coming back, in every sense of these words. with just under a year of being sober, i surrendered to my disease and picked up that first drink. i had walked out of the sunlight of the spirit one day at a time. had a very difficult personal situatation. my sponsor and i agreed to no longer continue a sponsor/sponsee relationship. slowly dwindled down my meetings til i stopped attending all together. personal life quickly turning into what felt hopeless. isolation, no contact with higher power----drink!
now i'm drunk and alone. alcoholic insanity. can't stop. six days into the deal (from this point i've been told by my boyfriend, who stood by me through all) i made one phone call- to my boyfriend. told him where i was. he gathered up some of the guys, they came and got me and most of my belongings. vague recall of this. absolutely no recall after.
he said he got me home. i passed out immediately. next day i got up . was in pretty rough shape for the first couple hours. i started going into full blown withdraws. shakes, sweats. he brought me a garbage can to throw up in. thats when the seizures began. mini seizures. i grabbed the bag out of the garbage can. and that garbage bag became my life line! i would repeat two sets of three numbers over and over. when he would see me going back out, he would pull on the bag and my eyes would come back , then i would repeat the combination of numbers again. as i would say the numbers i would try to tie a knot to my bag. as though it it was all i had. i needed that bag to hold onto to any connection to this world.
pryor to letting him know where i was i made him promise he would not have me put in anywhere. he knew i was in trouble and needed immediate medical attention, he asked me if he could call 911. whiich would have been done regardless. he said i said yea.
the paradics arrived and i walked out to them! they put me on the gurney and i went immediately into a state of coma. they got me to the hospital. i stayed comatosed. i was strapped down for the next nine days. my boyfriend was with me the entire time only to leave and shower. the rest you can see for yourself. two days out of coma, i drank. went to detox for ten days. came home and lasted five days and drank. i was very angry and bitter and felt a great deal of shame knowing i should be greatful. my boyfriend told me he couldn't watch me do this anymore. i promised i would try one more time. i couldn't bare living, but i couln't bare losing him even more. so i did not drink. about the third day, i woke up in the sunlight of the spirit. i finally for the first time smiled and knew i would be alright and the darkness was gone. it took until last night for me to be physically and mentally stable enough to go to a meeting and get a white white chip. i still can't drive, have memory loss and alot of physical and mental problems, i am getting better one day at a time. i have five days today. i am grateful to god, grateful to be alive, grateful to my boyfriend. the gratitude is so powerful and abundant for just everything. most people would have been scared straight. i know i was prayed to a moment of clarity. i am so grateful for all the prayers. i know a great deal of them have been from M.I.P members. your prayers were heard and answered.
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I will be staying plugged into my lifeline. i need you. my life depends on it.
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****** Life only happens once, this is not a rehearsal!"
Sane people would have been scared straight but alcoholics of my type seem able to recover only through spiritual means, divine intervention if you like. Its great that you can get back to meetings, they will help, but the steps are the only path I know to full recovery. "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thouroughly followed our path...with all the earnestness at our command we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start... some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely....... For those who try the medicine- make an honest and sustained effort at taking ALL of the steps - the recovery rate is very very good. Give it your best Violet and we will be here to support you. You already have our prayers.
Sending a warm welcome and more prayers your way. Lovely to see you posting here and thanks for inspiring me to keep fighting the good fight. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Just learned today that a 20 yr old guy who used to attend our local meetings passed away yesterday. Drug and alcohol OD, he had been back on the warpath for a few months, he attended a local 1/2 way house/program.
My sponcee who is was his house-mate and also 20, called me with the news and was pretty upset. What could I say?? I just told him if he stays around he will see more people die along the way. Best he can do is keep his house in order and be there for others in need, so they might not fall victim.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Hey Blever, You have a simple full time job now. Staying alive by shedding the rest of the world, and embracing the program. Put it all in your HP's hands. Rest. Get physically strong. Get mentally strong by just surrendering. Hang in there! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Welcome Back Violet! Glad you made it back here. This diesase is cunning, baffling and powerful. Stories like yours reinforce the seriousness of what we are dealing with. Thank you for the post and helping keep me sober today. Prayers sent your way.
