His name is Mark. In the past when I have hung out with him and tried to stop drinking, he will agree not to buy alcohol when he comes over, and we do, etc. He considers me his girl friend- I consider him a friend I love very much, but not a boyfriend (even though, as a joke, he is listed as my husband on facebook and I am listed as his wife). Every time I try to really talk to him about quitting, he either appears to agree, but soon changes and claims its (drinking) not a big deal, or gets mad and swears. I just told him he is being depressing (he told me on messenger I will never stop drinking) and that I will talk to him when he is sober. He got upset, so I told him I joined online aa (this group) and invited him to join too. He posted this back (I am not sure how much I should take this seriously, as he IS drunk- maybe he is scared of trying because he feels he will fail?) Anyway, he just wrote this about me joining here:
Good, go to the groups too. Good for fucking you. I am not going to join. I have a major drinking problem but I love it.
I said good night, and got some more sarcastic, bitter ramblings. When he is sober he is the closest person to me, and I have acted quite crazy and dumb while intoxicated, too. Is it true that I have to stay away from him if he is drinking and I want to stop, or cut him out of my life? Did other people here have their friends get angry when they expressed a will to quit drinking, and how did you deal with it? I just told him that I think he is acting toxic (I have acted toxically in the past, too) and got more swearing, etc). This is the sort of behavior that I usually consider a trigger for my own drinking. Any help as to how to handle this? I recently cut an abusive friend out of my life for physically abusing me (she, too, has a drinking problem) and still feel bad about that- I would prefer to stay friends with Mark as I do love him and I also know he is bipolar, but some advice for how to handle triggers and friends that want you to drink with them when you say you want to stop, that would be welcome. Thanks.
Speaking from my own experience...I had to worry about my sobriety first. Nothing else. If he loves his major drinking problem he'll find a time when he doesn't. I know I did. Do what is good for you.
SSL, only about 1 out of 20 people that want to get sober succeed. The chances of you and a sig other doing it together, especially when the other person doesn't want to, is astronomical odds. Getting sober has to become "our primary purpose". It usually necessitates distancing ourselves from our drinking buddies for any real chance of success. I really comes down to how much does the person want it and are they "willing to go to any lengths" for their sobriety.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 11th of December 2011 08:36:22 AM
Ok. I will talk to him on the phone and on fb but no real life hanging out until I can stay sober for a while. How many days should I be sober before I consider risking hanging out with him in reality. When he is broke he can't drink, but when he is sober and broke he is generally in a horrible mood so that's not too great of a plan, either.
I do want to get sober. When I told him before I think we need time apart so I can focus on getting sober he says things like: "Well, just fucking leave me then you bitch, after all I have done for you" and "Nobody is going to ever rise to Lex's perfect standards!" things like that. Which I can handle, and I know he fears being abandoned and that those comments are manipulative. Should I just not tell him I need time apart and just stay on my own so he figures it out himself? Depending on if I already feel sad or anxious, I do sometimes feel that I give into his comments. If I don't tell him and just stay on my own or refuse to hang out for a while, he can't balk at anything, but might get the hint? I have known him about 4 years now and for at least the last year we have been trying to stop and obviously it hasn't worked or I wouldn't be here.
staysoberlex wrote: he says things like: "Well, just fucking leave me then you bitch, after all I have done for you" and "Nobody is going to ever rise to Lex's perfect standards!
This is just me but getting sober meant gaining enough self esteem and dignity to not date people who said things like to me
That is one of the points that Dean so frequently obliquely refers to and does so here in this thread
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Yes, I know. He only talks like that when he is drunk. I wouldn't even say I date him. He is 21 years older than me and it was sexual at one time, but not anymore. I just care about him a lot and think of him as more than "just a friend". I actually don't consider him my boyfriend, it's the term he likes me to use for our relationship. *shrugs* When he is sober he is actually pretty polite. Drunk... like me.... a jerk. I know he wants to stop drinking on some level too, and just feels discouraged.
Lex, it's ok to tell him not to call you when he's drunk. It's called "setting boundaries". It might help him in the long run, but you don't need that kind of abuse.
I have told him before not to call me when drunk, but I might sit down with him when he is sober and ask him when he is sober. And explain that if he does call or write (instant chat) drunk I will just hang up/not respond.
he says things like: "Well,............... after all I have done for you" and "Nobody is going to ever rise to Lex's perfect standards!" things like that.
Ho, sounds like someone I used to live with, had those exact words thrown at me - well, substitute Bill for Lex!
point is, i had to focus on ME. I had to put MY sobriety first. I had to leave the woman that I'd been married to for 33 years (but now separated for 6 of those) so that I could move on, because she could not or would not release me from the ties of guilt and shame for my past actions.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I spoke to him when he was sober today. He is okay with it. He actually said, when he was sober, that he is proud of me. So I guess I just really have to ignore him and not take his chats or phone calls when he is drunk. But yeah... I didn't drink today. Got all my major christmas shopping done, and sent of my x-mas cards and presents. Still have a few presents I need to pick up after pay day for local friends, but the stressful stuff is over.
