In my last 10 or 15 years of drinking when I was to the point of I didn't want to live without drinking and I didn't want to live drinking, I used to wonder why I was always "blessed?" with being saved a journey to jail, institution or death.
My grandson is 8. Due to a # of circumstances he has spent most of those 8 years with me. Over the last 4 years, while I have been trying so hard to completely give myself to this program, he has seen very little drinking and been to a # of open meetings, breakfast meetings, and social events.
Last night I asked him if he wanted to go with me to my usual Friday night girls night dinner before the meeting. He is always asked and he always says no. Last night he surprised me with a yes. We had an enjoyable dinner as usual and then he and I headed to the hall to make the coffee.
We had a great speaker with a great delivery and message. Corbyn giggled a # of times and a # of times when the speaker talked of even when he was young he felt different, I saw Corbyn get wide eyed and really pay attention. (he has always had a lot of trouble in school and has few friends)
We live in a small town, about 3000, and we have a couple of police officers as members. One of them brought his girlfriend to the meeting. She happened to be an active officer who works in Corbyns school and knows Corbyn. He was excited to see her and to say hi to her. She introduced herself and we chatted a bit. It clearly made Corbyn happy to see a couple of parts of his world chatting together
I don't know what goes on in the mind of an 8 year old as he sits and listens but I am sure that over this many years at least seeds must be taking root.
Alcoholism goes back a # of generations in our family on both sides and I am sure his chances are less than others of drinking normally when the time comes.
Later in the evening as I reviewed the days events it occurred to me that while I was unable to help my son ( currently in prison for his 8th DUI) I just may be being guided to change my grandsons future.
Especially not in regards to helping specific people, that is an unhealthy path for me because then it becomes "controlling" and "love with strings" and it means I am "Playing God"
Over the years I have "impacted" many people, helped many people, and the truth is, what I learned, was all those times I thought I was being REALLY helpful, it...wasn't that important, I was playing God really trying to control outcomes for other peoples lives
My most "powerful" sponsee, the one with nearly 20 years, that has helped FAR more alcoholics then I ever will in my lifetime, the biggest thing, the most helpful thing I did for him, the biggest impact I had in his life, is when I let him down......and got drunk
I had been sponsoring him for a few years and he worshiped me, he placed me on a pedestal, then when he saw me stagger out of a bar one day, he realized this disease could take anyone out, THAT's when his Program kicked into high gear and he threw himself into helping others, many fourth steps later, and by talking to many many alcoholics over the years, I have discovered I have had the most profound impact on their lives when I wasn't paying attention, the fact I was nice to a newcomer the first meeting, got him a cup of coffee and gave him a hug, the time when I was still drinking and I told an alcoholic I couldn't drink with him any more, he was too crazy (I was his lower companion evidently, and being kicked to the curb by ones lower companion evidently constitutes a bottom)
I have been given sobriety and the power to help others, but it's my life that is the power, not -me-, it's a subtle distinction, but for me it's the difference between healthy and co-dependent, and it's one of THE most important lessons I have ever learned, Yeah, I'm God's instrument, but not when I think I am, not when I am trying to control outcomes, but when I am following "The Path", being a good example, and displaying unconditional loving kindness
Gonee explains it very well here:
gonee wrote:
At our group meeting last night, we were asked to reflect on the year 2011. My sharing was about continued inventory [step10], prayer & meditation to improve my conscious contact with God [ step 11], and working with others [ step 12]. I have done this for 23 years and it works.
God has restored me to sanity. When I was new in AA and tempted to drink alcohol, God had provided a defense for me. As I improve my contact with God, He has revealed more & more of His wisdom to me. I have extended periods of peace & serenity.
If I am disturbed, work with another alcoholic solves that problem. But generally I aim for fit spiritual condition. Just like physical exercise keeps my body fit, spiritual exercise keeps my spirit fit. I try not to stress and worry.
God is in charge. I am glad that God can do for me what I cannot do for myself. It all started with a filmsy reed & weak belief 23 years ago. Today it's a solid tree and faith that does not faint. AA is a design for living that works.
-- Edited by LinBabaAgo-go on Saturday 31st of December 2011 10:14:48 AM
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
This could be reframed "Do you ever wonder what God's will is for you?" Of course. But not as much as I used to. Since having a program in place, I am more likely to gravitate towards what my purpose is (even if I make a few wrong turns along the way).
