I was talking to a friend from my homegroup and he had just completed his fifth step. He said to me that he didn't know it was about forgiving himself but thought it was about having God forgive him. I mentioned this to another family member in my HG, one with more sobriety than I have and he said that nowhere in the Big Book does it say we should forgive ourselves. I kind of felt that steps four through twelve were about that. But I couldn't find it in the BB either. I guess it is kind of implied but not written. What's your take on that??...Thanks.
I think it's a given when you consider the concept of accepting that your higher power has forgiven you. I was talking to someone the other day about this. Even when others have done us wrong we must forgive ourselves. Their is a perception, within, that we allowed others to do us wrong, even if we weren't able to stick up for ourselves at the time, perhaps because we were children, we still blamed ourselves for letting it happen. We also harmed ourselves when we did others wrong. So of course, forgiving ourselves is a necessary part of that healing process, whether or not it's mentioned in the literature.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 24th of November 2011 08:21:35 AM
You just hit upon one of the biggest problems I had to deal with when working through the first nine steps ... When I came to face steps 5, 6, and 7 I had a lot of difficulty ... My problem? ... I just couldn't ask to be forgiven for the things I'd done when I couldn't forgive myself ... Forgiving myself seemed an impossible task ... and how in the world can I ask someone else to forgive me when I could not forgive me? ... It became such a barrier to my progress that I brought it up in a 'closed' meeting ... Basically, here's what was said ...
I was asked, ... Do you believe in God(or your 'higher power')??? ... I said 'of course' I do ... they asked, ... Do you believe you have MORE power than God??? ... I said 'of course' not ... Then they said, ... If God can forgive you for your past wrongs, what makes you think you're so high and mighty that you can't forgive yourself??? ... 'nuff said ... I thought, how simple, of course if God will forgive me then I shouldn't have any difficulty doing the same for me ... and so my progress continued for yet another day ...
This is not spelled out in the BB but it is very much implied ...
Hope this helps, take care and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am usually very quick to grab the BB and the 12x12 and pull from them, however in this case I want to simply speak from the heart.
When I recovered from the shame associated with my history, self forgiveness was a part of that package. Guilt is from feeling bad about what I did, shame is from feeling bad about who and what I am. I still have a bit of lingering guilt but the shame has been washed out. I am no longer a piece of unsalvagable crap. I am a child of a loving God, who out of pure mercy and grace bestowed on me an entrustment He has denied many mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, husbands and wifes, doctors and therapist... the ability to reach the often unreachable... the suffering alcoholic. My history is a blessing, not something that needs to be forgiven, it is a very vital part of my life that allows me to be who and what I am today. The BB says, "Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake". I believe that, for if my history wasn't exactly what it was, my life would not be exactly what it is today.
When I recognize God's love for me, when I embrace it, I am forgiving. I am letting go... I am free from the bondage of self that held me capitive for 20 years.. self based in shame and self loathing.
As I have said, I refrain from calling myself a Christian, but if perhaps I was made in God's image, which I believe to be the true essence of Love, and I believe He has taken residence within... and I call myself an idiot... who have I just called an idiot? If I'm the off spring of such a loving and powerful God, and this is what I am claiming as my inheritance, shame, self loathing.... I might as well grap Him by the collar and smack the crap out of Him...
When I accept and acknowledge His forgiveness, I forsake any right to withhold it from myself. I take ownership of that forgiveness and the shame melts and I simply have to say "thank you for loving me, as a special child of yours that you place such trust in"...
I may have done and will do a few idiotodic things, but I'm not an idiot.. God didn't create idiots... He didn't created pieces of crap, or junk with manufacture defeats...
He created me and blew the breath of love in me so I could have it and share it with someone else.
He allowed me to go through the trials and tribulations of alcoholism, pulled me out of it victorously, and now utilizes it for His desire...
And I'm going to hold on to what He never gave to me... shame?
I let it go, and trust He knows my real heart, my spirit, my soul... and he found it to be salvagable... and so should I.
Either we have experienced a spiritual rebirth, been reborn as spoken of in the BB or we haven't. When we are.. there is nothing left to forgive, but simply allow it to be used as a gift from God to reach those that many have tried and failed... because He designed us to do so, and credit Him with the glory of it.
John
-- Edited by John on Thursday 24th of November 2011 02:57:36 PM
Aloha John and Haoli Ho`omaika`i...(happy thanks giving) It is a pleasure to read your share and to hear it in my head, heart, emotions and experiences all at the same time also. You came from my own recovering roots a true brother on the same journey. You have been blessed in and with that natural connection to the creator father. We are family. Mahalo Nui (Thanks Much) ((((hugs))))
What a great group of shares-so wonderful for this day of highlighted thanksgiving. I found that self-forgiveness, however hard and most times seemingly impossible, was absolutely essential to my sobriety. As long as I was holding back on working through to the other side of that I just couldn't move forward. What a reflief and a blessing to be free of that guilt, and most important, that awful shame.
I think forgiving oneself comes as part of steps 8 and 9. I heard a few people say that putting yourself on that list and making amends to yourself is a sign of ongoing ego inflation but I don't believe this to be the case. I did make amends to myself and continue to do so by recognizing I did great harm to myself and the amends I make is to live differently every day!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
For many years after getting sober I felt somehow unworthy of all the good things that were happening in my life. I felt I didn't really deserve all these wonderful things, so I guess that meant I hadn't forgiven myself. When I came in I had few if any resentments, mine was a burden of guilt and shame mostly. The resentments came later by the way!. In recent years God has widened the scope of my understanding to see that not only did I have a disease but also there were many other influences in my life over which I had no control, that made me what I became. Understanding that has been the final part of forgiving myself. The other has of course been the daily business of living this programme which has helped me become a better person, and that is tangible restitution .
Wow...What an awesome site...Put out a question and get feedback like this. I feel like dragging you guys with me to my morning meeting tommorow. Good stuff!
These are wonderful posts. It seems most agree that self-forgiveness is part of the process. But, how do you deal with self-forgiveness when others are still hurt by me and bring those previous bad choices? Andrew
You stop doing what hurt them using AA principles and tools like stepchild mentioned in another post. If others continue to bring them up after it is clear how you are trying and how you are changing (or changed) then that is their problem at that point.
Most of us thought we did things that were so horrible and unforgivable and this led us to staying in a drunk, self-medicated prison. TRUST ME, there is NOTHING you have done that one, some, or all of us have not done and when you work steps 4 through 9 with a sponsor, you will understand that even better.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you Stepchild! this is a prayer that was sent to me, so thought i would share it. "May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love. It is there for each and every one of us." for me, the only way I can live this way is for me to be sober and reaching out for emotional sobriety and spiritual growth, both of which AA and the steps help show me and grow me. jj
The BB alludes to it, but doesn't say it outright. The Lord's Prayer, however, does. "Forgive Us our trespasses AS we forgive those who trespassed against Us." Step 4 is full of prayers, as it is preceeded by Step 3. I can identify those to whom I am resentful to and fearful of and forgive them. Pray for God's help to forgive them. Only God can forgive me with complete absolution and no strings attached...as I forgive those who trespass against me. When I identify the character defects that propogated my part in the resentful feelings, I ask they be removed (Step 6 & 7) and when I go back and look at my list of harms done to others, I pray for god to take my will and make it his intent; that wrongs be righted.
When I listen for my God to move into the space I make for him in my being...I feel forgiveness. So yeah...this broken, perfectly flawed child of The Creator believes in forgiving myself. The oppposite is guilt and shame; things that get us drunk & dead.
