Stuck!

winnabago · Newbie

Stuck!

rrib · Senior Member

winnabago wrote:
I havent drank alcohol for almost a decade

What was it that Bill W. did to try and stay sober? Before there were meetings and sponsers to listen to him?

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Dear Winnebago,
As you know this is not a "quick fix". The 12 step program of AA gives you a "foundation" to work from. Many times you have "false starts" because you have not found the right combination of factors. The key factor is surrendering. You have admitted that in your post. Now for the God part. The concept of a Higher Power really gets people hung up especially people who are high energy or people who demand a lot from life. Your quote;
"I find it soo hard to do the same things each day, and found life on life's terms so slow. I am so used to acting out and have had no practise of acceptance."
Might mean you just are still pushing life's "envelope" or outer edge, and although you know you are powerless, you may not be ready to surrender. You are having a hard time finding a power in the universe greater than yourself. That happens all the time. It happened to me. What works for many is to just be honest about what you know and don't know about your Higher Power. Remember all the names of all the Gods and Goddesses man has named over the years? All were an attempt to define something in life we do not really understand. What worked for me was to jump on my knees and to pray " I do not know who I am praying to right now because I am confused. I am praying for goodness and peace to enter my life. I am confused because traditional religion is complex, and what I need right now is warmth and love and strength because I am weak and powerless. Whoever you might turn out to be, I know you are there, looking out for me, and I need to find you. Until I know You, please take my problems for today. Please take my burdens including my dependence on drugs and alcohol"
In other words, its not your problem you do not know your Higher Power yet. Your job is to just reach out and listen for an answer. No one here will dictate who your HP is. We all just hope you find Him or Her or It. It is the next step. Actively seek out your HP. Ask for help in moments of quiet meditation. Ask with genuine humility and honesty.
I have come to know my HP as a Father. My HP loves me even though I fail. My HP has given me strength, success, happiness, family etc, etc, all through sobriety. And after I was given all these gifts, I have still failed Him, AND he still forgives and loves me in the same way I love my boys when they are human and fail me. You do not have to be a Saint in this program, but you need to be honest in your failings and attempt to fix them as time goes on. It turns out for me, that over time I naturally found Christianity, and am an unapologetic Catholic, BUT that was over 20+ years of daily searching, and my relationship with my HP continues to grow. Its funny how my relationship stagnates when times are good and I forget my HP. Luckily, life keeps throwing us curve balls, and like any weak human, when life gets tough, I apologize to my HP for becoming lax and fall back in the pattern of seeking daily help.
I hope that helps. It is a simple program and I think your next step is finding a power greater than yourself, and possibly the next step is just "throwing it out there" to the universe through prayer, and listening for what comes back.
Prayers,
Tom

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

winnabago wrote:
I do have another sponsor but she maintains that AA doesn't give anymore than the ability not to drink. I am glad i don't drink but I want to feel...well better, part of. I got myself an online sponsor and we are on step 2. The trouble is i feel like God is not here, I feel alone. I feel that staying sober each day is not enough. And I'm stuck.helllllp! xx

Welcome winnabago, ... Glad you're here, ...

If you have a good sponsor and work the program with the enthusiasm of a drowning man trying to get to shore, then you'll find that AA offers much, much more than just a way to stay sober ... anyone who says that AA doesn't give anymore than the ability not to drink is either a) not working the program properly, or b) is an idiot ...

One critical part of AA is that we learn to invite God into our lives ... each and every day pg. 86/7 of the BB ... If you're struggling with your 'concept' of God, and no matter what you do, you just don't 'feel' anything, then your eyes may still be a bit closed ... I read a non-AA book that made a BIG difference to me in how I perceived who God really Is ... there's a book called 'The Shack' by William P. Young that just absolutely 'blew me away' ... the 1st half of the book was very sad, but the second half will take you away in your mind to a place where dreams are born ... (the book is paperback and pretty cheap) ... Treat yourself to a fantastic read ...

