I was having stomach pains and since my doctor was concerned that I might have an ulcer he sent me for this procedure where they stick a camera down your throat to see what's happening. They sedated me pretty heavily for it and I was pretty much completely in la la land. I woke up in the recovery room with a very kind nurse putting a heated blanket on me and gently rubbing my back. She was kind of laughing a little and she said it was because I was sleeping with this big giant peaceful grin on my face. The weird thing was that before going in for the scope I was anything but peaceful. I was high-strung, worried and anxious about a million unrelated racing thoughts going through my head...but the drugs made it all go away. They made every bad/sad/resentful worrisome thought just completely disappear. I think that's what I try to achieve with alcohol. I just want all the things that keep me up at night to go away. Maybe the problem isn't that I get drunk, maybe the real problem us that eventually I have to sober up.
That's something to think about TMc...Go get a sponsor and talk about it with them. Don't try to handle that by yourself with the same brain you drink with. Sedatives do work different than booze. Yes they do.
Tipsy, I have had 2 endoscopes and 3 colonoscopies all by 25 (29 now) and I know, the stuff they give you is relaxing. However- I do think we can get to a place where we aren't "numb" but have peace being alert and alive. That would be the best, right? I know with me, I don't want to think about things and being knocked out (whether in the hospital or on booze) does that. So I am trying to learn new ways to distract myself and deal with the emotions I don't want to face. That's just me, but yes, I know what you mean about that med they give you for endoscopes. They had to give me 3 times as much as usual, however, because I am a highly anxious person and the usual amount wasn't cutting it. I do believe that we CAN get better. When I really analyze what I feel and wha t iwas doing and thinking about before a craving or drinking I learn a lot about how to avoid or lessen the urge to drink. I want to start and keep a diary again (one in general, and also a "mood" journal where I right down mood changes and what I eat, listen to, hang out with, anything- I did it before but got "bored" but it is helpful... when you see the same thing popping up all the time right before you drink or have a panic attack or *fill in the blank* you can ask yourself why x or y affects you like that, and start working on ways to neutralize that stress or understand yourself better.
I hope you are okay. My sister also has ulcers. I looked into homeopathy for my own digestive problems (excessive bleeding) because the meds I was put on didn't do anything and I kept getting anemic from blood loss. I still have some health problems (all auto immune) but not internal bleeding or intestinal stuff like i did. Small changes. Remember, we can do pretty much anything we put our minds too!
Maybe the problem isn't that I get drunk, maybe the real problem us that eventually I have to sober up.
That was my epiphany, I didn't have a drinking problem, I had an "interval" problem, the intervals when I wasn't drunk, the drunk part was fine, the rest of it blew chunks, the problem was I couldn't stay loaded 24/7, and the intervals were getting more and more painful
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Tipsy, I can identify with your post. When booze and dry goods worked it solved my emotional problems(spiritual malady). It's what I used to fix it- it being my inability to live life on lifes terms. I will riddled with fear doubt and insecurity. Booze fixed that for many years. Then over time it stopped working and I was scared. The party was over and my drug of choice-booze became my drug of no choice eventhough it didn't work any longer. I could be totally drunk from the neck down but my mind would no longer turn off. I spent several years trying all the options I could think of to maintain my right to drink. The pain built up, problems mounted and desperation set in. Thank God.
What I realize now is, Alcoholic was an artificial means to a Spiritual Awakening. For awhile it solved my Spiritual malady. By working The Progam here in AA- Meetings, Sponsor, Steps, Pray and Helping Others, the Promises have come true and I've had a Spiritual Awakening. The Spiritual malady is much less significant today and gets better the more I work at it. My head is not racing and the obession to drink has been lifted. All this done in spite of my initial resistance to attend AA and work the entire Program. It's a miracle.
The thing about being scared, anxious, etc- and thinking we need alcohol that I realized, is that, if we are that scared/upset/afraid we also have this amazing power to see a lot of beauty/love in the world, maybe more than less "sensitive" people. :)
