For sure there is always some work to do. But on the thinking about having a drink aspect, I had heard, early on, to pray to have the obsession to drink removed. I did start praying daily for this at about 1 month and have not had a real serious thought of drinking since I finished my 5th step at 6 months. We all go through situations that we are typically powerless over (that's the stuff that irritates us the most) and that's when we have to apply the "No matter what I'm Not going to drink over this". I may obsess over the problem (instead of moving toward finding the solution) a little longer than I should sometimes, but the thought of drinking over it just never comes up anymore. And I believe that happens for all of us, over time, if it's our intention and we take the proper actions, like you said, to strengthen our spiritual condition and build our sober identity. I does take some time and repetition. Hang in there and definitely don't beat yourself up over what I'd call a "normal thought process for an alcoholic" at your stage of recovery. Our goal is to change the thought process by taking alternative action, rinse and repeat.

Hi Angelov,

Thanks for speaking up. I agree with both Dean and "TG". Prayer is a good outlet for change, especially when I get squirrelly. I pray for willingness mostly, that and a contrite spirit. A peaceful resolve to quell life's uncertain moments. Anything that can quiet my demeanor during the storms of life is worth pursuing, trust me. I also look for certain signs -spiritual signs mostly, in both life and sobriety. Anything that can provide me with greater insights into the spiritual life is also worth pursuing. And I do so with the hopes of remaining sober, for today.

My other dilemma centered around change, or not changing. And where I would eventually go from here. I had some trouble with relationships also, which increased my anxiety 10 fold. I couldn't control my emotions, fell prey to misery and depression, felt useless, unhappy and full of fear. I couldn't be of service to anyone, especially those in recovery. And here's the kicker, I felt like drinking...more and more every day. I needed to change or die trying. So change I did...

That change didn't materialize overnight -like Dean said, it matured over time. I needed to address my concerns about drinking, first and foremost, and the rest has been resolved through a "trial and error" process over the last 10+ years. I needed to adopt a solid yet sober based recovery routine and connect with other recovering alcoholics through my sober network. And when I got that down pat, the rest of my problems began to "resolve itself" over time. I began to recover from both drinking and its harmful side effects, and have done so with the help of my addiction counselor, therapist, and sober network. So, give time, time and recovery that much more. Both of which can help you "pave a road to greater successes", now and in the future.

~God bless~

-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 6th of November 2011 01:53:30 AM

Thank you for the replies.  It's good to be reminded continually that I'm never alone, and moreover there's my people all over the globe.  Luckily I am not struck with desire to drink at all.  That was removed for me about a year and a half ago after doing the first three steps.  What my negative thoughts try to convince me is that I don't fit anywhere, even in the social heirarchy of AA, that people are fake and just being nice b/c their supposed to, no one cares for me except my HP and a few others.  Also, that I don't like anyone.  It goes on and on and it bores me to tears to tell it in detail.  The end result if these sorts of thoughts are allowed to run rampant is wallowing in self-pity, depression, low self-esteem and a disconnection from principles and HP.  It starts to turn into isolating behaviors.  This is a state that could lead to a drink, not because I would have any illusions that it would help or do me any good, but the thinking would be that I hate everything, the world sucks, I suck... then why not do the most destructive and hurtful thing I can think of...Screw everything, maybe I'll get drunk enough to find the gun I know my husband never got rid of.

OK so this time I didn't take it that far, just recognized the beginnings of the evil voice which I KNOW is not God, because my HP is loving and kind, not hateful.

Mr. David, your second paragraph totally highlighted for me what I was getting at about change/resistance to change.  The whole mood swing started right after I talked to my sponsor about the sneaky desire to be satisfied, to have arrived, which would seem relaxing.  I have trouble relaxing and enjoying myself.  Then she shared an exchange between Bill and Father Dowling that was meant to reassure that my feeling were normal.  I then heard basically the same thing at the next meeting I went to.  Then had a total inner rebellion.  The other thing suggested is that my discomfort is because the unviverse is indicating that I'm ready for big change.  I'm very resistant yet I can barely stand conditions as they are, particularly in my home situation living with an untreated alcoholic and largely the same deal all over the place at work for days a week.

Prayer is a constant and I'm getting down on the ground more often to emphacise the time set aside.  It helps.  I still can't tell what to do next.  I'm reminded of a phrase that was shared recently, "God can't drive a parked car."  I might be stuck frozen in neutral.    Thanks 

-- Edited by angelov8 on Sunday 6th of November 2011 11:10:30 PM

Thank you Rob.  I have to believe that I would not  have been brought this far to be dumped upside down.  When the way is not clear, it's tough swallowing the concept that everything is for a reason.  I do have choices and I must choose not to drink no matter what.  That is for sure.  It's good that at least that is as clear as fresh creek water.

Ange,
there is a lot of wisdom in what Pappy is saying. In fact I had been thinking about your posts along the same lines, that is the big changes that have to be made and how to make them. I've been in this programme quite a while now and the more I get to know about it, the more I realise I didn't understand in the beginning. Understanding for me has only come with hindsight so virtually every action I have taken has been on the advice of other members and an almost blind faith that if I did what they suggested, then I might recover. So as I look back, I can see how it worked. As Pappy says the changes are to do with thinking as opposed to the more obvious rearranging of the deck chairs on the Titanic. I lacked the ability to change my own thinking, I know it was bad because my sponsor told me years later that he was sometimes horrified at some of the things that came out of my mouth, but being fairly well insane I was unaware of this. So I began trying to live the programme. This started with daily prayer(step 3) which seemed to lead me to want to take action on 4&5 the results of which so closely tallied with the promises that I became even more motivated 6,7,8&9, then began my lifelong work with 10,11 and 12. While I was doing all this to the best of my very limited ability, a personality change was going on. I began to act differently, in a good way, but without any apparent effort on my part. I would look back and say wow! what happened there, that wasn't me. Somewhere in the book it talks about these things happening automatically, that God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. Of course sometimes the answer to a prayer is a call for action, an amends, a decision, and we must not shrink from this. As God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves, conversely, he does not do what we can do for ourselves.

God bless,
Mike.