And you're right, just staying sober is not enough ... if we didn't learn to love ourselves and to love life, then what's the use? ... right? ... Learning to stay sober is learning how to love again ... and waking up to the glory of our creator so that we may participate in life once again ... It's learning that spirituality is not just a way of life for us, it's learning that it's the only way of life for us ... Personally, I have found a peace and joy and purpose in life I never knew existed before AA ... I pray you find the same ...

Love ya and God Bless,

Pappy

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello Winnebago,

please don't take offense to these observations, try to analyze them instead. Your post smacks of uniqueness and personal disqualification (comparing out). The program is pretty simple and is laid out well (comprehensible). what you seem to be asking is the how and why to work a custom program and get the same results as those who followed it by the book. There is no data (besides personal annecdotes) for success while winging it. personally, I tried to do it "my way" for the first two years and the result was nil. I had neither sobriety or sanity, and it was the later that I came here for, and I suspect that's why your here also. as for spirituality, the book does a good job explaining how to go about acquiring it. of course there are a lot of other avenues to take in addition. good luck with it.

HeatherK · Veteran Member

God is here, but you are sadly too self absorbed to see it.

I'm not saying that to be mean, but frankly when we are operating completely on self-will, we wouldn't know God's will if it bit us on the arse...and believe me, it will. Another thing that comes with a classically alcoholic overactive ego, is that everyone and everything ELSE will be blamed for the alcoholic's misery, while clearly the alcoholic's life is falling apart.

Let's look at your record (which has also been my record- a broken one of the past!): Seeking chaos in relationships, poor moral choices, inability to keep a job, fear based decision making, pulling geographicals to try to "fix" the problem, rebelliousness, finding fault in and blaming others, being the victim, focusing on differences instead of commonalities, wanting closeness but pushing people away at the same time. These are common alcoholic behaviors, and will most likely continue unless help is sought.

The help I am suggesting is found in AA, with your Higher Power guiding you. Your first sponsor and several others who responded to you about doing the work as though your life depended on it...well, they were right. WE have to be willing, open-minded and honest. Doing things as we have always done and expecting different results in insanity, and will not keep us sober.

I've been where you are. I've resisted the suggestions, because I am rebellious and don't like "rules." I have fired well meaning sponsors, blaming them for not being right for me or "good enough" but really I was not willing to do the work suggested and was making rash decisions in fear. These wise women have forgiven me, and I finally saw that the common denominator in all my failures (or mis-takes) was ME. I was the problem. My alcoholic brain and my ego kept me ill for a long time, but once I became willing to do things differently, life became manageable. It became beautiful. I now have a faith in my HP stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have healed family relationships through living amends, I have true friends in the fellowship, I can be a loving, consistent, positive parent to my two children, I have a wonderful sponsor, I sponsor women and carry the message, I have a great job, a nicer house than I have ever imagined living in, and all because I have become willing. Now I am still willing, I work a constant step 10-11-12, and share my experience, strength, and hope with newcomers. I have service positions, chair and secretary meetings weekly, answer phones, anything I can do to help the still suffering alcoholic.

Best of all, I have faith and love in my heart to give and I miraculously want to give love to others. When I first came in here nearly 2 years ago I was a suicidal, selfish, broken drunk. I was filled with self-loathing, and instead of facing that inward pain, I lashed out at others, pointing the finger at everyone else, being the perpetual victim. Today, I have learned, grown, and have forgiven myself and ALL others for wrongdoings. Today I know my purpose, to give love, and I have as a result, true inner peace.

If you want what we've got, most likely you're going to have to do what we've done to get it. Work your triangle. If you still are operating in ego-selfishness and self-pity, perhaps you aren't ready to be honest with yourself. Maybe you're not done. If you aren't ready to grasp this program, not to worry, your misery can be refunded to you 100%. I get what you're saying about sobriety being boring at times, when you've lived a drama filled, chaotic life, stability can become rather stagnant. I spice things up with different activities and volunteering in the fellowship. Sober bowling, sober karaoke, campouts and bbq's, alcathons at the local alano club, going on road trips to new meetings, making new friends and trying new things with them, taking cooking classes, reading new books. I know it is different than my old life, but my "right now" is pretty fantastic. Life is good on the AA carousel, and maybe I'm getting too old for thrill seeking and puke inducing roller coasters anyway. :)

Best wishes and good luck to you, my friend. It works if you work it and you are worth it!
Your sober sister, Heather

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Ditto Heather.

