Today, I am sober 5 days. Although this isn't a huge accomplishment for me because I tend to follow the binge drinking cycle of alcoholism, I am really struggling today. Today being Friday, I feel very triggered to go out and grab "a few" (read: as many as it takes to black out, and then many more) drinks with my friends.
I am irritated because I just got back from an early dinner with one of these friends, who more or less told me that my problem with alcohol is all in my head. While I don't think he was trying to be unsupportive or discouraging, that is exactly what he was. He reminded me that the key is to drink in moderation. I kept trying to explain to him that this is simply not an option for me. Once I start, there is very rarely a point to turn back. Those very rare instances surround rare circumstances. If I go out tonight with the idea that I will just drink a few, I know the next thing I will be aware of is waking up tomorrow morning, confused, not knowing how I got home, or what (not if) I did to embarrass myself this time. It has just happened too many times.
I guess the reason I wanted to post is because I'm wondering how others have made the early transition into sobriety. I'm only 23 so most of my friends do spend the weekends out drinking. In my opinion, some of them seem to have no problem with alcohol, some of them simply seem to abuse it, and some of them are in the same alcoholic boat that I am. But most everyone I have been friends with over the past several years drinks; if not frequently, at least on the weekends. I'm wondering how I will spend my weekends and other free time from here on out. Some activities that come to mind are going to dinner, the movies, or bowling. BUT even when I have done these things in the past, drinking has been involved. Do I need to stop associating with my friends who drink in case they trigger me? Do I need to make all new friends who never drink? I don't want to tell others they cannot drink around me, but I know that being around anyone drinking is very dangerous for me, especially so early in my journey to sobriety.
I am pretty social person, but I've spent most of the past week at home by myself. I'm just not sure what to do with myself. In the meantime, I'm about to leave to head to an AA meeting right now.
Congratulations on 5 days and heading to a meeting! I would say this early in your journey definitely being alcohol is not good. I wish when I was your age, I had the courage to admit to myself I had a drinking problem......the problem was my drinking! Now I've got 30 years on you and a lot of wreckage in between.
Just for today, let's stay sober.....one day at a time.
Welcome to "MIP". I, too, suffered through many transitional challenges as well during early recovery, and was emotionally unstable for many years after that. I wondered: What does it feel like to be emotionally secure? Even in recovery? And where do I go from here? I wandered aimlessly through the revolving doorways of my drinking past looking for any clue to my newfound identity, but finding none. The only thing left from my chaotic lifestyle was the stale stench of days long gone. The party was over and it was time for me to move on, period. However, it didn't happen...quite yet.
I guess what triggered my numerous relapses was my lack of "independence", by far. I became "dependent" on the very people who were causing me to fail. Who I thought were my friends, actually turned out to be far worse. They were supposed to be a source of comfort, my trusted allies, my whimsical brethren, and friends to the end. But, they weren't. And that needed to change most of all. So, what did I do?
The answer (for me) was quite clear and precisely what I needed to hear, even though it hurt. My new sponsor clued me in on something I didn't Know; I was too dependent. According to Bill W: "Our basic flaw had always been dependence -almost absolute dependence- on people or circumstances; to supply us with prestige, security, and the like". "Failing to get these things according to Bill W was a blow to our pride". "We fought for these things so we must have them, and when we didn't get them, we felt defeated". "And when defeat came, so did our drinking". End of story...
Here's where the plot thickens. And can be a make or break point, for us in recovery. Closing the door on our past is the first step to a more promising future, and can be a fulfillment of sorts if we are to experience "life" after the drink. I needed to break away from the chaos surrounding my life, and focus primarily on recovery. And when I did something amazing happened, I felt independent for the very first time...thank God.
Recovering alcoholics need to adopt an independent mindset, and free themselves from the bondage of co-dependence, above all else. People who "do" become independent and desire a better life for themselves beyond recovery, will be far better off than most of us who don't. Those of us who choose not to, and continue to tread the dependent bi-ways of life will undoubtedly be searching for a connection somewhere, including our old safe havens. The question is...which person are we?
The answer for me was again quite clear. I didn't drink anymore, period. So what's my next choice? And where do I go from here? That's a question we need to ask ourselves on a daily basis. Why? Well...it's simple, really. If we remain dependent -not independent, and live by our own devices above all else, we can be on the verge of another doomed recovery. But if we dissolve ourselves from our dependent ways by moving on like we should, than we have a fighting chance at recovery, for today. That, my friend, is how life evolves, over time. And I hope that can begin for you, starting today.
~God bless~
P.S. The big book has outlined a need for "emotional sobriety", and the 4th step is where it begins. Spiritual enlightenment was also a huge step in balancing my emotional well being, so I suggest you further that need today, as best you can.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 5th of November 2011 01:47:31 AM
Welcome to the MIP board. I got sober in the rooms of AA at age 24 and now have 27 yrs sober. You did the right thing going to a meeting. Go to as many as you can, try different meetings, get a home-group you feel comfortable with.
