Hey everybody. I'm having a bit of an issue practicing the principles at work and at home. I know that my Higher Power delights in giving me opportunities to practice my newfound tools of patience, tolerance, and giving love, but it is so very hard in certain circumstances! I find it easy to be loving, kind, giving, and understanding in the halls of AA, and even among strangers on the street, but WHY is it so tough with family members who know how to push my buttons, my kids who I find myself in frequent power struggles with, and my coworkers, who- how shall I put this nicely- are not operating anywhere near the fourth dimension? I think it is partly because old family and work roles are so well established, and old tapes are constantly playing in my head- informing me how I "usually" behave in X or Y situation, and because let's face it, we don't usually save our best behavior for those we are closest to.
All I can do is pray daily for help and guidance, because I cannot do this alone. I must pray that I may set aside my self will and stop fighting Thy Will. I need help from my HP to NOT react in anger, not build up resentments, own my part, make amends as needed, and accept my humanness. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. These uncomfortable struggles and challenges are here to help me expand, grow, learn, and heal. There IS NO EASIER SOFTER WAY.
That being said, if any of you have found a workable way to "practice these principles in ALL our affairs" please share your insight. I really want to be the best me I can be, the me that God wants me to be. I want to be consistently spiritually fit. I feel so cruddy when I "slip" into acting out in anger, being short tempered or impatient, or curse at sweet little old ladies crossing the street to "move their A$$!" because I am late for work because I chose to engage in an argument with my 8 year old... (yes, it is true, and I'm not proud of it...)
I feel that I am doing the work, I'm working the steps, I have sponsees, I have service positions, I go to lots of meetings, I talk to newcomers, I use the phone, I pray and meditate, but at 16 months I still am such a toddler! I'm overwhelmed by how much I still have to learn. I know I need to trust the process, and accept where I'm at in recovery. What am I missing? Thanks for listening, Heather
Heather, Great share. I can relate. It gets better. Better in TIME. Things I Must Earn. Things I Must Endure. You have the answer, it's in your second paragraph. Also, talking with my Sponsor and others allowed me to share my struggles and when they related, I knew I wasn't unique. Big time relief.
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All I can do is pray daily for help and guidance, because I cannot do this alone. I must pray that I may set aside my self will and stop fighting Thy Will. I need help from my HP to NOT react in anger, not build up resentments, own my part, make amends as needed, and accept my humanness. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. These uncomfortable struggles and challenges are here to help me expand, grow, learn, and heal. There IS NO EASIER SOFTER WAY.
hi Heather, the best thing i found for me is to PAUSE before reacting. and ask myself, "do i want to jump into this, or do i want to let it pass by today?" and save my energy for better things? the mental pause has worked for some of us so we can choose how to react or not react. a soft low voice can diffuse just about any situation, even if it is just "i will get back to you later on that" and with kids, "why don't we have a glass of water (or juice) while i think about that?" just an idea, because Jumping In and messing it up real bad was my way of handling everything. hugs from jj/sheila
I also was going to say that I am trying to learn to "Pause when aggitated". I've gotten into trouble at work. Kind people have pointed out that my directness comes off aggressive when I am stressed. I find I want to whine, "but I AM REALLY Stressed and I have no control over it."
Yet I do have a choice in my reactions. And it goes better for me if I pause before opening my mouth, especially when stressed or resentful. I try to stay away from self-justifying mantras.
If your a reader, I love Dr. Paul O.'s, "You Can't Make Me Angry". This book highlights these issues in a clear way from an alcoholic's point of view.
I'm about 16 months sober myself. So I'm still learning. Been trying to really emphasize " Thy Will, not mine" and "however I may be of use" in my prayers, for help staying on track practicing the principles in all of life.
Heather, I have found that I go through struggles and periods where my emotional sobriety and relationships are much more stable and balanced than other times. I clue in, do some work, and get back on track. I hope that in time I keep more on the straight and narrow. Perhaps other members with more sobriety time will tell us that this is the case. I do think that at 1 to 5 years of sobriety it is a trying time with figuring out how to act, how to be a good person consistently, what makes us tick....etc. This has been a big part of my journey after I stopped being a total newcomer and entered I guess what is the next phase of recovery for us (so I hear).
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi, In a strange wonderful way I have been able to find a "Hidden Treasure" when I as you spoke "slip" from who I would like to be. I make amends. Direct, clear, amends. I am sorry if I hurt you. No long story to defend my innocence, no reason why. The "hidden treasure" is, I heal, I am off my high horse, and the person or persons involved gets to experience that healing power also. Some of my finer relationships started off with my defects out in the open, wounding and hurting others. The amends have often softened everyone involved. In the Blue Book, Bill W. spoke of " being brothers and sisters in our defects, rather than our virtues. " I understand that statement. It helps me to not take myself to seriously and enjoy being just another human being. Thank You for your share, Wayne
Thanks for the topic. I do sympathize with you Heather and for good reason. I, too, have been struck by that same frustrating dilemma as you dear, and have watched people deteriorate emotionally over the dumbest things. I try to become more tolerant myself even in the most dire of circumstances; because tolerance is the only predictable solution in dicey situations.
Emotional sobriety does not evolve overnight either dear, it matures over time. My old behavior patterns are still a dangerous threat to my new way of life, even today. The consequnces of not changing those behavior patterns are more a threat today than ever before. And if I choose to foster those unresolved fears the consequences can trigger my disease once again. So, I'll strive for a more practical solution every day.
If I'm willing to let go of the past and trust my higher power in all things -good, bad, or indifferent, than I can be of greater service to us all, for today. Here's the thing though; it doesn't always work out as it should. When I place my trust in God and him alone those harmful impulses can subside over time. Trust is the key issue in all of this dear, So trust I will...for today.
When we confront the underlying cause behind our motives and snuff out any attempt to get retribution, than we have a greater chance at surviving the storms of life, safe and sober. The question still remains though: how will we ultimately respond?
The difference between "who I was before" and "who I am today"has much to do with my resolve, more than anything else. That...and the relationship I have with my higher power, of course. A higher power whom I call Jesus Christ. The small and sometimes insignificant battles we win every day are, by far, the most challenging part of my new sober life. And has been a difficult pill to swallow at times. It does make for some interesting drama, however, and can become the true testing ground for any recovering alcoholic, guaranteed.
So, I try to change my outlook on life every day and become a more viable advocate for tolerance everywhere. Because when we do...lives will begin to change for the better. That, my friend, is progress...for sure. All we can do for now heather is to strive for a better result next time, and then wait for the miracle to happen. Believe me, it will...over time. So wait dear, and do your part...for today.
~God bless
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 5th of November 2011 01:37:08 AM
Hi, In a strange wonderful way I have been able to find a "Hidden Treasure" when I as you spoke "slip" from who I would like to be. I make amends. Direct, clear, amends. I am sorry if I hurt you. No long story to defend my innocence, no reason why. The "hidden treasure" is, I heal, I am off my high horse, and the person or persons involved gets to experience that healing power also. Some of my finer relationships started off with my defects out in the open, wounding and hurting others. The amends have often softened everyone involved. In the Blue Book, Bill W. spoke of " being brothers and sisters in our defects, rather than our virtues. " I understand that statement. It helps me to not take myself to seriously and enjoy being just another human being. Thank You for your share, Wayne
I couldn't put it any better than Toad. Step 10, Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promtly admitted it.
P84 "This thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone."
The word practice means a lot. I practiced and practiced and over time I got better, to the point where the principles are almost second nature, almost automatic. It is true there is great healing through amends.