I also agree that helping others is the key ingredient and it sounds like you recognize that too (as well as was stated by Linbaba)
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
You are right Pinkchip that is not only the better title "Gods will" it is also what I meant. The fact that that is what I meant is reflected in my last sentance when I say "I just may be being guided to change my grandsons future. " LinBaba I don't for a second think or want to "play God" I had my fill of doing that when I was drinking.
I am new enough in the program to wonder (using your words) if I am "impacting" my grandson in a healthy way, using my words I wonder if I am carrying out Gods will for me. I also remembered last night when I was reflecting on the day that it says in step 11 to pray only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out. I do this every day and I guess I am new enough to wonder at the end of the day if what I did thru the day was His will or mine. Because I never again want to do just my will. I also reflected on tradition 11 (not that I have been here long enough to remember that where I saw it was in tradition 11, had to look that up) which talks about attraction rather than promotion. I am new enough to wonder if that is what I am doing, with not just my grandson but with anyone who might be in my small circle.
I don't get up and decide today I will help so and so by doing XYZ. I get up and pray and then go about my day doing what feels right and doing the DO things that I have learned to do in AA. LinBaba I have also been given the gift of sobriety but that is as far as it goes for me. I don't have the power to help anyone else UNLESS they happen to be helped thru my example of trying to live, 1 day at a time, a spiritual life. If they are helped it is my Gods will, not mine.
I am still new enough that I, maybe, don't express myself properly and am horrified when my posts get read wrong. The old me says hmmm maybe I should not be posting so much. The way I am learning to live now says maybe I should be considering my words carefully and if they are still coming from the heart then maybe I should only be concerned with my Higher Powers opinion and not feel I have to re-explain or apologise.
I hope you didn't read my post as criticism, but only sharing what my experience is, how to explain, it was a HUGE revelation for me to find out...that... in many instances what I -thought- was helpful wasn't, and what I thought was harmful, was actually helpful, Pink touches on this when he says "God's will, not mine"
How do I know it's God's will?
Because there it is.
It's just a lot less work for me to be a human "being" rather then a human "doing", and that was a profound lesson for me, yes my actions have impact on those around me, huge impact in many cases, but I don't get to decide what those moments are, this is just something I learned for myself, and I think is pertinent, not something anyone else necessarily needs to learn, just something I learned that your post made me think of
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
At 8 years old, I was already smoking cigarettes and experimenting with alcohol. Of course I was hanging out with 10 year olds that were hanging out with 12 year olds, who had brothers that were 16, 18... Pretty much missed my childhood as most people know it. My son also attended some AA meetings with me around 6-9 years old, perhaps later, I can't remember (early '90's)
Seeing someone living by a certain set of principals rather than in accord with their temprament , is something a child will hopefully pick up on , come to understand , learn from and admire eventually , hopefully you'll help break the chain of history , with any luck i'll live like that one day .
I try to teach my apprentices at work that almost everyone you meet is an unaware walking talking lesson in living and life , even if , like me , it's how not to be or do something :)
I don't really think of the future or my part in others as i'm worried my ego would take off and either make me feel inadequate and hopeless compaired to my formerly high ideals and dreams ( which i fail to achieve , being human ) or an overbearing and grandieous hero deciding and fixing things for people who are obviously inadequate or stupid in some way , either is not a good place for me to go if i want to stay sober . Again , no criticism meant , more a reflection upon my own experience and former ways .
For me,I believe the God of my understandings will for me is to be all God intended me to be, but I also believe God leaves the details up to me.I seek to make that my purpose "daily"and seek to be ,like our writings suggest " of maximum service to that God and others.Striving for that "concious contact" with God in all my affairs helps me stay on that path.Yes I do stumble and fall down, but I have a solution to get back up,and as long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear..I may not always be in tuned with what Gods will for me is, but I sure am pretty aware of what it ain't!!!Through practice, when I get around that area,I am more able then not ,to move toward the light. Only through God's grace(that unmerited favor for me) I have received. I also was stealing cigarettes and $$ for them at 10 years old and hanging with teen agers learning early "tricks of the trade/My first alcoholic black out and poisioning in 7th grade,they said they dragged me from the gutter ,foaming from the mouth and totally red and blotched.Out of school for days. weak in the knees.It was just the beginning,I rode on the downbound train to oblivion for the next 25 years,my purpose then seemed to be self destruction and it truly was only that grace that allowed me, I believe ,was the last choice to go on to the same or find a new way to live..I am truly grateful to have a purpose today,the peace and serenity when I am touching that area truly surpasses all understanding as it is God given....................