It is best to stay clear of the drinking scene with friends for a while. If you really want to get sober it has to be your #1 priority. To most people drinking is really not that important, it's important to us cause it's all we know and we can't imagine giving up the thing that is ruining our lives and keeps kicking us in the teeth....insanity huh?
I had the same feeling you did, what about friends and social life?? Came to find it was never about the friends or being social really, just about the buzz.
If you take the next year to work on you, getting sober and the AA program, you will have a much better social life and more friends than you can imagine. Your old/real friends will still be there and respect what you are doing.
Just hit a lot of meetings on the weekends maybe start working-out. Once the shackles of alcoholism are off you will find some hobbies and interests.
Hope this helps.
Take care,
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I came to AA at age 31. I didn't have to worry about what my friends thought because I didn't really have any friends.
I've always had a lot of hobbies and activities, ever since I was a kid. Drinking slowly eroded away my time spent on these things, until basically my hobby was drinking and thinking about what I was going to do someday. So when I stopped drinking, it's not like I didn't have anything to do.
I'm a night owl... always was, still am. That didn't change when I stopped drinking. I started a business and spent some of those former late night drinking hours on that. Life just started to fill in where drinking used to occupy a pretty large footprint. I remember thinking, I don't have time to go to an AA meeting every day. Yet, once I removed the 4, 5, 6 hour block of drinking from my schedule, I had time for the meeting and then some.
I would agree that being around drinking is a bad idea when new in sobriety. All of us are going to be around alcohol sooner or later, but all's fair in early sobriety. All's fair in sobriety, period. It's not "cheating" to stay away from your drinking friends, any more than it's cheating to swerve your car to avoid a fatal crash.
I found my thoughts of drinking all originated inside my own head. Sure, I had people offer me drinks, even pester me... I've been to bars, around people drinking, even around people that were pretty drunk. None were as dangerous as what goes on between my ears. Especially when that brain is left alone too long.
I did the first 21 in rehab so that helped but aside from meetings or exercise I really liked doing bang-crash stuff in the shed. Hammering and powertool sort of stuff. Blowing stuff up in computer games was also a good way to busy me.
As has been said: stay away from unsafe places early on. You'll know when those situations don't bother you but for now be careful. And try not to think too much right now. Your mind isn't really on your side at the moment.
I got sober at 22, same age more or less as you and Rob and I am coming up 32 years in February. So you can see AA is a long term solution. Like Bari, I didn't have a problem about friends, there weren't any. Total immersion in AA for the first few weeks, was what saved my life. On going into drinking environments in early sobriety it is said that if you sit in the barber's chair long enough, you'll get a hair cut - nothing surer. Good luck JR and I look forward to hearing of your progress.
"He reminded me that the key is to drink in moderation. I kept trying to explain to him that this is simply not an option for me."
Sadly, I think we have all had friends who can't imagine having fun without alcohol and don't want to lose one of their drinking buddies, so they selfishly try and sabotage our attempts to stay sober. Just remember that what your friend says is about HIM, not about YOU.
I've also had friends who had trouble accepting that I had a problem with alcohol because maybe they drank more than I did, and were afraid to admit that my having a problem might mean they might have a problem, too.
That doesn't mean you have to stop associating with those friends, but you are on the right track in suggesting activities that don't involve drinking. Go out for brunch, go for a bike ride, etc. As you are sober longer, you will realize how many fun things there are to do that do NOT involve drinking. Also, as I became more secure in my sobriety, I was able to hang out at a bar, etc. with friends and not feel triggered.
Just hang in there. It will get easier. You are doing the right thing and are to be commended for recognizing your need to stop drinking.
"I would agree that being around drinking is a bad idea when new in sobriety. All of us are going to be around alcohol sooner or later, but all's fair in early sobriety. All's fair in sobriety, period. It's not "cheating" to stay away from your drinking friends, any more than it's cheating to swerve your car to avoid a fatal crash."
These are wise words. In my experience, I would not be around drinking and partying because I didn't have the tools to cope successfully in these kinds of situations yet. As I work the steps and learn more about my disease I am becoming more comfortable and am not afraid of being with others who are drinking but, on the other hand, I don't seek out them out either.
Life is rich and there are lots of things to do that don't involve alcohol. Being social with people from AA has shown me that.
All the very best to you and congrats on starting what can be an amazing journey. :)
-- Edited by vixen on Saturday 5th of November 2011 11:01:47 AM
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
JRP. You got some great responses. I think that for now, it is best to put your drinking friends on hold. You need to look out for #1 and your sobriety is more important than pleasing them and remaining part of their pack. At this point, it's healthier for your growth to hang around people in the fellowship (even if they are older on average). We are talking about your life here and you can have a full and fun life without alcohol. When I was 23, you could only tell me apart from my other drinking friends by the fact that I drank more and passed out like you describe. Still....everyone drank it seemed. Fast forward 15 years later, the "normal ones' have kids and careers and their lives did not revolve around bars, partying, being irresponsible while mine still did in my mid 30s.
