No, he isn't drinking or drugging. He's 13 and I don't know how to raise him. When I was 13 I started drinking and my Mom (dad died 6 years prior) was just too tired to deal with me. My behavior was horrible. I was criminal and when I wasn't getting the shit kicked out of me by my peers, I was dolling out violence of my own. I am frustrated.
My only examples of fathers were my friend's dads. Mostly violent drunks and workaholics.
I get some peace when I pray for him, then I feel like I'm asking God to do my job for me. That doesn't feel right.
I guess my question is...is there a balance between the self-assertion of being a responsible parent and the spiritual surrender of being sober? I can't find it.
I came from an alcoholic father + working mother environment. I didn't get into nearly as much trouble as I could have, but I didn't start my own drinking until college.
My stepdaughter was raised in a chaotic environment until I married her mom when she was 11, and provided a much more stable environment just as she hit her teens and became an alcoholic and addict. She got sober at 22, and my granddaughter was raised from age 1 in the rooms of AA... she's currently in jail.
The more I observe the world, the more I have to accept that kids are people just like me. They have free will - or as much of it as God (not me) gives them, and they will be what they will be.
My dad was oldest of 8 kids of a strict Presbyterian minister. The 8 kids ended up (4) alcoholics, (2) religious fanatics, (2) athiests, and one normal guy. Yeah that makes nine... one of the alcoholics was also a religious fanatic.
I was one of four. Two alcoholics.
Mom was oldest of 4 kids of strict evangelical Christians. None of the 4 are particularly religious today. One alcoholic with tentative sobriety. I think my uncle still chokes on the higher power part, which stems from his religious upbringing and a life of intellectual pursuits.
All of the stepkids I helped raise are currently alive, in reasonably good health, and not currently incarcerated. One has a masters degree.
I know another guy who is late 30s, came from a totally rotten childhood, abusive alcoholic father... and he's a completely normal guy, not an alcoholic. He has two brothers that I don't really know, but they haven't fared as well.
I think as parents the best thing we can do is live our lives and practice the principles to the best of our ability. Our kids do notice that, but don't be surprised if they don't say it out loud until they're 40. We have more influence than we think, but far less control than we want.
I think being a parent is one of the greatest lessons in powerlessness we can receive. When you would be willing to do anything, give anything, to save your child from pain... and realize that even that is not enough, that's powerlessness. And then you learn that she has to have that pain... just as I did.
My daughter had her moment of clarity in jail. I felt guilty for years about that... I didn't bail her out, I didn't visit her (she didn't ask me to)... until one day it hit me, who am I to deprive her of her moment of clarity?
Yeah, I didn't even have my own blood children, but I know what it's like to almost lose them. When I look at them today... and me today... I have to believe in a higher power. I sure as hell didn't fix them, any more than I fixed myself.
Barisax
-- Edited by barisax on Friday 2nd of December 2011 02:32:03 AM
No, he isn't drinking or drugging. He's 13 and I don't know how to raise him. When I was 13 I started drinking and my Mom (dad died 6 years prior) was just too tired to deal with me. My behavior was horrible. I was criminal and when I wasn't getting the shit kicked out of me by my peers, I was dolling out violence of my own. I am frustrated.
My only examples of fathers were my friend's dads. Mostly violent drunks and workaholics.
I get some peace when I pray for him, then I feel like I'm asking God to do my job for me. That doesn't feel right.
I guess my question is...is there a balance between the self-assertion of being a responsible parent and the spiritual surrender of being sober? I can't find it.
Thanks, Rob
He bud....You really should read Ch. 9 - The Family Afterward one more time. You may want to take a look at step 3 again too. Here are a couple things in that chapter that might help.
Page 124 BB
Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The alcoholic's past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the only one!
Page 127 BB
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.
Page 134 BB
The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his children. Their young minds were impressionable while he was drinking. Without saying so, they may cordially hate him for what he has done to them and to their mother. The children are sometimes dominated by a pathetic hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive and forget. This may hang on for months, long after their mother has accepted dad's new way of living and thinking.
In time they will see that he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know it.
Page 130 BB
Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness.
I get some peace when I pray for him, then I feel like I'm asking God to do my job for me. That doesn't feel right.
How did it feel when you took step 3? Pray for him to have the Wisdom that you were to sick to ask for yourself..Pray for him to be compassionate and useful to life. And then by example...show him how that is done.
-- Edited by Stepchild on Friday 2nd of December 2011 04:10:26 AM
I get some peace when I pray for him, then I feel like I'm asking God to do my job for me. That doesn't feel right.
I felt so exactly the same and it really blocked me for a long time.
Now I pray for guidance to do the right thing in the situation that is troubling me and it is amazing how much that helps. I still do not ask for a specific outcome. When my fear of the outcome is battling my faith I pray for serenity to accept.