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks for sharing your story, I think it is great that your Grandson is going to some meetings, I've never know it to be a negitive. I'm sure you will both help each other.
Reminds me of a girl who used to go to meetings with her mother from around age 10 to 14, the girl is now about 19. Her Mom went back to drinking some years ago, the family is broken up, they girl lives on her own and attends the youth group at the Church where we have our Weds meeting. She ocasionally will hang out in the hall after the meeting to talk to some of the AA people who know her, I think she gets some comfort there. She is very nice and has a good head on her shoulders, but you can see the pain, reminds me of what a selfish disease this is.
Yes, I did wonder years ago what my purpose might be. I don't wonder anymore. They tell us "Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us."
So to "fit ourselfs", means get and keep own house in order/ work the steps. so we can be of benefit to God and help others.
Other than that, my purpose is to be happy and enjoy life.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
My purpose everyday is to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. When anyone anywhere reaches out I want the hand of AA to be there and for that I am responsible. God has given me this program to give to others. My choice if not AA was surely death. By choosing AA I chose to follow these principals as best I can every day.
So bottom line my purpose is to do what my higher power leads me to using the gifts he has given me.
Its funy how things have a way of taking off in a direction that was never itended. I simple wrote the first post because I had had such a awesome day. I just wanted to share a good day in sobriety. As a drunk I was used to whining about bad days and it feels different to want to share a good day.
I try and live each day following what has been suggested to me by AA. I try to live my day in a spiritual way. At night I try to review the day mentally. If it has been a challanging day, I try to understand what my role was in the days events and what needs to be changed or amended for the following day. If I have had a good day I really feel a lot of gratitude and I simply say a prayer of thanks for this sobriety and all that is good. Actually no matter if I have had a good day or a bad day I give thanks for my sobriety. On Friday past I had had a day that had ended in feeling like one of the promises from the BB was coming true for me.
One of my defects has always been that I am too quick to jump to assume something. I am afraid that I did that here too. I assumed that there were enough people on this forum that at least one person had moments of wondering why they had been spared death when they lived their lives so carelessly while engaging in active addiction. Surely I am not the only one who has gotten into a vehicle and taken it many miles at high rates of speed, squinting to make all the lines blur into 1 middle line, and arrived safe at a destination? Surely I am not the only one here who has actually planned a quiet, uninterruppted, adequate enough time for the bottle of pills to do the trick, only to be saved by some completely unforseen interupption? Surely I am not the only one here who after decades of daily heavy drinking has a doctor declare "your liver is working perfectly fine". The list goes on.
Am I the only one who wondered why I was spared when so many other people who have offered so much more have been taken? Maybe I am different and maybe I don't belong here because I did wonder that. And I do ask God to guide me in the direction that he has planned for me. I guess, unlike some of you, I believe my God works and cares for all people, not just alcoholics. And if my purpose here on earth is to live a life that breaks the cycle of addiction in this family, well that is wonderful in my books.
I don't consider wondering and questioning to be the same word. I would never question or second guess what my gut tells me is the path I am to follow, even if the path is not the one that carrys the most earthly rewards. Please don't get me wrong I don't wonder for the sake of trying to decide if I like it or not. I wonder so that I can then feel the sense of wonderment that I feel when I think of the amazing things that have to happen so that God can guide us along.
Its funy how things have a way of taking off in a direction that was never itended. I simple wrote the first post because I had had such a awesome day. I just wanted to share a good day in sobriety. As a drunk I was used to whining about bad days and it feels different to want to share a good day.