In essense, my drinking caused me to totally miss out on the growing up I needed to do from age 21 to 36 and I have had to play catch up over the last 3 years. It's been really hard and if you can just stop drinking now (even if it does mean immersing yourself in AA) to avoid this super painful growth process you would be in for trying to get sober later...I swear you will be so much better off.
I too felt like i should be drinking and such when I was 23...I didn't realize it was going to lead me to be SOOOOOOO abnormal by my mid 30s. Trust me please, getting sober now will save you from so much pain. Feeling a little different than your friends is NOTHING compared to how different you will feel with full blown alcoholism and way more serious problems due to decades of the disease owning you through the rest of your 20s and into your 30's and 40s.
No "friend" is worth ruining your potential and your future for. You can hang with them at the movies, at restaurants, just avoid drinking situations in the house at parties and at bars. Welcome and keep up with the AA. Find other young sober friends too!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
In essense, my drinking caused me to totally miss out on the growing up I needed to do from age 21 to 36
That describes me to a T, except it was age 18 to 31. What I missed can never be known. I did have a sense in early sobriety that I was getting a second chance to grow up. I've made a little progress since then. How much depends on who you ask... LOL. Don't ask my ex wife.
Hi all. Thanks so much for your kind, thoughtful, encouraging and very helpful words. I have read through all of your replies several times when I have been feeling down and discouraged since my initial post. It really does help just knowing there are others out there who understand and who have survived, and come out so much stronger and happier, by taking this journey. Another (hopefully quick) note. I attended a meeting tonight where after reading the AA thought of the day, the topic was fears we had been relieved of since beginning our new sober lives. I couldn't think of anything. Instead, I kept thinking of all the new fears I had about my new sober life. There goes my thinking again getting me into trouble! However, some events post meeting have shed a little light so that I can at least come up with a few simple fears that have been alleviated. A friend called me for a ride home because she knew I was at home, sober and still wide awake at 2:30 AM. I was eager to do her this favor as she has done for me in the past. She was quite drunk and emotional when I finally found her sitting outside of the bar. I realize I don't have to be afraid of being that drunk & cold girl alone outside of a bar because I couldnt drag myself out before last call, wondering how the hell am I going to get home this time? (Assuming I didn't drive myself - in which case, I'm thankful I no longer have to fear the police lights in my rearview mirror...) Tomorrow morning, I won't have to be afraid of the night before!!! So, this completes day 6 of my sobriety and I just wanted to put something out there since I was unable to in the meeting I attended. Thanks for listening!
You're doing great. Each day down is a day you don't have to do again and it DOES get easier and better. I worried about the same things you did but I gotta tell you that I could use a couple more hours in the day right now. I'm not sure where I ever got the time to drink. Just remember you are sick and you need to get well so convalesce for now and when you start getting better you'll notice that you naturally have more energy and interest in things, then you'll probably find yourself having to prioritise your free time.
Hello JRP, and welcome to the board. I've always thought that binge drinkers have a much more difficult task with step 1 (admitting their powerlessness over alcohol) as it's usually their perception that they can quit anytime, since they don't drink daily. However, binge drinkers, in my opinion, are usually at greater risk when they drink because they tend to be black out drinkers. Once in a blackout your life is not your own and it's mostly luck when we escape death or serious injury to ourselves or others. Being in a blackout is synonymous with powerless. Working the first step Hard, is fundamental to building a strong program of sobriety. We must focus on what happens to us (and others) when we pick up the first drink, so that we can "think it through" when we get the urge to drink. We are impulsive and self destructive, and without much thought of the numerous consequences that we have faced from drinking, we have the impulse to get hammered with the thought that it will be different this time. JRP, you've gotta to really want this. I can say that I knew that I was an alcoholic at age 15, and had serious thoughts of getting sober at 17, 19, 20, 22, 25, 27, and finally got sober at 29. What happened to all of those other windows of opportunity? I had not worked hard enough at admitting my powerlessness of alcohol. I lost a lot and missed out on a lot during those dark years. I'm incredible fortunate, and grateful to have gotten sober, but only after accepting my powerlessness and realizing that all that I had to do was follow in the foot steps of millions of other sober folks here and I'd receive the same gift of sobriety.
JPR - Some days in early sobriety you will be at a loss....on other days the revelations will come so fast that it will feel like your head is about to pop off. You are doing great. Post here. Post often. We have been where you are at. I am moved by your posts because I remember feeling like you describe.
It's a very turbulent time. You are parting from alcohol which has been your best friend and has now turned into your enemy....lot's of ups and downs go along with learning to live sober. Heck learning to be a responsible adult at 23 is hard enough without throwing drinking into the picture.
Anyhow, we are here for you.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Five days is awesome.......yes, I had to give up some of the people and places that were slippery for me. Your real friends will know that you are doing this for YOU. This friend may come around in a while. Maybe, use you as an example for himself. Keep working a program. Keep asking for guidance and do the hard work of sobriety. It does get easier....6 years here....but, it is a daily decision to stop drinking. Your five days is just a valuable and meaningful as a long timers---not that I am that.......but, we all know it's a day by day program!! Keep hanging around the program and miracles will happen.
