I just wanted to introduce myself. I am new to this board, and I guess I wanted to find some extra support right now in my life. I got sober almost two years ago (as of Febuary 1st) I was a blackout drinker, and I started very young, about 10 years old. The end of my drinking was horrible, but I was lucky to have the man of my dreams stand by me the whole time and force me to get help or he would leave. Hes still here today :).My whole life has changed for the better with sobriety, more than I would ever imagine. I am having trouble now though because I feel like my black-out days are coming back to haunt me. I received a text message today from some man claiming to know me and saying crude things. I quickly changed my number, but I will never know if something happened in a blackout or not. I wanted to know, to those who've recovered, how do you deal with your past and who you were when you were drinking? I am a happy, different person with self esteem today and I attend meetings regularly, but I'm frightened by my past and wish it would go away. Any suggestions or is anyone going through the same thing? Thanks! And Happy New Year everyone!
I wanted to know, to those who've recovered, how do you deal with your past and who you were when you were drinking? I am a happy, different person with self esteem today and I attend meetings regularly, but I'm frightened by my past and wish it would go away.
Sunflower hello and welcome to the board. Have you worked all the steps with a sponsor yet? All of those fears, feelings, questions, will/would be addressed during that process. Yes I did have a lot of blackouts, maybe over a 100. Mostly during this several year sour mash whiskey drinking phase. I don't know how I didn't die, crash a car, or hurt anyone. I did get arrested a half dozen times, got charged with two DUIs. I woke up with minor injuriers a bunch a times from falling down. I was lucky I never got the crap beat of out me, maybe because I was a "happy drunk". .
It takes awhile, to build our sober identities, as we mature, change, we really become new people. I think that the fear and shame leaves after completing steps 4-9. I know that by making quite of few 9th steps ammends, other folks that knew me heard about my getting sober and change of behavior ect... It's a process not an event. I'd say that somewhere between 3 and 5 years I got real comfortable with my sobriety and my new way of life. The best ammends is just that.
Hey Sunflower..Welcome to MIP...Congrats on 2 years ,a true miracle. For me, Our solution, the steps applied in our attitudes and behavior guided by God (of your understanding) and a sponsor gives me that daily reprieve and peace .Our goal is not just abstinence but recovery through the steps.I also had many fears about some of my past but through a "searching and fearless(God guided) 4th Step ,immediately followed by a 5th(see God and I always knew what was in the very dark corners) it was releasing to another human being that brought me the freedom and so on to being entirely ready,humbly asking, making a list,and becoming willing,make direct amends,the daily inventory( and my favorite)seeking that "concious contact" with my God and carrying our message,with that new understanding of our higher power gained thru spiritual awakenings developed by working with others in in their process,working an honest program and becoming a vision of hope, an example that the program works and an attraction to those still sick and suffering.Have faith ,step out and free yourself,we are human ,we will have anxieties and falter at times but with that "fit spiritual condition FEAR WILL TAKE FLIGHT AS YOUR FAITH STANDS FIRM...Happy New year ,stick around WE need you...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Well....I recommend really thinking about this on a spiritual level. If you had not gone through every bit of suffering and humiliation that you did as a result of your alcoholism, it would not have set you up to be sober as long as you have. That misery is part of your foundation for sobriety and in some ways, you can be grateful for it because it is part of what will "keep it green" as they say for the rest of the life that you have to be sober. After several years living with you "dream man" and settling down and what not, what is going to keep you sober then? Hopefully lots of things, but for me, my memories of the anguish I went through at the end of my drinking and the difficulties of early sobriety are at the top of what keeps me sober. I NEVER NEVER want to go through that again having gotten to this point. Hence I don't regret the past - I am sure you can identify with these feelings.
Bless you and welcome!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Sunflower- Glad you're here. I haven't been sober very long and this isn't the first time I have tried, but I know that in previous attempts dealing with my past was a big problem. I would dwell on things that I could not change and things that did not matter until I was miserable. I always had this feeling that I had been such a rotten person that I somehow needed to pay for all of my bad deeds so, to me, being miserable was what I deserved at the time. That kind of thinking never got me anywhere. Since I have been back in the rooms I have been trying hard not to slip back into this kind of negative, punishing thought. I am much happier and ok with me when I think realistically about it. When I put chemicals into my body I'm not a good person. I lie, I cheat and I hurt the ones I love the most. However, when I'm sober I don't act this way. I can't pretend that my past didn't happen because it did. Drunk, sober or otherwise, I did the things that I did and have to deal with consequences as they arise. Sometimes I wish my past would go away too, but as others have said, remembering can be a healthy thing, dwelling or worrying isn't. Also, and I can only speak for myself here, but 99% of the things I spent time worrying about never happened and the other one percent I didn't see coming anyway. When I realized this (actually I think I read it and it applied to me) it changed me. There is absolutely nothing that can be done to change the past, but if I work on me and I'm in a good spot spiritually I will be able to handle things that come up from my past a lot better than I would if I had spent that time biting my nails waiting for shit to hit the fan. Best wishes and remember, when you have one foot in yesterday and the other in tomorrow you're pissing on today.
Hi Sunflower, I'm Denise L. and I am new to this board too. I know how it feels to be afraid of your past. I also started blacking out at the end and do not remember many things. I finally attacked several cops when they tried to arrest me and that was the beginning of the end for me. I have been sober 3 years. I started working the steps right away and many of my fears went away. My sponsor told me that fear either stands for " f everything and run" or "face everything and recover." You can do it. The steps are a miracle.
Thank you everyone, I'm glad to be here. I am still freaking out about the text message, my phone was new so I don't know how this person got my number. I know this will pass, but if I ever did something like cheat on my fiancé in a blackout I would just die! On the bright side, I am healthy and sober and I guess the past is the past. I just feel angry someone is raining on my parade! It feels so much better to know that people can relate to me and understand, I really appreciate you all for sharing advice and stories. I know I have to start workIng the steps even though they scare me... Thank you all and best of luck!:)
I know this will pass, but if I ever did something like cheat on my fiancé in a blackout I would just die! On the bright side, I am healthy and sober and I guess the past is the past. I just feel angry someone is raining on my parade! It feels so much better to know that people can relate to me and understand, I really appreciate you all for sharing advice and stories. I know I have to start workIng the steps even though they scare me...
I can tell you that I'm scared for you. The distraction of serious relationship, and getting married, while attempting to get sober is huge impediment to real sobriety. A person in a relationship, in early sobriety (if you haven't worked the steps yet, you're a perpetual newcomer) will, in affect, say to themselves "I'm ok I've got HIM, why I should I work the steps?". Getting sober is all about walking through fear and facing our feelings. Most alcoholics are codependents that mood alter in relationships. If we're doing this, we're switching addictions and we're Not getting sober. Sooner or later, the fear of that person leaving us (Abandonment) will cause us to sabotage the relationship (Perpetuating our own abandonment). It's text book stuff. The feelings about the past, in your original post along with not working this program is pretty telling. I've seen this story a hundred times and it rarely ends well. Get busy and stop fooling yourself.
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