I try and live each day following what has been suggested to me by AA. I try to live my day in a spiritual way. At night I try to review the day mentally. If it has been a challanging day, I try to understand what my role was in the days events and what needs to be changed or amended for the following day. If I have had a good day I really feel a lot of gratitude and I simply say a prayer of thanks for this sobriety and all that is good. Actually no matter if I have had a good day or a bad day I give thanks for my sobriety. On Friday past I had had a day that had ended in feeling like one of the promises from the BB was coming true for me.
One of my defects has always been that I am too quick to jump to assume something. I am afraid that I did that here too. I assumed that there were enough people on this forum that at least one person had moments of wondering why they had been spared death when they lived their lives so carelessly while engaging in active addiction. Surely I am not the only one who has gotten into a vehicle and taken it many miles at high rates of speed, squinting to make all the lines blur into 1 middle line, and arrived safe at a destination? Surely I am not the only one here who has actually planned a quiet, uninterruppted, adequate enough time for the bottle of pills to do the trick, only to be saved by some completely unforseen interupption? Surely I am not the only one here who after decades of daily heavy drinking has a doctor declare "your liver is working perfectly fine". The list goes on.
Am I the only one who wondered why I was spared when so many other people who have offered so much more have been taken? Maybe I am different and maybe I don't belong here because I did wonder that. And I do ask God to guide me in the direction that he has planned for me. I guess, unlike some of you, I believe my God works and cares for all people, not just alcoholics. And if my purpose here on earth is to live a life that breaks the cycle of addiction in this family, well that is wonderful in my books.
I don't consider wondering and questioning to be the same word. I would never question or second guess what my gut tells me is the path I am to follow, even if the path is not the one that carrys the most earthly rewards. Please don't get me wrong I don't wonder for the sake of trying to decide if I like it or not. I wonder so that I can then feel the sense of wonderment that I feel when I think of the amazing things that have to happen so that God can guide us along.
Anyway that is enough from me.
Have a safe and happy 2012
Hi Donna,
I really appreciate the topics you bring up and the above post. I too have done many of the above and have been spared much tragety. If I got what I deserved I would probably be dead or in jail.
Thanks for the reminder of the gift we have all been given. We just need to accept it and keep giving it away to keep it.
I hope you don't take any of the posts as a personal reply to anything that you post.
I think you should take it as a compliment that some of the subjects you bring up inspire a lot of self serching posts on the behaf of others. I know they always get me thinking.
Take Care, Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I think my purpose is simple, to bring the Light and give as much love as I can. Love is the opposite of fear, so when I am being fearful, resentful, or letting anger get the best of me I am denying love, which is to say I am denying God. If I am denying God I am not keeping spiritually fit, and my sobriety is in danger. So for me, I must strive to give as much love as I can every day to myself and all others.
My only prayer is to ask my HP to guide me and show me how to be the most loving I can be, in all circumstances. This doesn't mean I behave in the most loving way I can all the time, but today I have awareness and willingness to be my best. Loving myself also means forgiveness for being human and not being able to EVER be perfect.
So far, this attitude and working the AA program (steps, sponsorship, fellowship, service) is working to keep me sober, happy, joyous, free, and at peace with myself and others.
