Since 1996 I have been coming in and out of the doors of AA. I've stayed dry 18 months, 9 months, 13 months... nothing permanent. As relapse and drinking goes, of course I have wrecked my life. Of course that doesn't feel good. Running from everything and now abrubtly quit running, the feelings are running rampant. My life has been governed by the way I feel. I drank because I liked the effect it had on my feelings. I drank because I am powerless over alcohol and only sought recovery as a feeling changer. I seek recovery today because I do not want to drink today. My feelings must take a back seat. JOB OR NO JOB WIFE OR NO WIFE- FEELING GOOD OR BAD, with my dependence on God has kept me away from a drink today. There is one fundamental foundation principle I finally learned from my sponsor that I have missed throughout all these years. It is simply helping others. It is what keeps me from the excessive thoughts of myself and my feelings. As a newcomer, how do I be of service to others? Listen to someone who needs to talk. Clean up after meetings. Hold the door for someone. Ask someone how they are today without talking about me so much. This all takes practice for someone as self-centered as I have been. It's been 6 days since my last drink. I hurt. I am scared. Regretful. Desperate. Remorseful. And I am hopeful. You who are sober felt just like this. You are ok and I know it. I surrender. No matter how I feel, today alcohol is not an option. I am going to a meeting with a guy who is new for the fisrt time and feeling worse than me. He is 58 and just now coming to AA. I am 42 and know the solution. I have a network of men in AA. I may feel lost from time to time, but it is just a feeling. I don't wanna compare myself to him in order to feel better. I am just grateful that I know beyond any shadow of doubt that the program of AA is working for you all and is working for me today. I prayed to God to help me stay sober today, to be of help to someone today and thanked Him for waking me up this morning. I need you guys. My life depends on it. Thank you for being here.
Thanks for your share. Despite how I felt, I needed a sponsor to guide me very strongly in the beginning, until I found strength to work the program.
I yielded to another human being for the very first time in my life and he guided me to take the necessary steps to get well.
I also got working with others and started to take newcomers to meetings. They kept me sober even if they failed. There is no shortage of new people in AA to keep me sober and also keep me from my self and self pity.
Hey David, ... I believe it was '96 that I 1st tried AA ... and like you, I got 9 months here a few more down the line and so on ... then in '08 I nearly died from alcohol, went into treatment a day after a blackout and still read .38 BA level when tested ... My liver had shut down and I had started to turn yellow(juandiced) ...
Working with other alcoholics is certainly a key to sobriety, but it's just one key, and it's one that helps 'AFTER' you've successfully worked the steps ... For me, steps one and two were easy, step three is where I found I'd never been totally honest with my self ... Early on, I just played a game with the others and told them what I thought they wanted me to say and believe ... I fooled no-one back then but myself ... It wasn't until I became totally honest and admitted to myself that I really had no solid concept of God ... As it happened, I was given a book to read by a therapist in rehab because he said he thought I might get something out of it, and BAM, within those pages, I found a concept of God that I could wrap my mind around and then the program fell into place for me ...
The desire to drink has totally been lifted from me and as they say, the rest is history ... It's been a few years now, but I still pray everyday and go to meetings and talk to my sponsor and I have four sponsees ... I couldn't just leave AA because I had gotten and stayed sober for a while, I have stayed in AA and actively apply the principles in all my daily affairs ... it really is a new way of living and a great one, to finally have worth in life and to finally have something I can give away that will actually help someone else is the greatest possession I have ... And I have God and the folks in AA both at home and on the internet to thank for this gift ... Today, by the grace of God and AA I've not found it necessary to take a drink nor any mind-altering drug ...
May God Bless You and show you the way, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You're right David...Life is not governed by feelings alone. It's what we make of it, pure and simple. I hope you continue strive for something better, my friend, because you deserve that much more out of life...guaranteed.
Remember...drinking never solves anything, even though it masquerades as one. The only solution for me is not to drink, and where that starts and ends for me is simple really...It's "AA" all the way or bust. I'll choose "AA", for today. And I hope you do as well.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 15th of November 2011 04:07:02 AM
David W, thank you so much for being a part of MIP and wanting to share your experience with the newcomer and all of us in AA. feelings are so treacherous, they can lead us astray and even kill us. they are an early warning system that alcohol has corrupted. we cannot trust them. we have to trust our Higer Power and others in AA until our system gets rebooted, overhauled, or replaced. reprogramming does not always work because feelings are so strong. doing the steps shows us how to overhaul the erroneous feelings and replace old feelings with facts. what is important is we have a new day to learn and grow, concentrating on our emotional and spiritual growth... it is not "how we feel about today" that matters. It is not about how we feel about ourselves or others. it is about realizing we have another chance to open our minds and hearts to others by listening to and believing the Promises. jj/sheila
