A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?. The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
A man calls his son the day before Christmas and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way!!
lol loved it Step Child What a GREAT way to start a day. I stayed in bed and asked for help to live my way His way today and to allow me one more sober day. I came downstairs with no hangover, no face looking like it belongs in a horror show, no prayers of Oh God please let me have hid just 1 bottle, no dread of the day to come. I pour my coffee ( after humoring the various cats and dogs with their daily dose of loving) turn on my computer and start to giggle. I LOVE IT
So funny! okay, this is kind of corny but What do you get when you deep fry Santa? A Krisp Kringle.
:) Another corny one... What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
okay here's one for us adults: Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" The third man answered "They're Carol's."
Don't be mad about this one guys...:)
WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
