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Post Info TOPIC: Small steps feel so big


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Small steps feel so big
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Hello everyone im new and was suggested that i should post here! *Deep breathe* So here we go, I am a 25 year old adult child of 2 alcoholic parents. My husband also happens to be a ACoA as well as an alcoholic him self. We have been married for 4 months. I find myself on the verge of divorce, wanting to drop everything for the first time and walk away. I am not sure how to handle any of this. I am tired physically and emotionally. Fear and sadness have consumed me. I just want to scream and start breaking things. Yet I find myself smiling and just going along for this insane ride. I want to break free of this. I dont want this to be my adult life any more. Things are so hard and I cant believe im here asking for help. I never ask for help but I cant do this alone.

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MIP Old Timer

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Welcome Ashley, you are not alone! Keep coming back, it does get much much better~!

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God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

 

 



MIP Old Timer

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Hello Moonbeam! Welcome to the board. Awesome screen name! I've been seeing some not so pleasant ones this year like readyToRipMyEyesOut etc.. lol. If you have no kids, Run forest Run! It's much easier to work on yourself when it's just you. If you sig other is not intending to get sober, you're in for a rough ride. I think that it's probably obvious to you that your attraction to this guy is perpetuated by the familiar circumstances of your family of origin. It's magnetic and unless a Acoa (and/or codependent) works on changing themselves and their parameters for choosing sig others, it will happen again and again. We must become that healthy independent individual that we wish to attract.

Just curious, who recommended our site?

Dean


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MIP Old Timer

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Hi Moonbeam,
have you tried Alanon? It could be good to have a support network while you are going through this stuff. I think Dean makes some good points above. Things are grim for you at the moment and it doesn't sound like you have any hope of improvement. You are young, your life is just beginning, and there don't appear to be any reasons (good or bad) why you should stay in that situation. Perhaps some time alone to work on yourself would be the best thing you could do. In anycase it's wonderful to have you on our site. Welcome:)

God bless,
MikeH.

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Fyne Spirit

Walking with curiosity.



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I was recommend the site at work. I am a manager at a gas station and an older man by the name Jim/James comes in and hangs around help deal with some of the more unruly people. Well one afternoon he happens to over hear an argument i was having with my husband about drinking. After my husband stormed off, he talked to me a bit about things. Talked to me about what it is like being a recovering alcoholic for 37 years . A few days later he brought down a piece of paper with a few books and websites and things written on it. And so I find myself here.

As for actually running away from my marriage that can not happen. And there are many reasons why. But mostly because aside from a sheet of paper my marriage is a spiritual bond. It has extremely deep religious meaning to me. How can i break that oath that i have made not only with myself and husband, but with the things that I hold sacred, and deep with in my heart.

I want to have more understanding for what is going on, why its happening, what i should be doing and more than likely not doing. Now thats not to say that i might need to leave our home and live in a separate place for a while. I do know i want to learn the best ways for all of this to happen in my life.


-- Edited by Moonbeam on Wednesday 21st of December 2011 11:09:57 PM

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Welcome.

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MIP Old Timer

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Work the steps. My wife and I constantly fought with each other, until she also came into recovery. Through AA & Alanon we recovered. We found that both of us were carrying the effects of Dad's alcoholism, without even knowing it. We dealt with it through our program and sponsors. About 12 years into our recovery we were going to have a repetition of the problem, despite working our programs. We were honest about our issues and this time we sought help from our local church. By now our children were also affected by our disease, and my son took to alcohol. Although they were in Alateen, we found that as adults now there was not much for them and we got them involved in church also.
Today after 23 years, God has blessed us with a very serene home. It took hard work and perseverance by our family. Do not be discouraged. Pray to God. He is faithful if we are honest with Him. Have an open mind, use all the resources available. Read books on marriage. Author Gary Smalley, helped us a lot with his books. We came into our marriage, young and inexperienced, but we were willing to learn and make it work. It's a tough commitment, but your children will thank you one day. You seem to be a God fearing person and I pray that God will exalt you and bless you.

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Moonbeam, I admire your principals concerning marriage. I felt Exactly the same way. I was 23 when I met my first wife. Married at 26, child at 27, numerous separations, the last one at 29 years old right before I got sober. Coincidence? Not hardly. Did you know about your husband's drinking problem before you married him? If you're practicing a religion, have you spoken to your Pastor/Priest/Rabbi about this problem? I too felt the way that you do. I had two alcoholics for parents, raised as a Catholic and parents divorced when I was 9. Getting divorced was the last thing that I was ever going to do, especially with a child. I tried to stay in that marriage for several years, it was intolerable due to alcoholism (both of us), and I was granted an annulment from the Catholic Church. That was over 20 years ago and marriage number two, also in the Catholic church (15 years married, 18 together) is unbelievably wonderful. We've never had an argument. It's crystal clear, that my x-wife and I were totally incompatible, we were never "meant to be together", even though I held firmly to that belief right up till we separated for the last time. We're fairly good friends now as we had to raise our son , who was 2 when we split up (who's 24 now). She still drinks a lot daily, smokes and is just as immature as she was when I left. She's been plagued with serious health problems, and her finances have always been shaky at best. My experience has been quite the opposite, I'm preparing for a lovely early retirement with my awesome wife. There could not be much greater contrast between our two lifestyles. Do your homework on this subject and don't shut the door on it. This is Your life and you're in the prime of it.

