am going to go outside and play! Thanks again... signing off.
