Oh boy am I learning this. I have received a proposed counter financial settlement from my soon to be ex wife. It's pretty severe, no, it's very severe.
Due to circumstances that I won't go into here, she really does have me over a barrel. Let's just say that the settlement is effectively a fait accompli. She gets the majority I get a minority and there's shag all I can do about it.
But then there is the Inheritance Act 1975, which seems to provide her with a 50% claim on any future inheritance I may be awarded. If this is the case, I'll be asking my Mum to change her will to make any future inheritance she would have left me (it would be 25% of her estate) to my son and daughter.
I don't mind her getting the Gold Mine, I just don't like getting the shaft.
Just to clarify, I'm not bad mouthing her, I'm not blaming her. she might be divorcing me, but I did start this ball game off. I won't be destitute and will have more than I need.
-- Edited by bikerbill on Wednesday 7th of December 2011 06:40:43 AM
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I went through something similar in my early sobriety. We, my wife at the time and I, had a house and property we bought on money from me being hurt. In Nevada compensation due to injury is not community property, however, even though I used the money from the injury, when we both signed on the house when we bought it, the house was considered a gift to the community. As we were dying from untreated alcoholism, we wanted divorce and She wanted it all, plus monthly money I didn't have. My head was spinning out of control, fear from every possible direction. I called my sponsor who was busy and told me to call his sponsor. So I called him, I told him, I had a problem and Sheldon told me to call him. He asked me: what color was my problem, pink or green? I said both, I told him my tale of woe. He said " GIVE IT TO HER"..give it all, holy crap I thought, I need someone else to talk to. He asked me how much was the house worth and would I pay that much to hold on to my sobriety and be at peace. Damn damn damn, yes i said. Then give it to her. If the monthly was too high, figure out what I needed to live on and then as the Big Book says " make the best deal we could". Its what I did. I would like to say I did it with a smile and no resistance and fear. But my gut churned and my head ran, but I did anyway. As I look back it was THE best financial deal I have ever made in my life. The spiritual ramifications of doing it were something I could have never, in a hundred years have ever dreamed up. The woman, who when we were splitting up said " If you were on fire, I wouldn't piss on you to put you out" is one of my closest and dearest friends today. I wish I could remember this, but when I put myself in the right place with God and the universe, He has a way doing amazing things, it just doesn't happen by Friday. peace brother.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
The woman, who when we were splitting up said " If you were on fire, I wouldn't piss on you to put you out" is one of my closest and dearest friends today. I wish I could remember this, but when I put myself in the right place with God and the universe, He has a way doing amazing things, it just doesn't happen by Friday. peace brother.
Yeah. One day. Mebbe. on balance, I got a fair and reasonable deal, it goes back to my first discussions with the lass - 'there's no need for either of us to end up in debt over this.' The proposed settlement is something I am at peace with. It's the projection - if she does this, then I'll do that, then she'll do this and I'll have to do that, then she'll do this, then I'll do that, get caught and spend my retirement in a prison, fighting off the attentions of BillyBob and his inbred cousins (yep, we have them over here too.)
gotta remember that this, along with so many other things, won't be fixed by friday. That plus everything WILL turn out right in the end. all i have to do is fit myself to that Right.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Not divorced here, but have seen the damage that can happen because of them. Your sobriety is worth everything. And you stated you'll be OK in the end. Not in prison with BillyBob...... Keep up the miracle in progress Bill!
Edited because although I feel close enough to Pinkchip to make a gay joke without offense, my wife looked over my shoulder and said I was being rude. I apologize Pinkchip if I offended you.
Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Thursday 8th of December 2011 07:47:08 AM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Yup, hell has no fury like a man scorned (even if the "scorned" part is all in his own crazy mind!)....
I'm an attorney, so I knew exactly what would have been a fair, 50/50 settlement when I got divorced. But my ex had irrational ideas about how certain accounts were "his," etc. (we live in a community property state, so all income earned during the marriage is owned jointly, even if you decide it's "yours" -- and we got married when we were 22 so brought no "separate" assets into the marriage). I ended up letting him walk away with accounts that included about $50K of cash that I was legally entitled to. I decided I'd rather be the bigger person than fight about it.