If you're husband is a real alcoholic and doesn't want to quit drinking and treat the disease of alcoholism, it will get worse, not better. If you had alcoholic parents you know this and you wouldn't want to have children experience what you went through or worse. Looking at the probability of your husband getting sober, in a relationship, even if he wanted to is slim unless he worked hard in a recovery program for years. It's a huge distraction to the alcoholic to be in a relationship and get sober. People do it, but I couldn't do it, and I've seen a lot in the nearly 25 years that I've been attending AA meetings regularly. Alcoholics, generally speaking, have a hard time with relationships. It does get better over time, and many of us find our way into a couple of other 12 step programs that deal with relationships more thoroughly. I did this, and it helped me greatly. AA is about quitting drinking completely, having a spiritual awakening and changing how we live, act, think, and feel based upon a set of spiritual principals. A new man, so to speak, as "the same man will drink again". With that said, If it were me, given my experiences and observations (imo) it would much more expeditious to separate with the clear message to this man, that if he doesn't get sober and stay sober for a year or more, you won't be coming back. We cannot think that anything that we say or do will make an alcoholic respond/get sober. That, in itself, is identified as an illness (Codependency). It will make us sick to think that we can control the alcoholic's behavior. With that said, your alcoholic might get bumped enough, out of his comfort zone, if you left indefinitely, to Want to get sober. Although, you'd be doing it for your own best interest, with no expectation, and turning it over to your higher power (faith).

On the other hand, staying in the relationship, as long as an alcoholic has a caring wife, a roof over his head, and a refrigerator, chances are he's not going to get sober, unless some other catastrophic event or events (legal, medical, financial) makes him wake up, breaks through his denial (and yours), and a desire for changing his life comes forth. But typically the person arriving to AA in earnest, has had several serious setbacks in life: divorce, bankruptcy, terminated from a good career job, impending jail sentence or serious medical implication (doctor warns of death if drinking continued). All have some, some have all of these "indicators". Being a partner to, and witness of these setbacks isn't a lot of fun, as they directly affect that "Life Partner".

Fyne Spirit recommended Al-anon http://www.al-anon.org/about.html. We have a very active Al-anon message board here http://alanon.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727 It's a great program for folks in a relationship with an alcoholic. It's a good place to get the answers you're looking for, albeit many go there initially to find out "what they can do, or not do" for the benefit of their alcoholic. They soon find that the program is for them, as people who live with practicing alcoholics develop their own illness that manifests itself with the obsession over their alcoholic and their drinking, and the desire to control it. It appears to them that they really want to help the alcoholic, and certainly their quality of life/security is greatly affected by the outcome. The problem is that they are too close (personally involved) to be affective, and the stress from the regular negative feedback sets up a dysfunctional cycle wear the alcoholic drinks more and blames the partner for nagging him. Al-anon will teach the partner to "detach with love" and learn how to live with a practicing alcoholic (by allowing them to drink). This is a practical solution (I guess) for families with children, where separation isn't possible, or isn't desired. Codependents Anonymous http://www.coda.org/ is a program for the same people, who have been affected by living with alcoholics (parents, spouses, children). It also focuses on that individual's personal issues (characteristics), with a program of change (the 12 steps) to recover and learn how to have a healthy relationship with oneself, a higher power, and others. The focus here, imo, is about getting out of dysfunctional relationships, and staying out of them, by setting healthy boundaries for yourself and others, learning to care for yourself, and how to live "in today". This program worked well for me, and of course I have a bit of bias about it.

You're totally welcome to ask all the questions, about alcoholism and recovery, here. We have a few ladies on our board that are doing just that. This is a family disease, and we welcome you in that respect.

Dean



-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 22nd of December 2011 05:36:13 AM

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MIP Old Timer

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Welcome Moonbeam.  Nothing to add, I think Dean wrapped it up nicely for you and others.



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MIP Old Timer

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Welcome Ashley. A lot of good things have been said, some of us experience in this area and many do not.

I do know that growing up with 2 alcoholic parents makes you sick unless you get treatment (alanon). You also picked a alcoholic husband (I assume he is practicing). You won't be able to change your husband, you can only change yourself and your reaction to situations and people.

As for actually running away from my marriage that can not happen. And there are many reasons why. But mostly because aside from a sheet of paper my marriage is a spiritual bond. It has extremely deep religious meaning to me. How can i break that oath that i have made not only with myself and husband, but with the things that I hold sacred, and deep with in my heart.

Not sure how you have a spiritual bond with someone who is drunk all the time,  alcoholics are on very selfish and self seeking,  they don't take wives they take hostages.

I hate to be so blunt,  I hope you both get help and things work out.  If not I feel sorry for you if you think you have a God who wants you to be sad in a miserable relationship the rest of your life,  esp after living with your parents.

Hope this can help.



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Rob

"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."

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