Welcome Winnebago...Hope to hear back from you.

Mark

winnabago · Newbie

Hi and thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and get back to me. Tom I really like what you wrote; well I know I am still resisting to have complete acceptance of my life the way it is. When I was out running today I said a prayer like the one you suggested. I think what has been said about my ego being large and me exibiting a large amount of self pity is true! I would like advise on how to combat this!
We will be moving countries in two weeks time so I will do my best to be program working online. I think that it was the sense of limbo that made me feel as though I no longer belonged in the local meetings and the old relationship with my sponsor. (what happened between us was far more complicated than me being unwilling to work the programme).
I am a new mum and don't yet have the funds or ability to do any of the social activities listed above with a baby, if only it were that simple! However in the country we will be moving to there will be more opportunities I hope . From being in the fship I have realised true happiness does come from me helping others.
To clarify further I was asking for help because I feel stuck in relating to God at the moment in this stage of my life. It has been really easy when I have alot to do, when I was studying for my degree or doing voluntary work, but at the moment being with my little girl and having large amounts of time to fill with no money is causing me anxiety. I wonder if anyone has been through anything similar? I am glad to have found this forum I hope it can further my AA journey and allow me to give it back x

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Winnabago,
So, if I have this right, you are feeling a spiritual void, and you fear for your sobriety? Just a little more background on you and the program. Have you worked the steps? I found that the steps centered my life and built my foundation. If you have completed the steps, many times re accomplishing the steps brings on a new understanding. You probably have this already, but I use it on the computer a lot for reference.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Sometimes it is a problem finding a sponsor. Like Heather said, sometimes we reject a great sponsor early, because we are not ready to fully grasp the program. For some folks like Heather and Myself, that was a sad part of our growing process in the program (But, one that can be fixed by AA by making amends!) Anyhow, use this board to keep in touch with the program while you are in the middle of your move. Give us more info, and as we become aquainted, you will get some honest feedback.

On the prayer thing, GREAT! Keep it up. Keep searching for a relationship with the undefined thing in the universe that is greater than you, and the simplest way is simply asking for help through meditation or prayer!

Tom

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Winny it might be helpful if you share (with us) the country that you are moving to. We have a lot of resources here, worldwide meeting schedules. There are very few countries we AA doesn't have meetings.

winnabago · Newbie

We are moving to Norway, the outskirts Haugesund, to begin with my partners partents. There are no English speaking meetings, but one in Stavanger, which I am praying I can get to if my partner lands a job there. I have been to foreighn meetings before but as I understand so little of the language I didn't understand anything!

Tom, I have worked through the steps a number of times. I am re going over them with an online sponsor and on steps 2 and 3. x I don't fear for my sobriety, my fear ios based on not having enough to do and not having much contact with people outside out home.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

winnabago wrote:
We are moving to Norway, the outskirts Haugesund, to begin with my partners partents. There are no English speaking meetings, but one in Stavanger, which I am praying I can get to if my partner lands a job there. I have been to foreighn meetings before but as I understand so little of the language I didn't understand anything!

Tom, I have worked through the steps a number of times. I am re going over them with an online sponsor and on steps 2 and 3. x I don't fear for my sobriety, my fear ios based on not having enough to do and not having much contact with people outside out home.

Ahhhh! OK, I am with you. That does sound a bit tricky. Can you email anyone on the local group through your partner (using your partners language skills) and ask for suggestions? Forgive me for prying into your status, but I was trying to synch my brain on your problem.

Tom

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

Welcome, keep coming back until you get a local sponsor/meetings. This board is always here for us and sometimes it feels like a minimeeting in itselft.. Glad to see you here!