Five years later I'm still glad I did it. I'm smarter than he is, more highly educated, and have a better head on my shoulders (despite being an alcoholic, LOL), and I'll probably always earn more than he will. Over a lifetime, I'll more than come out on top financially, but what will stick me for the rest of my life is pride in having handled the whole mess with class and calm.
I'm sorry you have to deal with these things right now, but my advice is just to conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of and won't regret later, and in a few years it will all be behind you. Money comes and goes, but the gift of not having to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you unhappy is priceless.
@ twelve steps. eileen didn't MAKE me unhappy. But i couldn't be happy with someone who couldn't have any respect for me, didn't believe that I am changing and offers forgiveness to withdraw it later. we'd been separated for over 5 years. It was time to move on.
I'm not proud of the way I delivered my request for a divorce, I'm not proud that I later went and committed adultery (legally it was, morally maybe not), I'm not proud that I behaved in an unacceptable manner, but all these have brought me to what's right.
I kept giving her the bullets, she keeps on firing them, I pay the price of the consequences of my past behaviours (both in drink and recently in sobriety). sooner or later she'll run out of bullets then maybe we'll treat each other as human beings.
So long as I remember that I have all I need and some of what I want and as every day passes I get less of things that turn out bad then I'll get by.
initial anger has now turned to a sadness. I still say my marriage ended in January 06 when I left the family home. Eileen doesn't see it that way. She says it ended when I committed adultery in April this year. yet she keeps on referring to the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage from 06. She's very confused and confused people behave irrationally. Irrational behaviour is often hurtful to oneself in the long term and to others in the short term. So I still believe that she isn't being deliberately hurtful.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
@ twelve steps. eileen didn't MAKE me unhappy. But i couldn't be happy with someone who couldn't have any respect for me, didn't believe that I am changing and offers forgiveness to withdraw it later. we'd been separated for over 5 years. It was time to move on.
I'm not proud of the way I delivered my request for a divorce, I'm not proud that I later went and committed adultery (legally it was, morally maybe not), I'm not proud that I behaved in an unacceptable manner, but all these have brought me to what's right.
I kept giving her the bullets, she keeps on firing them, I pay the price of the consequences of my past behaviours (both in drink and recently in sobriety). sooner or later she'll run out of bullets then maybe we'll treat each other as human beings.
So long as I remember that I have all I need and some of what I want and as every day passes I get less of things that turn out bad then I'll get by.
initial anger has now turned to a sadness. I still say my marriage ended in January 06 when I left the family home. Eileen doesn't see it that way. She says it ended when I committed adultery in April this year. yet she keeps on referring to the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage from 06. She's very confused and confused people behave irrationally. Irrational behaviour is often hurtful to oneself in the long term and to others in the short term. So I still believe that she isn't being deliberately hurtful.
Well, I think the upshot of all this is you can leave the lid up on the toilet! You did the right thing BB. You preserved your integrity, you are providing for your kids through inheritance, and now.......although it costs materially, you are free spiritually. Plus you can decorate and dress however you damn well please.
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
@happycamper - thanks for the reminder! the ex has made an offer that is acceptable to me so I accepted it with a request for clarification on one point.
No she doesn't take everything, just a lot. No i don't get nothing, just less.
I'll have more than enough to start afresh, just that I'll maybe have to forget about new motorbikes, guitars and cars for a while.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I'll maybe have to forget about new motorbikes, guitars and cars for a while.
Old bikes are more your style, new guitars still think they're a tree and I'm sure you can find a nice FSO w/manual choke for sale somewhere near a Yank military base. Heck, may even be mine.
I really can't hope to say it better than the guy below who ended with "Peace Brother". I feel your pain and I am going thru a similar situation. Like our friend says below, spirituality is your top priority, it will get better, but not by Friday. Hang in there man, you will be in my thoughts and prayers over the holidays.
I firmly believe that homosexuals should have the same right to be miserable as heterosexuals 
