I am 11 years in recovery. I have had my current sponsor for the past 5 years. I don't know what to think about our relationship. We both had children in the last 3 years. When we meet, it is usually with them and it is hard to talk. The past few times we have met, which isn't often as we can speak on the phone, she has appeared disinterested and quiet. I talk recovery with her but she doesn't say much in response. She is preoccupied with her child (as I am too but I am more able to detach). We meet in parks so the children can play and I end up following her around talking and I am not comfortable with this. I feel insignificant and a nuisance. I fear she is over sponsoring me and wants to move on but has not said anything like this. I am wondering if I should look for a new sponsor or have this out with her?
Hi Kristel and welcome to MIP. I'm Mike, a recovered alcoholic. Nice to have a neighbour around, I live just the other side of the Tasman. It's a good subject to raise, sponsorship, one that seems to have changed in definition over the years. When I came in the sponsor had a finite role, to take me through the steps and teach me to teach the steps. In addition my sponsor helped with all the trials and pitfalls of early sobriety, taught me how to think not what to think and generally set me on the path to recovery. Then at about 4 years he told me I no longer needed a sponsor, that his job was done. Of course there was more to it, he always stressed that people had feet of clay - they will let you down one way or another. It's happened with your sponsor, her life has changed as has yours, and it will change again. It's the nature of life on earth, the ever constant rock in human form cannot be found, people are unreliable, we cannot depend on them. My sponsor's work with me on the steps put me in touch with the God of my understanding, ever constant and reliable through thick and thin, my dependence on Him has never been misplaced. I am so glad he did this for me because as life has gone on, feet of clay became apparent in ways I hadn't thought of. In my sober life there were three rocks to whom I could always turn for advice, encouragement etc. My wife of nearly 20 years, my father, my sponsor. Now they have all passed away and my children, my partner, the men I sponsor look to me to be their rock. I can do this only with God's help. "We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self pity, dishonest or self seeking motives... As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to oursleves many times each day 'Thy will be done". p86/7 Big Book. These days I sometimes think sponsorship can go too far, into the realms of life coach, therapist and political leader all rolled into one, and some less than healthy dependencies result. It's important to remember that we were beyond human aid. My suggestion is to start living steps 10,11 and 12 and life will be too full to worry about a sponsor, your dependence will be in the right place
God bless, MikeH.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Monday 21st of November 2011 05:18:03 AM
What you wrote was lovely. I feel too that it is time to move on. I don't want to fall out with her but I wonder if I should say it's time to move on or just let it die out, which I think it will do as it is I who fans the flames. It's that thing of being a little scared to go alone but as you say, steps 10 11 12 beckon. She did not take me through the last 3 but the literature is clear enough. Thank you for taking the time to answer me.
Your post is very timely for me, and Mike's response was just what I needed to hear also ... thanks Mike ... I'm coming up on four years and have sponsored four ... they can really keep me busy at times ... (one way to really get into the AA program is to sponsor somebody, then you have to 'know' the program and you find yourself re-working the steps, which is a good thing) ... Of my four sponsees, two have over 2 years and one dissappeared and the other is dragging his feet ... Oh well, I can't work the program or steps for them ... Any way, I just wanted to say that in the last couple of years it seems that I also out-grew my sponsor, in the area of spirituality ... Although my sponsor is a great guy, his spiritual conviction doesn't seem to inspire me any longer, in fact, it seems the other way around ...
So I firmly believe you can outgrow your sponsor and find it necessary to move on ... And I really kind of think Mike is right about the 'getting started' period ... Sponsorship was very important for me to begin with, but now I seem to find my guidance in the group, at meetings and of course here on the 'net' as well ... I'm comfortable living in steps 10, 11, & 12 and if I find I need something extra, like a push, or a shoulder to cry on, or any other kind of support, I have that readily available in my 'home group' ... or even here where the 'face-to-face' thing isn't embarressing ... I have enough phone #'s to be able to talk to just about anyone I need at any time the situation calls for it, so do I need a sponsor anymore? ... I think it's up to the individual ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The program teaches me honesty and I am to practice this principle in all my affairs.
I dont usually beat around the bush with sponsee's, and I rarely did with my own sponsor ( when she was alive ).
I dont find it healthy for me to waste my time trying to figure out what other ppl are thinking. I just come right out and ask them. Of course, praying about it all and asking for Gods guidance ... let the thoughts be His and the words be mine.
I think you should be able to talk to your sponsor about anything....including this. If you have the nagging thoughts, that is interfering with your recovery. Just be humble and acknowledge you could be wrong when you bring it up. Those are my thoughts... Not sure what is right.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 21st of November 2011 11:13:20 PM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It's that thing of being a little scared to go alone but as you say, steps 10 11 12 beckon.
Hi Krystel, A interesting topic you brought up.
As for being scared to go it alone, if you are into step 12 and helping others you will never be lonely.
The last paragraph Mike wrote is pretty much on the money.
I wouldn't be too quick to fault your sponsor, She probably looks at you more as a good friend and partner in recovery at this point, especially if you are getting together with your kids, at 11 years sober there shouldn't be much sponsoring left to be done.
If you want to have a serious recovery one-on-one, it always works best for me to set it up to meet before or after a AA meeting with no kids etc.
Hope you will stay tuned here and continue to share your ESH.
take care,
Rob
-- Edited by Rob84 on Tuesday 22nd of November 2011 12:32:35 AM
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