The only advice I ever give my daughter with her rebellious son is Please just let him know your love is umconditional. Let him know the consequences for his behaviour will still happen but your support thru it are there.
After having worked with delinquent teen boys for so many years, I know what the common factor is.
#1 is having NO FATHER around.
So in saying that Rob, just telling your son you love him and trying to teach him right from wrong will have him 100 percent better off than most of the kids I deal with. No, it's not insurance against him having any problems later in life, but it sure helps.
In the end, we all just want a mom and dad that love/loved us.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
The worst feeling for me is that I was with my sons mom the first 6 years of his life, hes now 8, I know its better that Im not with her as Im no longer in love with her and all we did was fight but its hard to realize I dont get to see him everyday anymore due to my drinking..
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
The worst feeling for me is that I was with my sons mom the first 6 years of his life, hes now 8, I know its better that Im not with her as Im no longer in love with her and all we did was fight but its hard to realize I dont get to see him everyday anymore due to my drinking..
You're on the right path Steve...Just do what they tell you...Hang around with the winners...Study and follow the directions in that book...Go to meetings...ask questions....remain teachable....and learn to pray...practice it....it works...
When you do see that kid....It will mean so much more to both of you...Hang in there.
Hey Robb! Yes I can truly identify from both sides of the field.I started using before my 12th birthday and continued for next 25 years.8 years ago my now 25 year old son spent his life in active Heroin addiction,ripping ,robbing ,odying,jails ,institutions etc.The apple hadnt fell far from the tree.My then recovery of almost 20 years was shaken to the core.I found Nar-Anon(NO INTENDED ENDORSEMENT)and that helped me to learn to "detach with love' and realize I needed to ensure my recovery stayed intact. I knew there was nothing I could do to change him but I could establish boundaries and make sure I followed through on them.Putting him on the street, with $150.00 a day jones was the hardest thing I ever had to do,,,,,,,My son is now in recovery and I also work my program in a few fellowships. My son was also around 12 when he first started dabbling,no alcohol but X,crack,and then dope.Through a strong faith in the God of our understanding and application of spiritual principles of our program we were able to live thru the torment his life was showering on us. As an under age youth ,options were more limited.There were periods when he was in jail we were most relaxed.I can only suggest doing all you can to maintain your recovery(especially now for you, just coming back,the illness always wants us back.)I will keep you in prayer and in support.You can find help to learn how to deal with co-dependance,anger,fear addiction issues but most important to remember "not to use" that will only amplify trying situations..Keep sharing about your pain ,talk with your sponsor and make decisions and let your Higher Power work out the results.Life will keep coming at us ,its how we let it affect us that makes the difference...Just For Today,you never have to use again,stay focused and MORE IS ALWAYS REVEALED........peace.....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hey Mike....Glad to see your son is in recovery...Too many of these kids don't make it that far. I thank God I didn't have the toys around that these kids are playing with these days. Alcohol was enough to almost kill me. I went to a rehab with about 40 people in it...I think seven of us were alcokolics...The rest kids with opiates...Incredibly sad...
Hey AM, Mine are 12 and 9. I actually use the honesty of the program while raising them. I try and speak from my heart on spiritual mattters and, like you, I look to my HP for guidance. Having said that, it is a wild ride isn't it? Kids can just really shock you some times. I also subscribe to Pink Chip's thoughts on telling them you love them and hugging them as much as possible. They grow so fast.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I think that you can find that balance, but will always question it. Keep loving him and letting him know when he's getting off track (doing this is also loving him). Other than mariage, I think raising kids, especially teens, is the hardest job in the world. Rarely will anyone come along during those difficult times and tell you exactly what to do. I remember being on the receiving end of my teen daughters' screaming bouts. But, it gets better. The most difficult daughter is now appreciating her parents (she's 20). Andrew
Rob for me it was about learning to drop the prejudices I had...I am older and I am dad...Actually we had more incommon than not and I started telling him things like, "I know how I went thru what you're going thru." I actually had very similar experiences especially about being male.
Page 122 "years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic"
I've found this to be 100% correct in my case. I've 2 teenage sons. My eldest is Following in my footsteps it seems. It's like looking in the mirror 20 yrs ago. What can I do? Feel bad, guilty? No. Yes their behaviour had been learned I've no doubt, but to get all self piteous or woe is me over it never helped. Talking to my fellows who had EXPERIENCE, not opinions helped. Doing what was suggested in the BB AA has helped. All I can do is lead by example today. I cannot live his life for him. I have to let go and let him make his own mistakes. I cannot control him. When I try it gets worse. Caged lions will one day turn on those who caged them.