It is perfectly natural to wonder about what one's purpose is. Books are written about it. I recommend Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning", and then "Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning"...in regard to AA, j read in the 12 and 12, Step 11, St Francis of Assisi Prayer . Make me an instrument. That sums it up. By that one concept..the entire process is encompassed...takes away being centered in self and living from inside out rather than outside in. To reach that point , it takes loving one's self, not for accomplishments, not for looks, not for possessions, not because of what I will or plan to do next , not because everything thinks I'm cool..none of it. That is why living in the now is stressed so much...it also means not judging..the whole shabang. We recognize not only in AA but guess what, EVERYWHERE outside of this program, that this is the only way to live in full measurement under the Grace of God. To love myself today means to love GOD..the gift and miracle of Life. It has nothing to do with my mind...only that it can recognize that we are ALL BLESSED. We have already been forgiven for everything we have already done..AND..what we will do next..because we are not perfect (no doubt about that one for myself). Like it is said, "we are not saints"..whatever that means, no one is exactly..even those of Sainthood..otherwise, we would not be human beings...alive in this material existence...namely, a physical body with physical needs, wants, desires, plans, hopes, and dreams. I see some other posts above that are along the same line of thinking !. Things go wrong, I goof up, I just don't feel well (like right now with the flu)...have to maintain the Vision! What is REAL. I consider we are spiritual beings living mostly non-spiritual experiences because of what we are;; another life of nothing but Spirituality...of Spirit...from whence we came we will return. We must realize we are all very weak in Spirit and poor in our humanness. Blessed are the weak in Spirit, for they shall inherit the Kingdom. Not to sound preachy, but there is great Truth in this statement. The minute I think I'm all Spiritual..boom..right to the head and it's all over once again..over and over again..the constant. The search returns for that moment..of receiving forgiveness. It really is all about acceptance. Acceptance of that which is already given, but are blinded by our addictions, wants, desires, and life in general to receive. To lose that life meant to live another. Keep in mind, the Spiritual life is all in RETROSPECT...I cannot be aware of it happening..that is where humility comes in. It's after the event/experience, then REALIZE and give thanks...It really is about letting Go. On and on..on and on..on and on..Do not lose the Vision...the awareness...Search Truth..life is a paradox of half baked truths and half false lies..society, organizations, masses of people living lives based on societal norms whatever those are..most are not 'normal' and definitely not spiritually based. If only we could all go to some awesome retreat, free of materialism..myself..I found life as I knew it was one big lie. Nothing that seemed important was..so I did not lose anything...except the people..That was most important. The ones that mattered most were still with me..they knew all along.
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"In all Thy Ways Acknowledge Him, And He Shall Direct Thy Paths"
I know I have a purpose... Especially being alive today the way I drank. Too many miracles happened that have left me alive and I dont want to go back out and test anymore. I believe my purpose is to become fully sane and healthy and help other struggling alcoholics using my experience. I have even been thinking about becoming a drug and alcohol counselour in the future..
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I often wonder what my purpose is. Most of my drinking and using friends died when we were young, and those that are alive are still involved pretty heavily in the drink and other things, they are not productive members of society. I also sometimes wonder if living longer is my punishment for being such an ass when I was drinking and if my friends got off easy lol (am I paying the piper for all of us?) My sponsor used to tell me that my purpose was to share the gift of relating to the alcoholic on an emotional level because it's a soul sickness and I function more emotionally rather than intellectually. You guys and gals have given me the strength to help another drunk when I needed to, and the payback has been sobriety (and more than I could imagine or deserve). But there are still times when I wonder if I'm destined for greatness lol, am I gonna get a record deal at 47? (probably not) Am I going to be rich from hitting the lottery? (probably not) Am I going to work harder than anyone else and pave a road to riches and prosperity? (probably not lol). For today my purpose I guess is to not drink, so I can be aware of some other poor bastard that walks in the room and looks like me when I came in, I guess there's a certain amount of nobility in that, isn't there?
I know I ramble alot, but it's about the best I can do today.
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"Never make someone a priority who makes you an option"
!. Things go wrong, I goof up, I just don't feel well (like right now with the flu)...have to maintain the Vision! What is REAL. I consider we are spiritual beings living mostly non-spiritual experiences because of what we are;; another life of nothing but Spirituality...of Spirit...from whence we came we will return. We must realize we are all very weak in Spirit and poor in our humanness. Blessed are the weak in Spirit, for they shall inherit the Kingdom. Not to sound preachy, but there is great Truth in this statement. The minute I think I'm all Spiritual..boom..right to the head and it's all over once again..over and over again..the constant. The search returns for that moment..of receiving forgiveness. It really is all about acceptance. Acceptance of that which is already given, but are blinded by our addictions, wants, desires, and life in general to receive. To lose that life meant to live another. Keep in mind, the Spiritual life is all in RETROSPECT...I cannot be aware of it happening..that is where humility comes in. It's after the event/experience, then REALIZE and give thanks...It really is about letting Go. On and on..on and on..on and on..Do not lose the Vision...the awareness...Search Truth..life is a paradox of half baked truths and half false lies..society, organizations, masses of people living lives based on societal norms whatever those are..most are not 'normal' and definitely not spiritually based. If only we could all go to some awesome retreat, free of materialism..myself..I found life as I knew it was one big lie. Nothing that seemed important was..so I did not lose anything...except the people..That was most important. The ones that mattered most were still with me..they knew all along.