The way that I lie to myself is astounding . I have been saying that I have not been drinking to myself for years , but that is not true. I have been drinking not everyday , never did , but once a week or every two weeks drunk, I think
If I have one drink I get drunk. I open a bottle of wine and then finish it and then if there is something else to drink around I will drink it , if not I will white knuckle it .
I do not drink and drive and if I drink 25 cl of wine i will stop but want more
I am no more clear now than 15 years ago if I am an alcoholic. I drink and it sparks off a craving for more, so I guess I am but my capacity for alcohol is zero , one beer I am drunk
I know I had phases of being very promiscuous,does that make me a sex addict ? ( probably) I was 13 when started to have sex I have had phases of compulsive gambling addiction ( does that make me a compulsive gambler) (that was when I was not drinking, having affairs or being work addicted !!)I have had phases of work addiction and I smoked for years from the age of 13
So you see I am confused. A Dr said I had Bi Polar , so this fits with that going compulsive with one thing or another but I suppose I am trying to fit myself in , I always have tried to fit myself in somewhere and I just don't ..
Does this matter that I don't fit, that I am not ordinary ? No -Does it matter that I am still trying to fit in ? Yes that is codependance ..
One thing I do know is that sometimes slowly certainly applies to me but despite all the above I am getting a better understanding of my behaviour
I stopped smoking recently I never thought I would , but the whole time now I seem to be full of anxiety ,but that too will pass
I hadn't realised how guilty I felt about an affair I had ( there I have said it now) This guy was really unattractive but the chemistry was the strongest I had ever felt , ever , seriously me knees went weak , i look at him now and think what was I thinking, i think that was an addict meeting an addict , and there is me saying that kind of chemistry must have some past life connection (yeah right)
I feel so guilty , towards his wife ( it was quite some years ago now ) and my husband
Now I met my husband when I was 40 and we are the very best of companions- I had been really on my own before that -,but we never fancied each other,so I was in a sexless marriage.I didn't sign up for a sexless marriage. I was also the bread winner, he did earn a bit as the people who employed me gave him some money for a little job, and he was a sports teacher so earned a bit from that as well
I felt resentful, I still do feel resentful on one level , but on another I understand and I do not feel resentful.. I need to let go of that , I don't care about sex thing anymore ( i don't think)
I know a lot of this is about anger ,about feeling like I am the one who always has to be responsible for everything and take the worry
If he criticises me over anything I just want to lash out and say I am earning this money and you are not , so I am entitled to spend it without question .. But I got us into serious debt doing that , very serious debt ,and I think I spent money from this space of anger and resentment , "I deserve it "sort of thing !
Actually that is how I feel but he does help me a lot and cares very much about me and I have put him through hell and a lot of worry !
A lot of this stems from resentments about my parents who were sex drugs rock and roll, and sick ( Dad Manic depression) Mum (Breast cancer from when I was 10 sick died when I was 18 and she was 39)
Thing is this is all jumbled but the fact that I have actually written it down may start the deep subconscious cogs moving and i can get a better honesty within myself and do a step 4 properly
I stopped smoking in 2011 that was HUGE .
Hopefully in 2012 I will find a really lovely sponsor and move forward in this journey
Thanks
J
Thanks Toni, Happy Christmas and thanks for welcome I am very happy to have found this forum. Sometimes it is easier to be really honest to oneself in writing YIF J
Just full of fear, it travels in waves through my stomach and brings me out in a sweat.
Is it shame ? I don't know
I have got drunk a few times this year, pretending I was not drinking, not admitting it in meetings,
I would drink a beer and no more so that was ok, but it wasn't I have no control over alcohol.
I do not who I phoned really the other day , or what I said, just found the embarrassing remnants of an email.
I need to find a sponsor and I will I know and this feeling of shame will pass.
I think it has made me recognise that recovery is an event that I have to participate in
(((((Jess))))) Aloha from the Pacific...I sooo relate to your post and yep that sounds like compulsion...I've been there and done that and arrived somewhat at where you are at right now...Sick and tired of being Sick and tired!! Also I was pretty much assured that I was mentally ill when I found the doors of recovery and one reason was because my life was unmanagable and I didn't have a clue from what. Compulsive everything and had to start somewhere...Compulsive drinker and compulsive relationships with women who drank. That's a start isn't it? and so I find the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and then AA. I find the steps and the last word of the second step is "Sanity"...there you go I related because that is what I felt when I was out there bumping into walls as a steady consequence of trying to do the best with what I had and I had nothing...not a clue about my addiction to alcohol and those who were alcoholic....Didn't even realize I was born and raised in the disease by those who were born and raised in it also and practiced the hell out of it. It took steady program attendance...and...college to get a grip on what the hell was running around in my systems and causing me complete craziness. Compulsive everything...I'm still working on that...slow down, think, look at the picture, consider the consequences of continued participation and decide on change or continuance. Life in the slow lane is safest for me so I stay in the slow lane and change for the better.
I've got my own version of your story here. I've got it stored somewhere and of course today its different because of continuous recovery. Repeated inventories for me are very necessary cause the deeper I dig the more stuff I find that needs to be rid of so that I can build a better foundation.
"Sanity...a continuous and orderly process of thought"...got that from the rooms of recovery and it is now my measuring stick.
Welcome to the MIP forum. Sounds like you can qualify to work the steps. Great things happen when we fully surrender and have a spritual awakening. The four Horsemen need never knock on our door again.
Keep coming back,
Rob
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks for reply. Aloha from the UK
For the first time in weeks I am feeling more calm, stepping out of denial ( yes it is true "don't even know I am lying" )
Such a strange dis-ease. For me the hardest part has been breaking down my walls of ego and still is.
Trying to really get the fact that I am no better or different than anyone else.
And yes step 4 , I jumped a huge step forward when I first did it , for me at that time and on reflection that was all I could do
Now I think it may be different .
Damaged family relationships, buried pain, such hard shored up defences.
Sensitivity that belies all of that. For me recovery is very difficult and extremely complex. On paper so simple, in reality not so simple at all.
I think I may have turned a corner this last week
Thanks for all of your input , it really matters
Jess
On the up, with more honesty and willingness that I have ever felt before ,despite being around AA for years . I am not in denial about any acting out behaviour that I have , it could be anything but it all comes down to the same thing , not knowing what I want, what I feel, who I am .How I got to this does not matter , getting to understand my self is painful I stopped smoking and it sent me into orbit because it unmasked another load of stuff that I had been covering up If i had physical damage in my arms or legs and was not able to do things properly everyone would understand, I have a physical and emotional damage and I understand that now and I know that I have always done the best that i can ,no matter what , in my life and whatever I have done that was wrong ,I simply could not help it , at the time It is a question of learning to truly forgive myself for all the horrible things that I feel guilty and ashamed about ..I have made a start and I am really trying to get completely well and doing my best to be as honest as I know how to be It feels good and it feels like progress I have no issue now about saying to anyone that offers me a drink I do not drink and if they push it saying I am in AA That is a huge step and a self admission that I have avoided for far too long Happy New Year All xxx
